Published February 7, 2009
This poem has been taken down as a new version now appears in yours truly's anthology, "Public Spaces, Private Reflections." If you would like a copy, please contact me!
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
;C I'm here, as I promised you, even though I should be doing my homework and sleeping! xD
I liked this poem a lot, but one thing that sticks out after reading it is the common-ness of the word 'animal'. The poem is so brilliantly constructed and the message is powerful, but 'animal' kind of lowers the tone, as we can associate that with a kitten or a cow or an ostrich, and not necessarily something /lowly/. Words like beast / worm / creature, something like that /might/ be more effective, though I'm not sure. It's really only my opinion. xD
Hmm, this is the first place that really tripped me up. Because you used a colon, it makes it seem like we're hearing the gods' screams. Was that intentional? It's interesting, now that I think about it, because it brings the poem to a completely different level -- even the gods are screaming at the bullets and the dirt.
I also don't really like the quotation marks here, just because of the impression they give me. I mean, the phrase would be obviously ironic without them and I don't think you need them -- it kind of drives the point too hard and underestimates the reader's intelligence a bit, maybe? ^_^ I like the message here though. xD
This is a pretty good ending for the poem -- it brings the meaning out clearly. I don't know, however, that such a clear and obvious ending is what this beautiful poem deserves. Or maybe it's just the word 'animal' that is making me feel like the ending is simple. ;C I don't really know.
I have to say that this is by far my favorite stanza, mostly because of that first line. Fantastic, Gahks, really fantastic! ^_^ I think you might expand on the color though -- red animal, maybe? Just another color to pair with the 'blue', contrast or otherwise. xD
Again, amazing work! <3
-Hannah-
Gahks
hey!
Snoink
hola!
Gahks
alright?
Snoink
all right what?
Gahks
are you alright? lol
Snoink
haha, yes, I am all right!
Gahks
say, could you do me a favour?
please?
Snoink
what is that?
Gahks
topic43346.html
it's my latest poem.
review please?
Snoink
...this is going to be pornographic, isn't it?
XD
I've... read this before?
Gahks
No!
Have you?
Snoink
have you posted something like this before?
Gahks
Snoink
You should have seen him, the poor bitch,
the contrast with "bitch" and "him" sounds weird
eyes yelping in agony,
this sounds funny and I don't quite like its position here
the paw imagery seems stronger
Gahks
resend...
um... bitch = female dog?
Snoink
yes
that's why the he doesn't really jibe for me
Gahks
he's comparing the victim to a dog.
an animal.
the speaker, I mean,
Snoink
I know
I am a somewhat smart reader, lol
my point is that the genders aren't lining up and it's annoying me
Gahks
lol
it's deliberate.
Snoink
I know
but the second time seems awkward
Gahks
when?
Snoink
His tears mixed with sweat mixed with blood.
just cut out "his" and it'll be fine
Gahks
oh k kl
yes, that's more effective.
asyndeton!
Snoink
hm?
this makes no sense:
In the walls shot through with shell holes;
Gahks
asyndeton is the lack of articles for effect.
opposite of polysyndeton.
Snoink
haha, okay
Gahks
"shot through with shell holes" refers to "The Charge of the Light Brigade"
"stormed at with shot and shell"
Snoink
except that make sense
Gahks
but it sounds nice, alliteration etc.
Snoink
when I can put a shell hole in my rife and shoot it, then it makes sense
Gahks
shells can mean bullets.
Snoink
But you don't shoot with shell holes
...have you ever shot before?
Gahks
shot *through* with shell holes
Snoink
no, that doesn't make sense
I shot through a wall with bullets.
Gahks
okay...
*shot through with shells* ?
but then line is too short.
Snoink
Yes, it is
again, have you ever shot?
Gahks
Shot what?
Bullets, no? Other unmentionables, yes/
Snoink
have you ever shot a gun?
Gahks
no! I'm bloody underage!
Snoink
Okay
shells are the stuff that remains after the bullet is shot
it is not actually the bullet
so that's another reason why it doesn't make sense
Gahks
hence *shell casings* on CSI
Snoink
exactly
Gahks
shot through with shell fire?
ah, ye gads. accuracy is not as important as poetic meaning, surely.
Snoink
um... yes, it is
Gahks
LOL
Snoink
when people analyze your poem in fifty years, what will the say then?
Gahks
That is, assuming they do analyse it in 50 years.
Snoink
isn't that the point?
Snoink
alternative words for bullets are "slugs," "ammunition," and "lead."
ammunition is lame
Gahks
yes.
too long.
wordy.
"shot through with slug holes"
sibiliance would work if we changed "shot"
Snoink
NO MORE HOLES
Gahks
LOL
Snoink
That doesn't make sense
Gahks
why not leave it and find some other bone of contention?
come back to it later?
Snoink
If you make it slugs, you can do a reference both to force (a unit of force is "slugs" in physics) and nature (the common garden slug).
Gahks
okay... but I don't see how I can continue the image patterns later.
Snoink
If you refer to lead, you can probably make it refer to poison and possibly bad leadership
Gahks
yay! we hate dictators.
Snoink
so you might want to make it lead
So!
Instead of: In the walls shot through with shell holes;
Maybe: In the walls shot with led;
er
in the walls shot full with lead
(just so it sounds prettier)
and seriously, you should be thinking about poetry this way, not trying to find easy ways out in the name of poetic license. XD
Gahks
XD okay, point taken.
Snoink
why do you have this stanza?
Today the tap in the upstairs toilet...
Gahks
it's a volta.
the shift in the narrative.
Snoink
but why, specifically
Gahks
the speaker turns from the events of "last night" to "Today."
the effect of last night's events on today is implied.
Snoink
why is he in a bathroom though?
that seems to be a nicety and it's very random for him to be in the battle and then in a bathroom
Gahks
rinsing his head under the tap
"trying to shut out / The animal in me over and over."
Snoink
I can see that, but I want to know why you have that setting
you have a battlefield and then a bathroom
it doesn't quite make sense
Gahks
no, the idea is:
the speaker is part of a battalion that discovered, last night, a known war criminal.
hiding in a house.
today, they're hiding in that same house.
Snoink
XD
let me be more specific:
In crackling blue flashes of coolness,
why blue? why is it crackling, and why is it cool?
Gahks
the water coming in "flashes", i.e. trickles.
the plumbing ain't working.
coolness is obv water.
Snoink
blue?
Gahks
water is blue?
the blue of sadness possibly?
Snoink
XD
blue flashes sounds like Harry Potter has stormed in and is doing magic spells
Gahks
LOL
Snoink
ESPECIALLY since the word "crackling" s attached to it
Gahks
MASS LOL
I can't believe we're treating such a dark poem so terribly humorously.
Snoink
XD
your word choice allows for it!
Gahks
*buries head in hands*
you'd never get away with that in a Literature exam.
Snoink
I can see why you would want this stanza, but that line just totally blows it
haha, yes, but you're asking for a critique
Gahks
are there any other Harry Potter faux-allusions here? lol
Snoink
Why "but"?
But each sickening bullet-bite,
And then you left.
The showdown will continue, I am sure.
I'm a fan, as usual.
These first lines don't pull me in the way first lines should. As a reader I need something straightforward and interesting to pull me in. This opening sentence is too long and it's already incorporating figurative language. It's too much and it's too heavy ("callousness/Of my human soul" is just way too much) for the beginning of the poem.
This, however, strikes me as a fantastic opening line, if you were so inclined to use it in that fashion.
I was under the impression that "bitch" applied only to females, and so "him" doesn't exactly agree? I'm also not big on "lying with broken paws, eyes yelping in agony" because it seems like it's only there because you felt like you needed a description. This is not a particularly interesting description to me. I think there are better ways to describe despair and pain.
This line is the second time you've ended a stanza with a colon. Is this intentional? I'm not sure I like it. I'm also not sure how it connects to the lines below it.
Not your strongest stanza, but it serves its purpose.
I love this because it's a great shift not only in setting but in tone...I get a completely different feeling reading it, and it makes me uncomfortable but relieved at the same time. Very good. I wonder why the speaker loses his head "in...flashes of coolness." Normally when one loses one's head it would be described as "hot" as the "sigh" is in the following line. Is the contrast intended? I also like the way "I can still hear" is cut off by the stanza break--really good use of breaks there.
Is the speaker really hearing the lips cry, or is it the lieutenant crying? I get what you mean, and I know it's a figure of speech, but it threw me off.
I like "bullet-bite" and "hollow howl."
I don't like that "humanitarian" is in quotes. I think it makes the whole social-comment too obvious, and I think it could be much more subtle if the word were not in quotes.
Why are "Creed" and "Soldier" capitalized? It makes it sound like a science-fiction novel, which may be entirely intended...I mean, a lot of sci-fi social-comment writers make use of the emphasis on ideals in their novels about futuristic societies, blah blah blah. However. I think they should be un-capped...again with the subtlety.
I like that the last stanza is simple, the way it returns to the beginning. Powerful but plain. Goody.
-Colleen
Gahks, I can truly say that I love your poetry now. Your opening line was a hook that reeled me in. I was captivated by every word, each line flowed smoothly into the next. Reading this got me into a kind of daze, playing the events in my mind. Simply, and grotesquely, marvelous. Just one tiny thing about this:
I'm not sure I like the yelping eyes. It doesn't seem right to me. Maybe you should change the verb to something more related to sight and vision? Of course, this is only my opinion.
That's all I could spot. I admit that I cheated a bit and my eyes flicked down to the ending (it was an accident! I swear it was!), but I wanted to know what happened in the middle. I love the imagery, and the message this conveys. It makes me remember the story about the group of kids roasting two puppies alive.
My favorite part definitely had to be this:
This is just so deep. A gold star for you.