Urine

by Gabe.L
  • June 1, 2009
  • Short Story

Gabe

Urine

I had just unzipped my fly as the door swung open; out of the corner of my eye I could see the child run in, he was black, maybe five feet tall. My urination was interrupted as the child, panting wildly, took his place in the urinal next to me. This was bothersome to me partially because I felt uncomfortable exposing myself at the approximate eye line of a child, and partially because it broke the unspoken law of urinal use; when a urinal is in use, one should try to urinate as far away from that urinal as possible. Maybe he was just disregarding the rule, maybe it was just foolish youth, but here the child stood, bumping elbows with me as we urinated in what could only be called synchrony. As I stood there looking down at my feet, I couldn't help glance up slightly at the bright yellow urine that splashed into the neighboring toilet bowl. It would not be considered paranoid to worry about the child, who seemed to be dancing up and down, losing control, possibly, worst-case scenario, spraying my foot with his clearly dehydrated urine. Still looking down at my right foot, I awkwardly scooted it closer to my urinal, out of range of his urine. He was wrapping up now, I knew this not because I was looking at him, but because he, after zipping up his cargo pants, took a step back and turned to look at me. For what seemed like an eternity I stood there peeing, while the boy, visible out of the corner of my eye, stood there watching me, hands in pockets. What was he doing? I thought to myself, why is he just standing there? Now finished urinating, I turned away from the boy and zipped up my fly. We washed our hands in silence and went our separate ways.

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User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Mon Dec 05, 2022 7:05 am

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I had just unzipped my fly as the door swung open; out of the corner of my eye I could see the child run in, he was black, maybe five feet tall. My urination was interrupted as the child, panting wildly, took his place in the urinal next to me. This was bothersome to me partially because I felt uncomfortable exposing myself at the approximate eye line of a child, and partially because it broke the unspoken law of urinal use; when a urinal is in use, one should try to urinate as far away from that urinal as possible. Maybe he was just disregarding the rule, maybe it was just foolish youth, but here the child stood, bumping elbows with me as we urinated in what could only be called synchrony. As I stood there looking down at my feet, I couldn't help glance up slightly at the bright yellow urine that splashed into the neighboring toilet bowl. It would not be considered paranoid to worry about the child, who seemed to be dancing up and down, losing control, possibly, worst-case scenario, spraying my foot with his clearly dehydrated urine. Still looking down at my right foot, I awkwardly scooted it closer to my urinal, out of range of his urine. He was wrapping up now, I knew this not because I was looking at him, but because he, after zipping up his cargo pants, took a step back and turned to look at me. For what seemed like an eternity I stood there peeing, while the boy, visible out of the corner of my eye, stood there watching me, hands in pockets. What was he doing? I thought to myself, why is he just standing there? Now finished urinating, I turned away from the boy and zipped up my fly. We washed our hands in silence and went our separate ways.


Well this was quite the piece. Before I go on about that though, I have to stary by saying this one is in need a couple of paragraphs here. It flows okay as it stands but its still just a little bit too long here to exist as just the one big paragraph. This one could do with at the very least being split into two parts here just to make it easier to read.

Moving onto the story, its an interesting idea here. I don't believe I have ever seen anyone write this particular topic before. Its certainly very clear from the vibe of the story why, because it is a rather uncomfortable situation to be describing here. And to that end, this one manages to somehow just make it even more uncomfortable than normal.

I'm not entirely sure what its even trying to do here though. It seems to just be an uncomfortable scene very randomly and it doesn't seem to be doing much beyond that plotwise. So on its own, its at best an surprisingly strong look at a mildly horrifying scene but there's not much beyond that.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
Snoink
Review
Snoink wrote a review · Mon Jun 01, 2009 6:01 am

Hmmm... there seem to be a couple of inconsistencies here. Unless this guy is eight or ten feet tall, it's very unlikely that the child is eye line with the guy's penis, especially since the guy is only five feet tall. Also, five feet tall? Not quite a child... we call them adolescents. Anyway, I'm wondering why this person didn't say, "Hey, what are you looking at?" or whatever to the kid when he was just watching him. Creepy much??

And the ending really didn't do anything. They went their separate ways. Okay. But they always were separated, in a way. They were never together, certainly. So really, what is the point of this story? I don't know. It looked like a story that was set in the bathroom just to be set in the bathroom... there seemed to be no point to it. Add some conflict or something more conclusive and it might be better. Right now, it's just a scene, not a story.



The opposite of belonging is fitting in.
— Dr. Brené Brown