Father’s Voice
A voice that I once only thought mattered, a voice that was only filled with hatred. When I was a little boy, my childhood was filled with many great memories of my father. Telling me that I’m doing great in this sport and even better in the next, but he always ended his sentences with “you can do this better next time or try harder.” As a little boy I did as my father said, I wouldn’t ever want to do something wrong in the eyes of my father.
Fear, in my eyes... that’s what grew my father and I apart. Fear that if I can’t do something the way he thinks it should be done, then will he even love me? I can remember it like it was yesterday, in second grade when my grades were not near satisfactory and I knew the wrath of my father awaited me when he saw my report card. From that very moment when a single tear cascaded down from the very eyes in which I would never see my father the same again. Shouts after shouts came out of his livid mouth, the words he said to me I don’t recall and I don’t view as important, but I know I was left with fear. From then on I became distant from my father, I still wanted to do everything right because I couldn’t imagine listening to the wounding words come out of his mouth leaving nothing but terrible thoughts in my young head. I still believed in my father’s voice.
I grew up; I got to view my father in a whole new way. Not from him yelling at me but the way that he treats others. The way his attitude changed towards me to my sister. The loved child, the one that every parent wants and hopes their child grows up to be. In my eyes because I am not the good child, I have the skin of a failure that has spent its life never achieving greatness, inside the greatness I am the perfect child I cannot tell when a temper reaches in and pulls the atoms of the weak, me being the weak. I can’t bear hear the door close to my house awaiting the screams that will be shot at me and having my mother sit their too afraid to speak not wanting the screams to be directed in her way. In one moment my father's voice had no effect on me, I didn’t feel the pain anymore, I didn’t cry anymore. I simply listened to what he was trying to tell me the words didn’t sound familiar because the echo of his yelling filled the room. “ I want the best for you.” These words from my father will forever be my favorite.
Hearing my father after a game having him talk to me not ending the sentence on how to do something better brings a smile to my face and more importantly his face. I don’t see it as him giving up on me not thinking I can't overcome a challenge but just showing me love. I believe in my father’s voice. His voice has stuck with me the most and has taught me to be a strong independent man that can take great moments and make them into the unforgettable moments, because after all the yelling pays off and becomes something great, it became who I am today. I got what I wanted and that was to hear my dad's voice say he is proud of me. I believe in my father's voice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Sooo...this was a really interesting little story to get into. I really did love the way that this was done. The ending was a twist I wasn't expecting, but its a message that I really liked. I feel like a couple of things have to be adjusted however, if you want that ending to really make sense. More details below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well this is certainly a very interesting little start that you've got here...well that first line certainly is quite an ominous cloud there hanging over this entire piece...and the way it looks like this father subtly made this boy feel like he was never doing anything good enough certainly sounds like something that could end up being toxic if exposed to a lot of that at a young age.
Well, that definitely sounds like somewhat of a really traumatic experience there, on one hand, there is there fear of disappointing his father in the first place because of the comments that you mentioned there in the first paragraph and well all of that anticipation ends up being properly justified with a report card gone a bit wrong and then everything seems to take a terrible turn from there onwards. Its definitely very easy to try and imagine the situation that's taking place here in the mind of this young boy whose being yelled at harshly enough for him to become distant from his father. Well, you're certainly painting quite the picture here.
Hmm, well that looks like quite a tough parent there, oh dear and I suppose when you have a sibling like that and parents inevitably end up doing some comparisons it never does end too well for the one that falls short. This is certainly a little bit of a contrasting paragraph however. On one hand it looks like a picture is being painted of a bit of a tyrant like father that is having even the mother too afraid to speak and is just always yelling but then that line at the end sounds almost like a sweet thing to say. Perhaps its a memory from a time long past that this person here treasures so that he can remember his father as a good person? At any rate, its a tiny bit suspicious here.
Hmm, okay...so that is a direction I wasn't expecting it to take. I almost feel like if you want to have an ending like this you need to tone down a little more on the father's yelling earlier cause the way you building it up, you were really casting the father as the villain, whereas this seems to have ended in a way where we get to realize that all that yelling was for a good reason after all. And all of it shaped this young boy into a strong man. Soo...yeah...lovely ending, sends a great message, but you might want to work on making that beginning a little bit less intensive then.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this seems like a wonderful little story here. It requires a few adjustments here and there before it can reach its full potential but I certainly did like this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! ^^ I hope you're enjoying yourself around here and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask ~
To the review!
First off, there are a lot of things that are structurally wrong with this such as fragmented sentences, run-on sentences and just a rather jerky flow, meaning it doesn't read smoothly. Here's what I mean with some examples:
This is your very first sentence, and it should be 'pack a punch', so to speak, and strike us with a reason to read on. Since this sentence is only a fragment, with nothing else before us to lead us into it, it's very jarring and loses that impact. It doesn't give me a reason to move on because I'm trying to figure out with just happened. Other sentences throughout this, I noted, were similar because of the randomness of the fragment. I can understand the stylistic choice to use fragments to develop voice or emphasize something, but this doesn't work.
Regarding the very next sentence, that's where the jerky flow appears. The sentences just didn't connect. One is talking about a voice full of hatred, and the next starts with "When I was a little boy...". Sure we have the title, but I frankly didn't notice the voice was referring to his father's and so I was extremely confused about the jump. As this example shows, a lot of sentences within paragraphs just don't flow very well, which makes it very hard to read through without back tracking and eventually losing interest.
This is one more example of a fragment that just doesn't work. I would suggest only using fragments when they're short and to the point, which gives them an extra ~*oomph*~. In this instance, I couldn't really find a better way, but remember that! The less wordy the better -- I'll touch on that in just a moment!
I'm not sure if grammatically this is a run-on sentence, but it's super wordy and confusing. It's also fragmented in a sense, but over all there are way too many words. It's hard to read and it's easy to just get lost in what's happening. It just doesn't make a lot of sense, and a lot of sentences within this are similar.
Something to fix this is to be a lot more to the point. Use a variety of short, blunt sentences mixed with more "train-of-thought" sentences just to great some change and variety, but more importantly, be precise. Don't use more words than you have to use. For instance, in the place where I said I would come back to wordiness, the quote from the father is too wordy. It would be much more impactful if it was just "You could do better." rather than "You could probably do this better next time."
Honestly, I didn't get a lot from this piece. Reading it was rather difficult and I didn't feel any emotion. It felt to fast, too generalize, and I was too busy trying to figure out what sentences meant and what was going on to really gain anything from it. I recommend working more on style before trying to refine down and bring out the emotion in the work.
If you have any questions or would like clarification, don't be afraid to ask!
Happy writing,
~ Wolfe
I firstly want to thank you for writing this piece.I was in the same position as you were but I've eventually realized that your father is your father and will always be your father. This essay has really helped me and I believe that it's going to help a lot of youngsters in their relationship with their fathers. Please keep on writing more as you can be an inspiration for so many lives. Thank you once again and may the Almighty God shower His blessings upon you!!
bloody...