I'm drowning in the sorrow that I've brought on myself.
I need your help to pull me back up.
I'm lost without you.
Anything anyone does can't compare to what you've done.
No matter what happens.
I'll love you forever.
I don't want you hating me.
I'm scared that you do.
Love's a strong feeling that you have for someone.
I'll always be there for you.
I didn't see what you've done for me.
I didn't respect you.
I'm taking back everything I've done.
Only in my head.
Although in yours,
a life time.
I just want one more perfect day with you,
No getting upset about thinking about what you could do.
You can do better than me.
You deserve better.
There's nothing I can do for you to take me back and it hurts.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there.
Nitpicks:
- I think there should be a comma after 'Anything'.
- It should be a comma after 'happens'.
- This line seemed to come out of nowhere. o.o
- The 'in yours' seems wrong. I suggest you change it to 'for you'.
- I don't understand this line.
I think this poem is good. I like how honest and direct-to-the-point the persona is.
Never stop writing!
Aww... a sad poem about unrequited love!
One thing that I noticed about this poem is that there are a lot of I's in it. I mean, there are thirteen I's in it, several me's, and such. So, it seems less about the actual relationship breaking up than a girl's reaction to this break up. So, yeah. Not quite sure about this. I guess it depends on the purpose of this poem! If this poem was written to try to get back together with that special someone, I would probably focus more on "you" and less than "I" or, if the "I" is there, then it should be a more apologetic "I." So, no talking about what "I" want and more talking about what "you" want. That sort of thing. Then, that will help even out the playing field!
If this was written to get out the sting of a painful break up... well, it definitely feels like it's been written in that way! So, it's very emotional, and that makes it good for that sort of thing. I do agree with Riley... I think that the periods help stop the poem when you may want to continue the thought longer. Still, not bad. Very emotional!
I had such a hard time trying to review this poem, only because I had such a difficult time reading it. Let me explain, I don't mean that it's awful, I mean that there is one small detail that almost completely destroys the flow of the poem and makes it very hard to read. There is a period after every line for the majority of the poem. this makes what the narrator is saying seem very choppy and just unusual, in the sense that no one really thinks like that. There are times for choppy thoughts, but this just didn't seem like one of them. Besides that, the poem actaully has a nice sound and a true, believable personality behind it. I think that if you can fix how broken the punctuation makes it read, it will be a very nice poem. Hope that helps!