PROLOGUE
16 YEARS AGO
The stars in the night sky gleamed ahead as the Light family ran for their lives. As the head royal family of vampires, it was crucial for them to outrun the dreaded Mori chasing them. They ran at an abnormal speed across a meadow and into a forest.
“Faster!” yelled Mark Light, who was carrying his baby girl Faith in his arms and leading the group. His two brothers and their wives trailed behind him with their children. James was ushering Beth, who was clinging to their son, Michael. David, the youngest of the three brothers, was running alongside his wife Lily. He was carrying their twins, with Jack in his arms and Mitchell on his back.
Suddenly there was a grunt, then a scream coming from the back of the group.
“James!” Beth cried, and then let out another gut-wrenching scream.
Everyone stopped running and turned around to help James fight the Mori that had caught up to them. Mark reached around Lily to pluck Michael from Beth’s hands before she dragged him into the fray. He shoved Faith and Michael into David’s arms.
“Get the kids to safety and I’ll protect Lily. You’re too young and not strong enough to fight the Mori,” Mark said, before he rushed away again.
David hurried back into the forest as fast as he could while trying to hold onto the four children. He found a tree whose trunk was split in two, and put Michael and Jack down inside while Mitchell slid off of his back. He handed Faith to Jack, and before he rushed away he said to Jack “You look after your cousins and brother. Daddy will be right back.” Jack nodded with sincerity too old for his meek six years.
When David reached the meadow again, it was too late. He felt his stomach clench as he gazed upon the carnage before him. Blood soaked the grass and pieces of flesh lay strewn everywhere. Over a dozen Mori bodies were on the ground in various stages of decomposition. When a vampire fed from someone with HIV, they contracted the disease which turned them into blood-thirsty creatures with rotting flesh. Among the Mori corpses, David saw the bodies of his family. James lay sprawled on his back with his throat torn out next to Beth, who had died the same way. Mark was a few metres away next to Lily. David staggered to his dead wife and let his tears run down his face.
“David.”
David turned sharply at the sound of his name, and saw that Mark was still alive. He hastily rushed to his dying brother’s side.
“Keep. Faith. Safe,” Mark choked out, and then he died.
David’s anguished cry echoed through the night. After one last glance back at his dead family, he left the meadow for the last time and went back to the children.
When he arrived back at the tree, it was to find Mitchell and Jack sobbing quietly.
He hurried over to them and cradled them under his arms. “Shh. It’s going to be okay,” he whispered.
“No, it’s not,” Jack cried. “They took Faith.”
David turned sharply to face his son. “What?”
Mitchell looked up with tears in his eyes. “Faith’s gone.”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...this is quite the start here. I think you manage to start off on a pretty good note here with this prologue. Its got just about all that you could expect from one of these and it does make you want to read on and find out more.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well this is a fairly intense start here. I do like the sound of things upto this point. We get a good sense of some general panic going around here and we get the sense that this family is trying desperately to run away from some sort of dangerous attack. Its a pretty good choice of start I think because it does immediately pull you in as a reader.
Oh this is already off to a terrible start I see. It appears that considering this is a prologue after all, the majority of these folks are not going to make it and considering this appears to be a pack of some sort of deadly creature that's probably the more realistic option too. We're not too invested in this family to the point these deaths will mean all that much, but its a good start that does have you empathizing a bit and getting a glimpse at how this world works.
Oh gosh, well I mean, these aren't necessarily that powerful emotionally and I feel like maybe you don't quite spend enough time developing David's emotions to really give us a chance to feel those same feelings, but the powerful descriptions there and the depiction of these creatures do manage to still leave a fairly lasting effect on a reader and you certainly find yourself a bit invested in these characters.
Well...now that's also a proper little cliffhanger for this prologue here. I think that does capt this opening scene off really well I think. You manage to pull off a pretty decent situation with that one. Overall, I think you've managed to do fairly well with this opening barring a few places where I felt the emotional part of things was a teensy bit rushed.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this is a pretty solid start right here. You've managed to build a nice little and a very exciting situation. The only thing that could perhaps do with some improving is the emotion on the part of the characters. Its certainly there but its not as powerful as it could be.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
mate,mate,mate. hold on for the rest of the chapters! ive already written 10 and it tells about her kidnapping as it goes along. plus, its not a crime story!
hold on, i need more points and i will post the rest of the chapters on there. You'll be surprise of what the genre of the story actually is
FutureFamousWriter
I like the idea, but I'm a bit surprised you have dived in already. I think prologues should serve as an introduction, like introducing the current state of time. Already you have this guy called Mark, looking for a kidnapped girl, and I think you should be a bit ambiguous in your prologue. Let us ask questions. Because at the moment, we know this girl called Faith has been kidnapped. How about in the first few chapters we witness the kidnapping, and then we learn more as the story goes on both why she was kidnapped, and who did it. Just a suggestion really. It's just that at the moment, it seems a little rushed. Save all the exciting/suspense stuff until later on. Also, kidnapping is a very common theme in crime writing so it is easy to get all cliched and make twists that we see coming, so just remember that. Try and swerve the reader by all means- but don't make it a policeman, or a "good" guy. Try and make it unpredictable. And then you've got a great novel.