Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
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140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hey Artie, here we go again.
This poem is visceral, and I really appreciate the raw emotion that you've put into it. I love that though this poem is filled with destructive imagery, that it ends in a rebirth (even if it is spiders, ewwwwwww).
This really has a spoken word vibe. I can feel you screaming from the rooftops.
That being said, there are a few things that can be changed to make it even better.
This is the part where I shake my fist at you for putting this in an image so I can't lazily copy and paste.
This section is wordy. It's not the only section, but let's focus on this one right now. The first line reminds me of those memes that are like,
"Nobody:
Not a single soul:
Me: I <3 pizza"
So my advice is to cut out the nothing.
"profusely" is an adverb, and you only need adverbs if you have a weak verb, which you don't.
"too-white sheets" I'm not getting a great image here. I'm not sure how sheets can be too white. It tripped me up, and you have a lot of other adjectives going on later in the stanza anyway, so the "too" is unneeded.
If you follow all of that advice, we get:
It's direct and brief!
I am not really a fan of how the second stanza slows things down. I understand that the idea is necessary there, but try condensing it like I did with the stanza above. See if it works in a way that you like.
In the third stanza, there's a shift from the narrator talking to "you" and turns to "they." Since you use "you" in the rest of the poem, I suggest changing all the "theys" to "yous."
This line is a doozy. Let's cut it down a little. You've got "never-ending," and "cycle." Cycles are never-ending, so let's take that out. Constant is a little redundant as well.
is much shorter, but it's a lot less long-winded.
I think the main thing I'm trying to convey is that there are a lot of unneeded words that slow down the feeling of the otherwise intense poem. Go through and take out as many words as you can while still keeping the intensity of the feeling. Let me know if you want to work it out in the wfp sometime. Hope this is helpful! Happy poeting!
Hey LordStar!
Elinor here to give you a quick review. I don't think I've looked at any of your poetry yet, but I always enjoy reading your work. I think the strongest thing about this piece is the emotion that it conveys.
The imagery is raw and real and I definitely feel like this poem makes me feel everything you did when you were writing it. However, I will echo Pan's comments and say that I tend to get a little bit lost in the imagery, and as a result lose sight of the emotion. Poetry, by nature, is more visceral than prose. In my opinion the main purpose of it should be to evoke a feeling.
The feeling I got from your work is that there is more to you than most people will see. That's a pretty universal feeling that I think a lot of people will connect with, and as such I'd try to frame your revisions with that in mind.
Best of luck, and keep writing! Feel free to let me know if you have any questions.
Elinor
Hiya, LordStar. Poetry isn't my usual haunt, but I thought I'd drop in for a quick critique even so.
The best thing about this poem is the imagery. There are some startling, haunting moments in this piece, but the overall meaning remains clear too. Every poem needs a fine balance between mystery and clarity - I always think that the meaning should be visible as if through frosted glass - and for the most part you capture the balance fairly well. There are some areas where you get a little lost in the imagery, though, such as here:
For one, it's using more words than it needs to - it's not necessary to say 'lacking complication' when you've already said 'neat and simple', right? Make sure every word contributes something new to the image rather than just reinforcing in. Secondly, I just found it a little...cumbersome and hard to interpret. Is the 'you' wanting to know the one thing that made the narrator as they are, despite the fact that it's actually a tangle of complicated reasons? If so, I had to squint hard to wring the sense from that, and I think it could come through more strongly.
Thematically, I think the last three stanzas of the poem are better than the first. At that point, you seem to actually start focusing in on what the poem is saying - that the destruction is only of a version of the self, and that it's necessary in order for the narrator to re-emerge as something new. I don't feel like the first three stanzas contribute nearly as much to that theme, even if they have some striking isolated images. In my opinion, I'd like them to be more strongly geared towards the idea of self-destruction and taking oneself apart, rather than being a sort of...miscellaneous discussion of who you are and how you came to be like this. Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but if I'm able to reading it wrong, that's probably a sign that the meaning isn't coming across as well as it could.
So I'd like the poem to be a little more coherent in its theme - the first and second half don't feel quite like they match. I'd also take a look at that second stanza to ensure that it's clear without losing impact. Make sure you're writing economically, as well, because you sometimes include superfluous adjectives.
But an interesting piece! Raw and passionate and fierce. I enjoyed reading it.
Keep writing!
~Pan
I like this poem because I can feel the emotions and the choice of words helps that, I like the morbidity of some descriptions. This work is really intriguing to me and really fascinating to read. Great poem