Setting: in a badminton field
Bumdar
Uncle! You are taller than me. You should take that cock down. How can I do that? You were the one to hit it so high.(cries)
Fued
Jump jump! Jump like a kangaroo... You can do it. Hold one hand in the air and the other in the tree.
Bumdar
Uncle!! You have become mad! Now, what will I do? You are comparing me to a kangaroo! And hand in the air?!
Xorna
He is ought to intitiate in kindergarten.Bumdar, go and study. (puts back her had into a huge book)
Bumdar
Uncle, see, what Aunt is telling! I don't want to study!!
Fued
Wait(throws the bat in direction of Xorna and it rebounces due to that huge book)
Bumder
Uncle!! Look behind! The dog is barking at you! I am sure it will bite you!
Fued
Dog! Get out! It's not your place! Wasn't dogs disallowed here(looks around and finds no other dog) Yes. I am right. Can't dogs see that they aren't allowed here? These shameless creatures!(starts running as the dog was chasing him)
Bumder
Uncle! Stop it! Dogs can't read! Aunty, please save uncle from that dog. Please aunty.
Xorna
I can't save any sinner. He should not have called that dog a shameless creature! Aren't they living beings? Don't they have feelings?
Bumder
It's not the time for blaming him. Save him first, then you will give your lectures. Uncle, run fast and enter some nearby house and close the door! Fast uncle fast!
Fued
Tell your aunt that she doesn't care for human beings also! Shameful! Dog, you the shameless creature! I will make you a cat! Then you will see.(runs towards a house)
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138,419 Literary Works • 672,118 Reviews
Hello ForeverYoung!
You requested a review from me about a month ago, and I'm really sorry for taking so long to get to it! Now that I'm finished with school, I intend to me much more prompt with reviews and requests :) So let's get into it!
So first of all, I was a little bit confused about the purpose of this script. While I understand it was meant to be a humorous event, it didn't feel very purposeful in the way the elements of the story were set up Now, writing humor is really hard, and it's not always easy to do, but there needs to be some kind of focus. In the span of a couple of lines, we go from talking about getting a lost shuttlecock, to needing to study, to a dog chasing the uncle. There's not logical flow between each of the ideas, and it feels like the humor in this was supposed to be on the randomness of the events, which was lost on me. I didn't find it very humorous.
Something that I suggest would be to set the scene a little bit more. It's not uncommon in scripts to have a short paragraph in the beginning to set up where the events are happening. In this case, you mention that they're in a badminton field, but we don't know anything about who's there, what they're doing, etc. It might help to show an action of say the uncle hitting the shuttlecock into the tree, or mention their aunt is watching them on the side. This helps prime the reader for what's about to happen.
The last thing I want to suggest is to scatter some hints throughout. For instance, if you want the main purpose of the story to be about the dog chasing the uncle around, then it might be helpful to drop hints of it sooner. Maybe from the start of the play, mention there is a dog hanging around. Or while they are discussing the shuttlecock, mention that the uncle doesn't want to go to the tree because he's scared of animals or something. But having that connecting thread throughout would really make this piece stronger.
I'd also recommend implementing Mailicede's grammar suggestions, and also just reading through this piece outloud to smooth out some of the language would be helpful. There are a few phrases that are a little bit awkward to read, but as a whole it's realistic. I think the main thing to work on is the focus of the piece!
Hope this helped~ Happy writing!
~ Wolfe
Ok right from the first few lines I can tell this is going to be funny, well done on that writing comedy can be hard. (or maybe that's just me)
you did a good job of giving a rough explanation of who we're dealing with, it seems we have an Uncle: Fued, an Auntie who may be a bookworm: Xorna, and their nephew: Bumder, (by the way good names).
there were some grammatical errors but I think @MailicedeNamedy covered them in her review.
So in the first line, we have Bumber saying
Bumdar
Uncle! You are taller than me. You should take that cock down. How can I do that? You were the one to hit it so high. (cries)
Right so at the beginning of the first sentence, he says "How can I do that?" do what? this was never explained and it confused me a bit.
And then his uncle tells him to
"Jump jump! Jump like a kangaroo... You can do it. Hold one hand in the air and the other in the tree.
What tree? I thought they were on a badminton court? I don't want to offend you (maybe this is something to do with badminton) but I found this confusing.
Other than that the overall Act was well done, Funny, and gave the audience a good idea of who and what the characters were like.
Hi ForeverYoung299,
Mailice here with a short review!
I love reading scripts and plays and what caught my eye right away was the structure of putting the names in bold and necessary comments to understand the plot in brackets. This makes it look organised and clear.
As for the story, I found it funny, even if I thought that sometimes the joke seemed a bit too artificial. But for a quick laugh or grin, I thought it was good.
Here I would change two things; first change "cock" to "shuttlecock" and the sentence structure. Because I think you meant to write "You could have taken the shuttlecock down." (That's how I see the sentence in the text.)
I'm also a bit confused about the second half of Bumdar, because I think the last two sentences shouldn't be said by him, or am I misunderstanding something?
It should say "head" instead of "had".
I know what you were going to write here, but I think it should be "Aren't dogs forbidden to enter here?" or something similar.
This is where I got a bit confused as well, as you put in brackets with Fued that there is no other dog to be seen, yet there is one chasing him. Since I first assumed that Bumdar was joking when he said there was a dog, and it doesn't come up again until Fued runs away, you could have briefly added that there really is a dog there.
What I find a pity is how the story ends. Especially there I would have liked you to expand a bit on whether Fued escaped from the dog or came back with a big hole in his trousers.
What I noticed is that Bumdar is spelled as Bumder in the second half and assume this is a typo.
Something else that could be added is where Xorna is now exactly. Since I assume it's a badminton court somewhere in a city centre that's fenced off, she should be sitting somewhere on the side when she reads. Because that's where I assumed they were playing doubles at the beginning.
I think apart from a few small corrections, I wouldn't change much there. Since it's only the first act, I can't give an opinion on how the story works yet, because I don't know how you'll incorporate the humour in the coming acts - does it build on the jokes from act one or are there new ones?
Have fun with the writing!
Mailice.