Published September 7, 2010
My world is falling apart.
And its all because of you.
I don't want to love you,
But I just can't stop.
She knows about us,
And I'm losing her.
And its all because of you
And you're thick poison.
I can't let you go.
My heart beats faster
Whenever I catch a glimpse of you
And tears prick my eyes.
I just can't stop,
Even though I want to.
Its all your fault
That my world is falling apart.
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141,617 Literary Works • 675,172 Reviews
Hello there, Forest!
Here to review. :3
This doesn't interest me that much. Maybe because this sounds cliche' to read and when you talk about world falling apart and love, there should be at least emotions flowing out here. Also, I don't need you need to capitalize eveyr first letter in each line, and it's a bit unnecessary to end a line with a punctuation. For example: "My world if falling apart. And it's all because of you."---> In my opinion, it would be better if you have written it like this: "My world is falling apart and it is all because of you."
The part "And I'm losing her" is quite a confusion. Um, does the narrator say that she's losing her as a best friend? I think you're probably talking about forbidden love, you know. Something like there's this two best friends and one of which falls in love with a boy and the other friend betrays her by dating the boy? I'm not sure really.
This is good, emotions are kept balance. However, the line "my hearts beat faster" is a bit cliche', so you might wan to use some phrases which are quite unique but sweet also.
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All in all, this has potential, Forest. but sometimes my confusion covers my mind to understand the message of the poem very well. So, just connect each character very well, of who's she and he. And add some spices here too, because as far as I can see, this is a bit cliche, in my opinion. Kicking aside those comments, I thank you for the read. Hope I helped and PM me for question.
Hey Forest!
This poem reminded me of someone who is desperately worried about something, but doesn't want to say what it is, explicitly, so she just keeps on saying the same things over again in a frenzy. And that isn't bad! But, I think that sort of worry translates itself to fiction better than poetry. Poetry is really the place where you dump everything that is bad all out in the open where everyone can see, but that's okay because poetry is a mirror so, through your poem, they would see themselves. If this makes sense.
For this, I kept on wondering, how is her world falling apart? What relationship does she have with the other she? What did he do to cause this world to break apart? So you might want to delve into these matters a little more. It might hurt a little, but it'll be a better poem in the end.
Well, I don't know what to say... The poem has a good theme, but you didn't carry it out... and this is were I pick it apart...
This is good...
I don't know who "she" is, add another stanza to expain who she is and why your losing her because of this love that you resent so much...
I like this line...
This line is good to, I love the last to lines, very good ending to this poem...
My main problem is that I don't know why you don't want to love the one you write of anymore, I don't know who the "She" is that you say your losing, I also don't know why your losing her... Tell me this, you have to tell the reader what it is that you are meaning...
I used to, and still do, this sometimes. You write a poem, and because you know what your writing about and you know the situation, you write about it, but leave out parts that you don't tink the poem needs, just because you know what is going on doesnt mean everyone else will...
Hope I helped, PM me if you would like more help...
~Rain~