Meager and eager, the ember vanishes in a flicker they bicker, they clash, day by day it gets quicker the process, oh if only I hadn't been a stickler for questions that drive me insane, interests fickler than my mood, at every moment, my mind's a heckler. Restless, urges clamp down inadvertent, tugging me forward like a leash, yet I am always lagging behind, but a step ahead they always stay, juggling the issues I struggle, to keep up the pace, straggling, I drag my feet through the marshlands, bedraggling. The noises, it keeps ringing like tinnitus, transient it is not, the madness that guides my hand, sentient that we are, it's only natural it seems, to be lenient with these stray thoughts that wander, subservient I am not, to these ideas when alone, I am resilient.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Heya, Flickering. Casanova here for a review.
Okay I usually get off this kick since there are many different styles of poetry, but one thing that i really noticed about this poem is that the rhyme scheme is really constricting. You're branching out your lines to fit your rhyme scheme, instead of fixing the rhyme scheme to fit the lines. What I mean by this is simple- don't rhyme just to rhyme. I'm a rapper, rhyme is my livelyhood. But there's a time and place to do it.
Now, if I recall this was about thoughts, right? One thing I was hoping to see was a wild terrain of words and sentences that somewhat coincide with one another but don't stick to a particular rhythm, beat, or meter. I wanted to feel my thoughts race as I read this, I wanted to feel as if I was thinking a million different things over and over and that one of these days I would have the answers to the questions that I set out.
Another thing was the sensory detail you have laid out, I wasn't really a big fan of the descriptors. I wanted to run around dancing along the lines, but instead I was delving into my conscious mind that I consider a dictionary- again, a rapper, learning words is a trait. Having to think long and hard over which definition you're using, whether you're using them properly, and in general having to think long about a word means really takes away from the beauty of the poem, which you could easily get to shine within a few drafts.
Anyway, that's all I have. Hoped it help.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Sincerely, Casanova
Hi Shikora here.
This was just a lovely poem. It was fulled with so much emotions, and I could feel the confusion this man has. I think this poem was really good, i really like the way you make the ending of each line rime. I'm not very good at that but you did it really well.
I will have to say you did repeat some words a bit to much like flicker. But that could just be me. If you don't agree then don't worry about changing it.
keep up the good work and never stop writing, and have a great day/night.
Your friend
Shikora.
Hey! Welcome to YWS -
You have some crazy word-choice in here for that rhyming!
Keep up the poetry writing - hope to see more soon.