[Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three]
CHAPTER FOUR
Humble Beginnings
Isaiah was the first to wake up. He groggily looked at his watch; it had been two hours since they had first entered Quietus. The rest of the group was asleep, so he quietly walked over to the raven; he wanted to see if the raven would react when someone stepped over the line as it was sleeping. He turned back to the group and saw how peaceful they were sleeping, and decided not to risk it. Instead, he searched around the vast open area.
Isaiah looked off to his right, and noticed a big-screen television built into the wall. It seemed out of place to him; such a rickety old building couldn’t possibly have such luxuries as a new television, much less in the room that no one could leave once they entered. Nevertheless, there it was, standing in all its glory in front of Isaiah. He looked down, and saw a green button that said PRESS TO PLAY. Isaiah pressed it, and was nearly blinded by the intense light it gave off.
On the screen was a video of an old press conference. The lawn was covered with reporters, buzzing about the new exhibit house opening up in Ashton Valley. The man giving a speech on the screen looked like the Housekeeper, but heavier.
“Friends!” said the young Housekeeper. “It is with great pride that I open to the public, Quietus, a one of a kind experience! It has always been a dream of mine to have something like this in a small town such as Ashton Valley, and now my dream has come true. When you enter, you will experience things that you thought would never exist. It will seem like a dream to you, but I can assure you that inside, everything is real. I truly wish I could let you know what you will see, but you may not believe me. The only way to find out is to come inside.”
“Is this new attraction open for all ages?” asked a reporter.
“It is indeed. The attractions inside miraculously change to fit the personalities of all who enter. If someone is looking for a good scare, the exhibits inside are meant to scare him. If someone is looking for something fun to do, the exhibits inside are meant to entertain him. Each experience will be different for each person, and each person will never have the same experience twice.”
“What is more than one person goes in at the same time?” asked another reporter. “Which person will it prefer?”
“Each person is supposed to enter one at a time, so they can get their experience personalized for them. However, if a parent escorts their child into the building, the building will have exhibits catered to the child, so as to provide a positive experience for the child instead of a detrimental one.”
“Are reporters able to write about their experiences in Quietus?” asked a third reporter.
The Housekeeper glared at the reporter. “No one shall write about what they see! By writing about your experience, you’ll create the illusion that each exhibit is the same, and all of these things I have been telling you will be seen as lies! You reporters all go into something new with a preset ideal in your mind, and with Quietus, that ideal will reflect in your experience. Quietus has infinite possibilities to its experiences. Feel free to tell people about your experience, but if I ever see anything about this ambitious project written in the papers, you will wish you had died in Quietus!”
The Housekeeper stormed away from the podium, leaving the reporters dumbfounded. The reel then cut to a news report with its lead story about Quietus.
“Six people have died since entering the much talked about exhibit house Quietus. Its founder and creator, known only as ‘The Housekeeper’, created Quietus to provide an exhilarating experience for anyone who entered, and for some, the experience turned deadly. The bodies were discovered on the back lawn of the building, each body disemboweled. The Housekeeper refuses to comment on the subject other than releasing a press release which simply says, quote, ‘A person’s experience in Quietus is based on their personalities and desires. The only explanation for their deaths is they didn’t follow the directions given to them. This problem is out of my hands, and should not reflect on myself or the many positive experiences that people have had in Quietus’, end quote.”
Isaiah, mouth agape, turned back to the raven, which was still sleeping with its beak under its wing. He turned back to hear the reporter continue:
“People have been known to leave Quietus with severe injuries, but no one has been known to die until the recent discovery of the bodies. Economists believe that the revenue that Quietus brings in will take a severe hit and may possibly never recover its lost funding.”
The reel cut to a third news report. The same reporter was on the screen, with updated clothing, and an updated story on the fate of Quietus.
“Earlier this evening the infamous exhibit house Quietus was forced by police to close its doors to the public. After much controversy concerning the mysterious deaths of thirty people who have entered, police raided the building and arrested the man known as ‘The Housekeeper’. It is unknown what his given name is, as his birth records have been lost and he refuses to tell police anything. The Housekeeper is being charged with thirty counts of first-degree murder. He will also be charged with several hundred counts of attempted murder, due to the severe injuries many patrons have suffered inside of the house.”
Isaiah couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Thirty counts of first-degree murder? Several hundred counts of attempted murder? Isaiah jumped at the sound of Brian’s voice in his ear.
“Oh my God,” he said. “We’ll never escape this house.”
“What do you mean?” asked Isaiah.
“Thirty people died in here, man. What do you think I mean? I mean we are going to die in here, and turn up in the back lawn, and the house will continue to exist. There will be no way to defeat the house, whatever that means.”
Isaiah turned back to the news report, which had a graphic of a wrecking ball playing in the background.
“Wrecking crews were sent in to tear down the building after police closed it down two months ago. Crew members reported hearing screams from people still inside the building, but a pre-demolition inspection showed that there was no one in the building. Crew members continued with the demolition, but, as this video shows, the house was virtually indestructible.”
The camera then cut to one of the crew members, a shocked look on his face.
“It’s like the house is a living being,” he said. “Every time I threw the ball into the building, it would let out a shriek. I almost felt bad for hurting it, but it’s a building! Why should I feel bad doing my job?”
“After several hours of wrecking balls and explosives,” the reporter continued, “the building known as Quietus was left to rot and collapse on its own.”
The foreman appeared on the screen. “I’m not going to waste their time and our manpower on this building. If it won’t go down with our machinery and explosives, then it will go down with nature. Until then, we ask all people to please stay away from the building, as it is sure to be collapsing with in the next couple of months.”
The screen suddenly went blank. Isaiah noticed that, in addition to Brian, Trina, Lisa, Ted, and David were standing around him. Everyone turned back to the raven sleeping in its case. Lisa, whom everyone was expecting to slip back into her state of panic, remained surprisingly calm.
“Well,” she said. “If we’re going to beat the house, we better find its weaknesses.”
She walked past the raven’s case and further into the empty room. The rest of the group, confused by her sudden change of attitude, quickly ran to catch up with her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Isaiah jumped at the sound of Brian’s voice in his ear.
“Oh my God,” he said. “We’ll never escape this house.”
I think that that you should say he jumped after Brian says, "Oh my God,". Right now it sounds a little weird with the order. So have him speak or something before you mention Isaiah jumping.
that's it for specifics, though you have a couple grammatical errors. Overall, I still love your storyline; however, I think you're losing your great descriptions. I'm still interested in this chapter, but it's not quite grasping me as well as it had in previous chapters and I think that's because you're telling more than showing.
I'm also still wondering if you might have grabbed too many characters. I'm curious to see how you're going to be able to develop all the characters.
I know it took me forever to finally remember to read this again...but chapter five, please! *holds hand open* ^.^
--meow