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Conquest of Shadows - Flames with In - Prologue

by FlamingPhoenix


                                                                               

As blue as the calmest ocean,

It’s motionless.

 

It hasn’t been touched for many years,

Hidden away from the remaining Kingdoms.

 

Until the moss and fog clears

Not one shall find this mystery

Not even the scrolls of the century.

 

But one shell come and light the spark

Revealing its mighty glow throughout the dark.

Prologue

Thunder rolled through the ever-darkening sky as distant clouds began to form overhead, their sinister shapes churning into one another like a tidal wave riding the ocean. Sharp blades of light brightened the sky as it sliced through the darkness, for a few seconds lighting up the blood-coated ground below.

As the storm above began to rain down the battle below continued, blood-stained bodies littered the ground as diseased soldiers finally found their rest. Though they seemed to go unnoticed as the few who remained standing continued to fight off the invading army.

Mud and open gashes already coating his war-beaten body Arthur wiped the fresh blood from his face, the crimson liquid smearing across his jaw. Grip tightening around the hilt of his sword Arthur stared out over the battlefield for a moment, his eyes roaming over a land that was once full of life and flourished, but now, it was the resting place for many fallen souls.

Ears flattening against his head, Arthur narrowed his eyes when he spotted a tall figure approach. He watched as the other elf removed his helmet, throwing it to the ground the red-stained metal submerged into the mud.

He and his army had been trying their best to protect their kingdom, Yahadna for months; it had ended up in long, sleepless, and painful battles. Many loved once lost to the endless killing.

Just when they thought they had the upper hand the other line had called in reinforcements, so here they were their last line of defense barely standing but still willing to put their lives on the line.

Before the war had even started Arthur had heard of Damien, though at the time they were only rumors, no one had thought too much of it. Not many believed someone of Damien’s ranking and history would be able to form an army. Who would trust him? After what he did, who would want to follow him into battle?

Metal scraping against one another removed Arthur from his thoughts as he swiftly lifted his sword to block an oncoming attack. The heals of his shoes digging deep into the ground as Arthur pushed back against Damien’s assault.

Abruptly kicking Damien in the stomach, Arthur jumped back gritting his teeth as his fresh wounds stung at being reopened. Seizing his opportunity while Damien was down Arthur grabbed his discarded sword from the mud as he ran to make his killing blow.

Every bone in his body ached at his sudden movements, but he pushed the pain aside as he lifted his weapon, the crimson-stained metal shimmering with fresh raindrops.

Just as his arm was coming down towards Damien, Arthur felt the air leave his lungs as he was kicked back, his body hitting the ground, excruciating pain racing over his body as he cried out in agony.

Scrunching his eyes closed, Arthur tried to regain his breath, his chest stinging with every small inhale. As he lay there, the rain seeping between his armor plating, Arthur could hear the sound of heavy footsteps come towards him.

Wheezing as he got to his feet Arthur gripped his sword once again as he stared Damien down, the man’s black eyes emotionless as his face remained cold.

“Why?” Arthur ask, blood seeping out the corner of his mouth, his breaths came out in short bursts as he used his sword for balance.

Removing a cloth from one of the pouches strapped to his hip, Damien ran the soft fabric over the cool steel of his blade before he spoke, “You have something that belongs to me.”

‘So, that’s what he’s been after this entire time? This is the reason for the war. Just so he can be granted more power?’ Arthur thought, glaring back at Damien as his thoughts went to the object in one of his pouches.

“I see...we’re not going to agree.” Damien calmly spoke, slashing his sword out at an oncoming solder. He didn’t even flinch when the man roared out in pain, clutching his midsection as he fell to his knees, blood seeping through his fingers, pooling at his knees.

Feeling sick to the pit of his stomach, Arthur gripped the hilt of his sword as he glared back at Damien. He couldn’t let someone like him have such power, there was a reason it could only be used by a rare few.

“It’s a shame...” Damien sneered, as he analyzed Arthur, his cold, black eyes never holding any kind of emotion as he circled. “Such power...wasted on you...” Removing another sword from its sheath Damien began to advance, the silver plating of his armor dented and coated in dirt and the devastation of the previous battles.

Sword still tightly secure in his grasp Arthur backed away from Damien, his eyes landing on a discarded shield. If he could get his hands on it he would be able to defend and attack at the same time.

Just as Damien made a swing for him, Arthur ducked and rolled towards the shield just managing to hook it to his arm before he had to lift it above his head to block yet another attack, the painful sound of loud scratching filling his ears.

Kicking one of his legs out, Arthur made a swing for Damien’s feet but narrowly missed as Damien moved behind him kicking him in the back, sending him to the ground as shots of pain travel up his spine.

The sounds of battle filled his senses as Arthur regained his footing, metal against metal overpowered by the shouts of pain traveling through the air. Cold flashes of lightning sliced through the faintly darkening sky, as the rain poured down, mourning those who were lost to the many battles.

Ears flattened against his head Arthur let loose a roar of anger as he turned, ruthlessly slashing his weapon at Damien. It was his fault so many had died, it was because of him so many families would never get to see their loved ones again, and all because of power.

Yelling out in pain, Arthur jerked away from Damien as one of his weapons cut open an old wound in his side. Having to clench his jaw together to just stop himself from falling back in pain, Arthur gripped his shield closer to his chest as he lunged again for Damien, who swiftly dodged his attack.

Kicking up water and dirt, Arthur immediately turned around slashing his sword upwards meeting up with Damien’s, the two continued this dance of blades for a while, the force of the ongoing attacks forcing Arthur’s feet further into the dirt.

Breathing heavily, Arthur pushed back against Damien’s blade his vision becoming fuzzy, the outlines of everything becoming a blur.

To stop his head from spinning Arthur focused on the sword he was pushing against, it took every ounce of strength in him not to lose control of his body and fall to the ground out of pain and lack of energy.

Taking a step back, Damien watched as Arthur stumbled forward, the grip on his weapon loosening before he allowed it to fall to the ground, no longer able to keep a hold, his fingers twitching.

Placing his swords back in their sheaths, Damien began to circle Arthur who watched him with dull, gray eyes. “Won’t be long now.” Damien chuckled, coming back to stand in front of Arthur, kicking his sword away when he attempted to reach for it.

Barely able to function, Arthur could hardly make out what Damien had said as his insides churned. As he took a shaky step forward his fist as tight as he could make them, Arthur felt his knees buckle, resulting with him on his hands and knees the sick feeling rising as the world around him spun uncontrollably.

Small beads of sweat ran down Arthur’s face as he wheezed for air, his chest becoming tight as he slowly got to his feet with much effort, his legs still unstable.

Removing a smaller blade from its sheath on his hip, Arthur used what little strength he had left to attempt a swing at Damien, though he was quickly disarmed with a firm kick to the wrist sending the weapon flying out of his grip. Before he even had time to react, Arthur let out a shout of pain as another firm kick to the gut sent him flying, his body rolling in the mud until it came to a slow stop.

Covered in dirt and the blood of his fallen enemies, Arthur bit back a hiss of pain as he got to his feet. Looking around, Arthur could only make out the fuzzy forms of those who fought around him, the clashing of weapons long ago phased out into distant static noise.

Disorientated, Arthur fell back to his hands and knees as he lost all feeling, his body forcing him to empty whatever contents were left in his stomach. Left with the taste of iron and bile in his mouth, Arthur gasped for what little air he could manage as he watched Damien approach, the cool steal of his blade dripping with newly shed blood.

His vision slowly becoming darker, Arthur watched as Damien knelt beside him, removing the pouch strapped to his hip. Eyes heavy, Arthur looked on as Damien removed the round item from within the pouch, the blue swirls within its core fading out.

A sly grin creeping its way onto Damien’s face was the last thing Arthur saw before he succumbed to the darkness, his pain and grief washed away by the emptiness.

 

 

Poem at the top was made by @Dossereana


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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy....so this is finally back..and hmm, you've certainly managed to make this prologue feel a lot darker and bloodier than it was before. Arthur's collapse towards the end was also a lot more drawn out and made for a strong ending there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

As blue as the calmest ocean,

It’s motionless.

It hasn’t been touched for many years,

Hidden away from the remaining Kingdoms.

Until the moss and fog clears

Not one shall find this mystery

Not even the scrolls of the century.

But one shell come and light the spark

Revealing its mighty glow throughout the dark.


Ooooh...I think that's referring to the gemstone there, isn't it? It has to be....what else is going to do all that fancy glowing and remain hidden to pretty much everything until someone manages to uncover it and then gift it to Richard...I mean end up having it taken by Richard.

Thunder rolled through the ever-darkening sky as distant clouds began to form overhead, their dark shapes churning into one another like a tidal wave riding the ocean. Sharp blades of light brightened the sky as it sliced through the darkness, for a few seconds lighting up the blood-coated ground below.

As the storm above began to rain down the battle below continued, blood-stained bodies littered the ground as diseased soldiers finally found their rest. Though they seemed to go unnoticed as the few who remained standing continued to fight off the invading army.


Okay...a very dark opening theme there...we've already got the tried and tested accompaniments of lightning and rain and thunder...which sets the mood right away with some intense description there...but then we've also got a straight up field of dead folks...which adds to that to make a pretty dark image there...well, well...the tone for the story has been set right away in the prologue.

Mud and open gashes already coating his war-beaten body Arthur whipped the fresh blood from his face, the crimson liquid smearing across his jaw. Grip tightening around the hilt of his sword Arthur stared out over the battlefield for a moment, his eyes roaming over a land that was once full of life and flourished, but now, it was the resting place for many fallen souls.

Ears flattening against his head, Arthur narrowed his eyes when he spotted a tall figure approach. He watched as the other elf removed his helmet, throwing it to the ground the red-stained metal submerged into the mud.


Hmm..so they're all elves now..instead of humans..or just this other guy. I remember you talking about something like this at some point, but I can't fully remember that...at any rate, its interesting to see just the focus shift very pointed on these two, cause that lets you know right away that in this huge, army they're the ones that we need to notice.

He and his army had been trying their best to protect their kingdom, Yahadna for months; it had ended up in long, sleepless, and painful battles. Many loved once lost to the endless killing.

Just when they thought they had the upper hand the other line had called in reinforcements, so here they were their last line of defense barely standing but still willing to put their lives on the line.


Hmmm...interesting strategy there. We've got the beginning of what appears like its going to be a bit of an intense face off and then the flow is broken there to tell us more about the battle. I feel like you end this one sort of breaks the tension that you managed to build earlier at the start.

Before the war had even started Arthur had heard of Damien, though at the time they were only rumors, no one had thought too much of it. Not many believed someone of Damien’s ranking and history would be able to form an army. Who would trust him? After what he did, who would want to follow him into battle?

Mettle scraping against one another removed Arthur from his thoughts as he swiftly lifted his sword to block an oncoming attack. The heals of his shoes digging deep into the ground as Arthur pushed back against Damien’s assault.


Hmm...I think that paragraph giving a sight hint at Damien's backstory will work though, even that one doesn't mess with the pacing as much...and I like how we finally then get to see some blows getting exchanged and the fighting actually getting underway.

Abruptly kicking Damien in the stomach, Arthur jumped back gritting his teeth as his fresh wounds stung at being reopened. Seizing his opportunity while Damien was down Arthur grabbed his discarded sword from the mud as he ran to make his killing blow.

Every bone in his body ached at his sudden movements, but he pushed the pain aside as he lifted his weapon, the crimson-stained mettle shimmering with fresh raindrops.

Just as his arm was coming down towards Damien, Arthur felt the air leave his lungs as he was kicked back, his body hitting the ground, excruciating pain racing over his body as he cried out in agony.


Oooh, this fight scene is progressing really well here. I'm loving the beats of the fight so far, Damien making that first move, Arthur getting the upper hand there for a bit as he makes his moves and then Damien clearly having recovered enough to knock Arthur back here. Its shows these two are fairly well matched opponents and makes for an interesting fight here.

Scrunching his eyes closed, Arthur tried to regain his breath, his chest stinging with every small inhale. As he lay there, the rain seeping between his armor plating, Arthur could hear the sound of heavy footsteps come towards him.

Wheezing as he got to his feet Arthur gripped his sword once again as he stared Damien down, the man’s black eyes emotionless as his face remained cold.

“Why?” Arthur ask, blood seeping out the corner of his mouth, his breaths came out in short bursts as he used his sword for balance.


Ooooh, well looks like that was about the final blow of the fight there...I like that, it was a quick and efficient fight, no unnecessary theatrics and very true to how this sort of things would take place on a realy battlefield.

Removing a cloth from one of the pouches strapped to his hip, Damien ran the soft fabric over the cool steel of his blade before he spoke, “You have something that belongs to me.”

‘So, that’s what he’s been after this entire time? This is the reason for the war. Just so he can be granted more power?’ Arthur thought, glaring back at Damien as his thoughts went to the object in one of his pouches.


Hmm...well, we all know what that thing is...and we know exactly what sort of things Damien likes to chase after soo...that's a yes right there Arthur, sadly it looks like you're not going to get this victory and you're going to lose that object.

“I see...we’re not going to agree.” Damien calmly spoke, slashing his sword out at an oncoming solder. He didn’t even flinch when the man roared out in pain, clutching his midsection as he fell to his knees, blood seeping through his fingers, pooling at his knees.

Feeling sick to the pit of his stomach, Arthur gripped the hilt of his sword as he glared back at Damien. He couldn’t let someone like him have such power, there was a reason it could only be used by a rare few.


Oooh...low the casual killing of a random soldier. It makes for a good reminder that this is in fact taking place in the midst of an actual battlefield while also showing the ruthlessness that Damien fights with.

“It’s a shame...” Damien sneered, as he analyzed Arthur, his cold, black eyes never holding any kind of emotion as he circled. “Such power...wasted on you...” Removing another sword from its sheath Damien began to advance, the silver plating of his armor dented and coated in dirt and the devastation of the previous battles.

Sword still tightly secure in his grasp Arthur backed away from Damien, his eyes landing on a discarded shield. If he could get his hands on it he would be able to defend and attack at the same time.


Oooh, I thought Arthur was already done for by that point, but it looks like this fight is going to have a round two here...well, well, this should be quite interesting to see going forward here.

Just as Damien made a swing for him, Arthur ducked and rolled towards the shield just managing to hook it to his arm before he had to lift it above his head to block yet another attack, the painful sound of loud scratching filling his ears.

Kicking one of his legs out, Arthur made a swing for Damien’s feet but narrowly missed as Damien moved behind him kicking him in the back, sending him to the ground as shots of pain travel up his spine.


Ahh, I really do love this little back and forth between the two, it really shows how the two are matched in the fight and you can tell that when eventually Damien manages to win this fight, that's mostly due to the sheer ruthlessness of his technique.

The sounds of battle filled his senses as Arthur regained his footing, mettle against mettle overpowered by the shouts of pain traveling through the air. Cold flashes of lightning sliced through the faintly darkening sky, as the rain poured down, mourning those who were lost to the many battles.

Ears flattened against his head Arthur let loose a roar of anger as he turned, ruthlessly slashing his weapon at Damien. It was his fault so many had died, it was because of him so many families would never get to see their loved ones again, and all because of power.


Ooh, that sounds like its set to be Arthur's one final burst of energy there, he's given it his all to try and end Damien right there, but if Damien blocks this particular series of attacks, then Arthur's essentially done for here.

Yelling out in pain, Arthur jerked away from Damien as one of his weapons cut open an old wound in his side. Having to clench his jaw together to just stop himself from falling back in pain, Arthur gripped his shield closer to his chest as he lunged again for Damien, who swiftly dodged his attack.

Kicking up water and dirt, Arthur immediately turned around slashing his sword upwards meeting up with Damien’s, the two continued this dance of blades for a while, the force of the ongoing attacks forcing Arthur’s feet further into the dirt.


Hmm, yeah, Arthur is definitely tiring out there and looks like Damien here is doing a little bit of stalling almost, absorbing all of the frenzied attacks that Arthur is throwing so that Damien can then take advantage of Arthur's weakened state. As evil as he is, it seems like he is the more intelligent fighter in this confrontation.

Breathing heavily, Arthur pushed back against Damien’s blade his vision becoming fuzzy, the outlines of everything becoming a blur.

To stop his head from spinning Arthur focused on the sword he was pushing against, it took every ounce of strength in him not to lose control of his body and fall to the ground out of pain and lack of energy.

Taking a step back, Damien watched as Arthur stumbled forward, the grip on his weapon loosening before he allowed it to fall to the ground, no longer able to keep a hold, his fingers twitching.


Ahh, you can see the end slowly coming by this point, Arthur slowly begins to shut down almost out of sheer exhaustion and it looks like Damien is now going to step in for the kill and finish off this fight here.

Placing his swords back in their sheaths, Damien began to circle Arthur who watched him with dull, gray eyes. “Won’t be long now.” Damien chuckled, coming back to stand in front of Arthur, kicking his sword away when he attempted to reach for it.

Barely able to function, Arthur could hardly make out what Damien had said as his insides churned. As he took a shaky step forward his fist as tight as he could make them, Arthur felt his knees buckle, resulting with him on his hands and knees the sick feeling rising as the world around him spun uncontrollably.


Hmm..Damien trying to fight fair, that's not something I ever expected to see, him sheathing his swords to take this seems almost a touch out of character, but then I suppose this is also somewhat based on his ego cause he wants to finish Arthur off with his bare hands perhaps.

Small beads of sweat ran down Arthur’s face as he wheezed for air, his chest becoming tight as he slowly got to his feet with much effort, his legs still unstable.

Removing a smaller blade from its sheath on his hip, Arthur used what little strength he had left to attempt a swing at Damien, though he was quickly disarmed with a firm kick to the wrist sending the weapon flying out of his grip. Before he even had time to react, Arthur let out a shout of pain as another firm kick to the gut sent him flying, his body rolling in the mud until it came to a slow stop.


Hmm, you can see how Arthur continues to fight with every single trick that he can think of as he's slashing and hacking all over the place with whatever he has, but by now Damien is in full control of this fight and only playing around with Arthur here.

Covered in dirt and the blood of his fallen enemies, Arthur bit back a hiss of pain as he got to his feet. Looking around, Arthur could only make out the fuzzy forms of those who fought around him, the clashing of weapons long ago phased out into distant static noise.

Disorientated, Arthur fell back to his hands and knees as he lost all feeling, his body forcing him to empty whatever contents were left in his stomach. Left with the taste of iron and bile in his mouth, Arthur gasped for what little air he could manage as he watched Damien approach, his weapon dripping with newly shed blood.


Hmm, well Damien is taking his time playing around with his prey there...but now this one seems like one step that Arthur can't really find any sort of way to power through and Damien is simply going to leave him to die here...it doesn't even seem like Damien is going to actually land any sort of killing blow here.

His vision slowly becoming darker, Arthur watched as Damien knelt beside him, removing the pouch strapped to his hip. Eyes heavy, Arthur looked on as Damien removed the round item from within the pouch, the blue swirls within its core fading out.

A sly grin creeping its way onto Damien’s face was the last thing Arthur saw before he succumbed to the darkness, his pain and grief washed away by the emptiness.


Well..that ended exactly as we knew it would...now that gem just needs to get stolen by someone who then ends up delivering it to Richard...;)

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a pretty decent prologue here. We've got a pretty well done fight scene that brings across who Damien is and also establishes our gem as an important thing that's going to determine a lot of things about the story. Well, looking forward to seeing what you've changed in the stuff to come here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you so much for the review! It was as much fun to read as always!

I'm glad you found this prologue better than the last one, I worked really hard at it. XD I feel so sorry for Arthur, last time it was a very quick death.
*sigh* Damien is so evil, but I'm loving it. I really wanted to bring across the threat in the prologue so it can continue throughout the story.

I can't wait for you to read the rest of the story! I have so many things planned!
*evil laugh*



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!! :D

Ahh, I'm excited to see that :D





:D Me too! I'm hoping there will be some surprises down the line that you didn't see coming.



HarryHardy says...


Ooooh :D



HarryHardy says...


Ooooh :D





Hehe I'll just keep you hanging now. ;)



HarryHardy says...


;)

*whispers quietly*

theory neurons activate





XD I look forward to what you will come up with. :D



HarryHardy says...


:D



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Sat Sep 25, 2021 7:51 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Aaaandrew here with a review! Saw this was a new start and thought hey, why not give this book a go. Overall this chapter was well written, it felt dark without being to angsty, magical, without being too silly, and action-packed, without being shallow.
I think writing combats actually difficult to do but you handled it, well.
I'm pretty confused when it comes to lore and crap, but that's prologues for you. It's a great start, throws us right into the action and the momentum. One small comment is that hope that in our next chapter we get to see whoever our main characters are in a noncombatant context, so we can get to know them and like them before we have to start rooting for them. But that might just spring from my intense obsession with the hero's journey format and the belief that its basic format should always be abided by.
But I digress.
Into specifics!
Always got to love a good prophecy to start a book, especially one that introduces our macguffin.

Thunder rolled through the ever-darkening sky as distant clouds began to form overhead, their dark shapes churning into one another like a tidal wave riding the ocean. Sharp blades of light brightened the sky as it sliced through the darkness, for a few seconds lighting up the blood-coated ground below.

This is a great first paragraph, pulls us in and sets the mood.
Mud and open gashes already coating his war-beaten body Arthur whipped the fresh blood from his face, the crimson liquid smearing across his jaw.

I assume you meant wiped? Not whipped, because that means like, with a wip.

Ears flattening against his head, Arthur narrowed his eyes when he spotted a tall figure approach. He watched as the other elf removed his helmet, throwing it to the ground the red-stained metal submerged into the mud.

A bit clunky, I'd edit.
Mettle scraping against one another removed Arthur from his thoughts as he swiftly lifted his sword to block an oncoming attack.

Metal? Also, this happens a couple of times later, so if it was an accident, I'd just quickly search through and correct those
Also, I'd just edit this bit, because it kinda makes it feel like Damien just poofed out of nowhere, and it is unclear what the exact source of the sound.
‘So, that’s what he’s been after this entire time? This is the reason for the war. Just so he can be granted more power?’ Arthur thought, glaring back at Damien as his thoughts went to the object in one of his pouches.

These parts really cool, and makes me ache to read the story, and see more of this object's future. The only complaint is though they're fight is cool, at some points it's confusing, and it's hard to tell which of the two men you're talking about. So some clarification and a quick edit through the fighting could really help it be even better!
“I see...we’re not going to agree.” Damien calmly spoke, slashing his sword out at an oncoming solder. He didn’t even flinch when the man roared out in pain, clutching his midsection as he fell to his knees, blood seeping through his fingers, pooling at his knees.

I'm a bit confused about the context, I may just be dumb, but is this battlefield mostly empty? battle fields don't normally allow one on one combat like this, unless everyone ran away and just left a couple of determined soldiers, and if so, what's to stopped some ranged fighters from laying some arrows into these two as they engage in this nice little conversation. But that may be a bit nit-picky of me XD.
“It’s a shame...” Damien sneered, as he analyzed Arthur, his cold, black eyes never holding any kind of emotion as he circled. “Such power...wasted on you...” Removing another sword from its sheath Damien began to advance, the silver plating of his armor dented and coated in dirt and the devastation of the previous battles.

Ooooh great line. This antagonist will be fun to see more off. So eeeviil
His vision slowly becoming darker, Arthur watched as Damien knelt beside him, removing the pouch strapped to his hip. Eyes heavy, Arthur looked on as Damien removed the round item from within the pouch, the blue swirls within its core fading out.

I bet Damien will only do good things with this stone.
The magic power object is umm, the most fantasy-tropy fantasy trope of all time, but I will enjoy it forever, and I'm interested to see how you handle it.
My largest complaint would be the ambiguity at some moments, but that's all just my two cents!
Besides that, super excited to read the first chapter!
Thanks, and keep writing
Andrew






Thank you for the review Andrew! I'm super glad you dropped by for a read!
I'm really glad you want to see more of Damien, that was the kind of reaction I was trying to get out of this chapter, I wanted to build my villein up.

I will have to go back and fix the mistakes my made for sure! Thank you for catching those. Even after reading through and editing I still miss them. XD

I"m really glad you want to read the next chapter, i will be sure to tag you when it's posted.



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Sat Sep 25, 2021 6:09 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi FlamingPhoenix,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

So the new start has officially begun. So, let's start with an overall insight. I found it an exciting prologue. It had some points that I liked and some that I found a bit stereotypical in parts. But since it's only the opening, that can still change, of course. After all, with this prologue / first chapters, you have to motivate the reader to read on. In any case, you have done that.

An all-encompassing overview works very well here, because I find it very exciting how you fall into the story with the wonderful descriptions and then it goes more to the characters. It's like the beginning of a film, where you see the battlefield through the clouds and finally get to the main character, Arthur.

We learn a little about him and think, but that not enough has been seen of him at the moment to have a direct opinion. He comes across as determined, especially in the way that he doesn't lapse into revenge or a hatred, but sees it as a duty to be a defensive wall.

In general, I like the way you've structured the prologue. Your writing style was between poetic and epic, I think, and it always created a strange pattern where the reader was pushed back and forth like on a swing. At times, however, I found this "finding of a style" a bit hectic and it also affected the flow of the reading. At one point you are very poetic and at the other you build in a new form, giving a bigger jolt. Example with the swing: you have already reached the highest point, but you still try to swing your legs again to get higher before you even go back. Especially more in the middle part, I found the reading flow like a body of water with lots of rocks sticking out. I think you definitely manage to build up a good arc of tension with it, but it's still noticeable when the same pattern comes back. Yet you maintain a dynamic style that adapts fluidly.

Now briefly to Damien; I think the performance was quite short from him. We saw more of the "practice" than the "theory". I think it's good that the introduction was kept short in order to illustrate his deeds with other deeds. I also like this determination that he has, but you also notice right away that he goes in a different direction than Arthur. In any case, a good point.

Finally, we come to the poem. I also like it very much. It seems like a prophecy. :D Overall, it's a good prologue. It's still a bit obvious that you're looking for a style to better represent this here for the big open field we have now, but I also think that will come as the chapters progress. In summary, it's a good prologue.

Other points I noticed while reading:

Thunder rolled through the ever-darkening sky as distant clouds began to form overhead, their dark shapes churning into one another like a tidal wave riding the ocean.

You really fall into your introduction and I love how you play with the words here and create a nice overview. I just thought you could change "dark shapes" to "sinister shapes" or "black shapes" because "dark" is already used in the sentence.

Mud and open gashes already coating his war-beaten body Arthur whipped the fresh blood from his face, the crimson liquid smearing across his jaw.

Your sentence structure is a bit bumpy in places, as if you are always trying to insert a different style. Here, for example, is such a sentence. Actually, though, I would just add a comma after "his war-beaten body".

Many loved once lost to the endless killing.

I'm not sure here, but shouldn't the "once" be "ones"? The sentence sounds fine like that, but in the context of the rest of the paragraph I had the impression that it should be "ones".

Who would trust him? After what he did, who would want to follow him into battle?

Very good insertion of questions that the reader receives like this and does not yet know the answer. You build up a good mystery over the prologue.

Damien calmly spoke, slashing his sword out at an oncoming solder.

The slash hit the "i" of soldier. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice






Thank you so much for the review! It was very helpful!
I was having a little trouble with this chapter for some reason, so when I go back and edit again I'll fix it up.

I'm glad you like Arthur and Damien, I tried really hard to bring across their character, and I"m happy to say I think it worked. :D

I can't wait for you to read the next chapter, I'll try and get it out soon. :D




I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara