Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so here we are. Sorry its taken me awhile to get around to this, but I'm finally here. Soo...this has definitely changed quite a bit. Honestly it feels like a totally different story and I think maybe that's what you going for so its definitely working. Its a very different style of start here so I can't really compare and say whether this is better than the previous version, but on its own, its a good start here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Cool milky blades of moonlight slice through the night sky as a soft but cold breeze blew over the city, seeming to carry the soft glow throughout the streets, illuminating the buildings in an eerie white radiance.

Hunched over in the cold shadows of a chimney an elf looked up towards the palace in the distance, the warm glow from the torches lit within lighting up the building in a soft orange. The palace was one of those things that were hard to miss, built on the highest point in the city it loomed over all surrounding it.

His azure eyes scanned the ground below as he crouched low on the rooftop, his black clothing allowing him to merge with the shadows.

Now and then he would find himself looking up to the palace and wonder what it would be like to live there. What it was like to never have to worry about where your next meal was coming from, or if you would have somewhere safe to sleep that night?

Apparently, a lot of things changed twelve years ago after the rebellion. He had been too young to take place in it though, so he knew little of the details.

Moving slowly towards the edge of the roof he looked down towards the streets below, watching as the guards passed, patrolling the city like they did every night. They would always start from the palace then move down towards the edge of the city, remaining by the forest that surrounded the kingdom on the lookout for intruders for a while.

He had spent most of his time watching the guards so he knew every four hours a new round of patrols would take the next shift. Though it didn’t leave a large window to sneak in or out of the city between dusk and dawn. Especially since there were two groups, one going towards the north side of the kingdom and the other to the south.

Sitting back against the chimney he heaved a long sigh closing his eyes for just a moment allowing himself to drift into a world he wished existed. No fear, empty stomachs or pain. A king worthy of respect, and families to come home too.

“If only it were real…” He mumbled, his ears flattening against the side of his head as he looked up at the pale moon above, its silver rays only hiding the darkness that hung over the people that lived in the city.

A loud thud from above could be heard as the other elf landed on the rooftop, coming to a halt. Shuffling above could be heard as the other elf approached the gap between the houses.

Still crouching low, melting away into the shadows the young elf looked up towards the roof, hoping to catch a glimpse of who was there, but the figure didn’t come close enough, only a small portion of his form could be seen.

‘Maybe I have enough time to get to another building before the guards do another round? It would be risky.’ He thought suppressing the need to sigh. ‘Maybe I should stay put. Even if I do manage to get into another ally there is a high chance of being spotted by whoever is above me, or the guards. Personally, I’d have a better chance with the guards than one of the King’s-’

“Ahh, here you are, I thought-” The voice was quickly cut off when a sharp blade was swiftly thrown towards their head the silver mettle reflecting the light of the moon only for a second before hitting the wall behind the man, embedding itself into the brick.

The look of fear that came across the elf's face was quickly washed away when he looked back at the other elf that stood in the shadows. “Nice.” Dusting himself off, he continued. “That’s just the way one would like to be greeted.”

“Ethan, should have known it was you.” The younger elf grumbled seeming to relax, his stance not as stiff.

Ethan sent the young elf a grin before turning to remove the blade from the wall, “Well I didn’t expect you to try and murder me, Richard.”

Turning to face Ethan, Richard arched an eyebrow in slight amusement, the mask covering the lower half of his face hiding the smirk underneath. “And yet it seems you were looking for me?”

Smacking his forehead Ethan sighed pinching the bridge of his nose, “Because I knew you would be out here. When have you ever followed the rules?” He asked his silver eyes holding small hints of concern.

“Exactly!” Richard said nonchalantly over his shoulder, his back pressed against the wall as he looked into the streets for the next patrol. “And still you act surprised every time.”

Before Ethan could retort he watched as Richard pulled the hood of his cloak further over his head, his azure eyes now the only thing visible as he dashed out into the opening, leaving Ethan to grumble under his breath.

Just as he managed to get himself out of view, Richard could hear the heavy footsteps of armored guards approach.

‘That was too close.’ Richard thought looking around the chimney, watching the two men walk away, not seeming to notice his presence.

Once he was sure they were gone, Richard got to his feet looking in the direction the two patrols men had gone, then his gaze moved to the ally he was in just a little while ago.

‘I wonder where Ethan ran off too?’ Richard scanned the streets for a sign of the other elf but couldn’t see anything. ‘I guess he managed to get into another hiding spot before the guards saw him.’ He thought, grateful that he had managed to get away before getting spotted.

A loud thud could be heard from the other end of the roof, this causing Richard to quickly turn, his hand at the hilt of his sword. Though his hand soon returned to his side when his eyes landed on Ethan’s disapproving gaze.

The other elf shook his head as he crossed his arms, “That was a little close don’t ya think?” He lifted an eyebrow as he watched Richard.

“I would have been fine if you hadn’t distracted me,” Richard argued back, sending a glare in Ethan’s direction.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Ethan asked as Richard moved towards the next house over readying himself to jump across.

“Doesn’t matter.” Richard shot over his shoulder before jumping to the next roof, thus continuing.

As he ran along the rooftops Richard took note of the houses around him changing the closer he got to the border, this no longer surprised him though, the lower you were in the kingdom the worse your living conditions, there wasn’t anything you could do about it. Well, the only thing you could do was join the King’s army, but not many willingly took that option.

Coming to a stop on one of the last houses lining the border, Richard watched as the guards walked towards their outpost, there they would remain for the next four hours. He was hoping he would have made it before they swapped out, but that was before Ethan had shown up.

The ruffle of clothing and someone landing on the roof next to him made Richard remove his gaze from the guards to look at Ethan. “You know you’re never going to change my mind,” Richard told him watching his face for any change in expression.

“I know...” Ethan replied, keeping his voice low, not wanting to attract any unwanted attention. “But vengeance isn’t the way to go.”

“But how can I stand by and let him do what he pleases?” Richard asked, clenching his jaw in rage, his sapphire eyes ablaze with ignited hatred.

Shaking his head Ethan looked towards Richard. “That’s something you’re going to have to do on your own, I can’t tell you how to put your anger in the past...Just know this, the more hate you have the more you will hurt those around you.” Standing, Ethan walked towards the other roof. Before jumping across he paused for a moment to look back at Richard, their eyes meeting for a moment. “Just, think about it, okay?”

Looking down at the wood Richard slowly nodded, he knew Ethan was right, but it was a lot easier said than done, letting go of once hate isn’t something you could do overnight. With a nod Ethan made his leave, his cloak fluttering in the wind as he ran, his form soon melting into the night.

Sitting back against the chimney, Richard looked up towards the midnight blue sky, the pale moon slowly rising further into the atmosphere. Letting loose a long sigh Richard closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the soft tickle of the wind on his cheek.

‘It’s going to be a long time until dawn, might as well try and get some rest.’ Richard thought glancing over at the guards for a moment. There wasn’t any way for him to get past them and into the forest anyway, it was just too risky. Besides, there wasn’t anything for him to return to as it was, so what was the point?

‘One day I’ll make him pay.’ Richard thought turning his gaze onto the forest in front of him, the trees dark shapes melting into one another like black ink on a scroll. ‘Just, not yet.’

Wow, this was amazing! I'm new on this website and this was the first thing I read! Can't wait to see what else you have:)

Hi FlamingPhoenix,

Mailice here with a short review!

That was an extremely interesting chapter. It had a light, gentle tone at the beginning and developed into a particular flurry of activity in the second half, after the reader has settled into this world. It turned out very well and I like it.

You did a wonderful job of building an atmosphere with the first descriptions and managed to pull the reader right into the world. You manage very well to present the world in a special light. Above all, I like the way you went about it - first you describe something, then you show that it comes from the perspective of an elf and then you continue. That helped well to get into the world, as if you were coming from above and then realising that you are not alone.

What I particularly liked was also the tone, which is so calm and relaxed. Despite a certain tension there, you manage to keep the reader glued to the lines. I would just watch out sometimes that you don't repeat yourself too much with some descriptions. Sometimes it seems repetitive and I would either try to mention something completely new or change it in a metaphorical and partly philosophical sense.

The second half started with a good surprise and I like how that felt like a bit of a climax in this chapter before we get to know some of the characters. It's been a good transition to introduce the setting and give the reader some questions already about what's happened or what life the elf is living when he imagines how the king must be doing, and I think you manage to portray that well in the dialogue later on. A bit of the non-existent caution and fear but also a bit of a gimmick. I felt very much where the chapter developed from there as well.

Another point I also liked was the build up of the thoughts we received. It makes me feel like I got another deeper insight there. What I also liked there was that you realised that the elf has a good heart, and doesn't just imagine some things because he wants to, but because he's not doing so well in some ways.

Here, too, in the second half, I would just be careful now and then that you don't make the sentences too long, or insert "unnecessary" interjections to lengthen the description. I think they should be in a separate sentence rather than just between two other sentences, because it makes some sentences a bit long.

Otherwise, I liked the chapter a lot. It doesn't build on what's in the prologue yet, but I like how you can then create links over the coming chapters and when you come back you realise, "Oh, that was it!", which gives you a bit more of an understanding of where the meaning of some of the descriptions lie.

Unfortunately, I have already reached the end of the review and the baked apple is still in front of me.

Other points I noticed while reading:

Cool milky blades of moonlight slice through the night sky as a soft but cold breeze blew over the city, seeming to carry the soft glow throughout the streets, illuminating the buildings in an eerie white radiance.

Apparently, a lot of things changed twelve years ago after the rebellion.

Ears perking the elf quickly got to his feet pressing his back against the bricks of the chimney as he listened, the sounds of light but noticeable footsteps could be heard.

his black clothing proving well to hide him in the inky black.

Andrew here for a review! Caught this just as it entered the green room! Happy to see it here.
Overall, this chapter was good, it introduced what looks like our main character, and a conflict. Many first chapters just seem like filler, but it looks like we have some good action from the get-go, but I am nervous about the swordsmen elf main character. I love awesome main characters as much as the next fantasy fan, but in my limited experience, I find stories whose main characters start inhuman and awesome are hard to relate to and not as satisfying when as the story progresses our main character grows in strength. This is obviously my opinion, since there are many successful fantasy books built on super awesome inhuman characters, and I have not seen enough of the story to fully judge how unreliable our main character is, so I can't fully comment on this. But I would just say, be careful, most people don't read books to watch awesome people do awesome things, they come for a relatable character overcoming struggle and growing. But this main character definitely seems flawed, but morale. I'll be interested to see how you fully sell them as the main character, and I am more than prepared to love them.
My other biggest critique overall is that many of the sentences run on, and make the story hard to follow, I can't point out every instance, but I'll bring up a few.
But into specifics!

From what he had heard a lot of things changed after the rebellion twelve years ago, he for one couldn’t tell being he was so young when it happened.

They would always start from the palace then move down towards the edge of the city, remaining by the forest that surrounded the kingdom on the lookout for intruders for a while.

No fear or empty stomachs, homes, and families to come home too…a king worthy of respect, no one would have to live in fear.

“If only it were real…” He mumbled, his ears flattening against the side of his head as he looked up at the pale moon above, its silver rays only hiding the darkness that hung over the people that lived in the city.

Not wanting to chance his arm at being seen he quickly checked himself over, equipment and mask still in place he jumped down a tight gap between two houses, his black clothing proving well to hide him in the inky black.