Do you ever have that feeling where you think you are a bad person? You know you've done things that aren't so favorable but you only see those bad actions. You know you aren't a bad person but something still wracks in your brain telling you everything you have done wrong. No sense can come through. You know you do so many more and great good things that would certainly counter any naughty thing you did before but that feeling still haunts you, I am a bad person.
I can't shake those feelings. I know what I did to someone hurt them and I never got the chance to apologize. I'm scared she'll think of me as wicked, doomed to forever be that person I was two years ago. I can't control what people think of me. I can't control the past or the future.
c o n t r o l
Why? Why can't I mold things into the way I want them to be? I am scared of the unknown. Nothing I do can change anything. All I do will only fall out into misery.
Now this thing- this feeling- is looming over my shoulder whispering into my ear, "No matter what you do, you will not be good enough." Oh, great another thing to worry about. Stress envelops me and there is only a darkness surrounding me. I can't handle this. Am I a basket case?
When I was young- when we- were young nothing bothered us. Sure, little Suzy called us a name or Ron took our favourite pencil but we got over that in a day or two. Now with all this self-awareness things seem off. The world is a darker place. The things that scared us most on the news were forest fires and those endangered species. Now there are people out there that want to hurt us. No, they were always there, but we just chose to not acknowledge them. We used to only care what our hair looked like but not our bodies are something to be unhappy about. The only thing in our lives were staying up past 10 pm or begging our mom's to buy us that toy we really wanted. Now we stress about a paper that's due tomorrow and other people's opinions.
Just stop and take a step back. You're here. I'm here. We have both survived 100% of our hardest days. Isn't that amazing? Now we just need to keep doing that. If that means dropping a friend who isn't so friendly, or talking to a professional, or taking some time off for yourself, so be it. Better that than living in fear of all that stuff.