CHAPTER 2
Avalon reined in Baefire and took a minute to look at the sight that beheld her eyes. The midnight beams of the moon gleamed across the never-ending hills. It looked like a great big ocean wave that stretched through endless miles. Only about a league out, there was a noticeable darker shade, a stranger might pass it off as a trick of the eye, but she knew better.
“Home,” she whispered. The smell of her mother’s home baked cinnamon buns seemed to waft through the air. The thought of her father polishing his weapons came to mind. The weapons he never used besides for training his children to defend themselves. There were countless times that she would sit beside him, watching him methodically cleaning his blade.
A well-kept blade is the key to survival, he’d always say.
She drew in a long wary breath and took one last moment of rest before urging Baefire into a steady canter. Together they seemed to be one as they closed the gap between her and her home. The wind blew through her hair, causing it to trail behind her in a long tumbling wave of auburn hair. Suddenly, she thought of Keth and her green eyes began to grow dark as tears threatened to break free of the walls she surrounded herself with. What was she to do without her brother? They had been close companions for twenty-one years of her life and now that he has been taken away she felt as if there were an empty void that could never be filled.
As she rode in, she immediately sensed something was wrong. So did Baefire. He sidestepped and neighed, throwing his head in the air as he tried to bolt. She held him fast as she slid off of him. She tied the reins loosely around a tree and crept toward the house. He gave her one last high-pitched neigh as if in warning and then went quiet.
The air held a faint taste of smoke, as if a fire had been burning hours before. A shiver went down her spine at the deadly silence. A twig snapped somewhere ahead of her. She couldn’t quite place the exact direction that the sound had come from. She stopped, waiting for any sign of life. Nothing happened.
She was close now. No more than an arm’s reach from the door. She quietly pushed it open. The eerie stillness rang in her ears as she emerged into the room. She stiffened as the floorboards creaked underneath her. She reached for the weapon hidden away in her belt, something was very wrong.
Avalon rounded the next corner and stifled a cry of agony. There lying pale and unmistakably on the last stretch before passing through this world was her own mother. Rushing forward she threw herself down, tears flowing as she watched her mother’s jagged breath. A large gash ran down her stomach as if something had clawed at her. A puddle of blood surrounded her, her eyes tried to focus as she met Avalon’s eyes.
“Av-Avalon is that you?” she gasped, her eyes wandering and studying the face that appeared above her.
“It’s me,” she said. “What happened?”
“Thank the heavens, the-the wolf, it attacked the livestock. I tried to fight it off but then it turned on me. I ran to the house but I couldn’t keep it out and-and,” her sentence trailed off. Suddenly, a worried look crossed her face, “Did you find Keth?”
Avalon didn’t want to add to her worries but she knew that her mother wouldn’t be able to rest without hearing the truth. She tore her gaze away, “The king sent men. They took him.”
Her mother didn’t seem to be surprised to hear this news. Suddenly she clenched Avalon’s arm and gasped for air before returning to her slow, sharp breaths. A tear slid down her face as she grasped something from her neck and placed it in her daughter’s hand. “Avalonl, I’m fading. Quick take this and listen to me. You-you need to find your father. Take this too him. He’ll know what to do. Promise me you’ll do this as my last wish, the wish of your dying mother.”
“You’re not leaving me!” Avalon exclaimed. Even as she said this she knew she was wrong. “Where is father?”
“He went to the place where it all began. You’ll soon understand,” she said, her eyes no longer able to focus, “You must keep what I gave you safe and hid-hidden. Do not show any one but your father. Go to Nadar. Look for a man known to many as Rolt. He will help you get Keth back. Tell him that I’m sorry and I forgive him.”
“No! No, no, no, look into my eyes! Stay with me!” Avalon cried desperately trying to keep the blood from flowing.
“Promise me,” she said, more faint and absent. She raised her arm and gently touched her daughter’s face before her eyes closed and her breathing ceased.
Moments felt like hours as she sat there staring down at the woman who had brought her into the world, the woman who had loved and cared for her with undying love. She wished she could have had more time with her mother, but she knew that she had already waited and fought against death longer than most would have been able to. Whatever her mother gave her must have been very important. She looked at the object that lay in her hand.
A medallion the size of half her palm sat there, staring at her with its threatening black gaze. A creature with the head of an eagle and the body of a lion was engraved upon it. A griffin. The most fearsome creature of all Darankia, besides the dragon. As far as people are concerned, the dragon is a myth. No one has seen it for centuries. Or at least, no one has lived to tell the tale. She wondered what the medallion represented and why was it so important that only her father could see it?
A deep- throated growling interrupted her thoughts. She spun around, her tear stained face was struck with fear at the sight of the vicious wolf that stared at her through its livid eyes. Its teeth barred at her in a hostile manner. If it wasn’t so fixated on eating her for lunch she would admit that it was shockingly beautiful. When the moon shone on its coat, it mingled a silver glaze on its dark coat of fur.
It regarded her as a minor problem to its prey. Her mother. It must have decided to come back and finish her off. She picked up her weapon and held it in front of her. The wolf began to slowly advance on her, forcing her to back up. It didn’t take long before she felt her back press up against the wall. It had cornered her and she had nowhere to go.
She recalled all the training her father gave her and Keth. All the times that he would wake them up at dawn only to practice whipping sticks at each other or run laps in the forest as he triggered traps to strengthen their instinct. Truth was she hadn’t thought that she would need the training. Her life had been so practical before Keth became convinced to steal the cure. She had always thought that she would marry one of the neighboring farmers, settle down and raise a family of her own. That had been her dream. Her reality.
You didn’t go through all that training just to be killed by a wolf, Avalon reprimanded herself. Suddenly, a surge of anger and hatred toward her opponent triggered her adrenaline and she rushed at it. Not the brightest idea when facing a wild animal, she’ll admit, but she had acted on impulse. Her unexpected attack on the wolf startled it for a moment. Still, that one moment came to her advantage. She slashed at it but it recovered from its shock and leaped out of the way with impossible agility. She thought it had escaped unscathed but then she noticed that her sword was dripping with blood. Not the finishing blow like she hoped. Large enough to cause blood but small enough to only infuriate it even more. It took a minute to assess the wound before turning its flashing eyes on her once again.
It growled and pounced. She collected her thoughts and waited until the last second before raising her sword. Realization dawned on the wolf but it was too late. He landed on her, the sword impaling him on the way down. It whimpered before the light faded from its eyes.
She laid there, too wary to get up. She hadn’t escaped without any injuries. Blood dripped down the side of her arm, mixing in with the light drizzle of rain that began to fall. There were many small scratches but the only serious wound that would need tending to ran from the top of her arm to the end of her elbow. Thankfully, it wasn’t deep.
Avalon solemnly dug a grave and buried her mother. Once this was done she sat there, staring off into the distance. She was left to the wrath of a grieving mind. Sighing, she returned to the house and began to pack provisions. She suspected that she would have a long journey ahead of her. She wondered who the man named Rolt was and why her mother apologized and forgave him. It seemed odd to her, never did she imagine her mother having friends beyond Javen, especially the three day ride it was too Nadar.
What worried her was her father’s sudden trip. Only the morning before last, he had been at home. There had been no speaking of him leaving. He rarely left Javen unless he had business in Nadar, but even then he brought Keth along with him.
Avalon sighed. A good night’s rest didn’t sound too horrible at the moment but she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. Not after what happened. If only she hadn’t snuck away to find her brother, she could have been there for her mother! She could have protected her mother. Defended her. Alas, there wasn’t anything she could do. What was done was done and nothing could change that.
A low neigh reminded her that Baefire was still tied to the tree and waiting. Approaching the horse, she raised an eyebrow at him. He had known the wolf was near-by. He had been warning her and she didn’t listen.
“Remind me to listen to you next time,” she whispered, forcing her voice to remain calm. She wrapped her arms around the stallion with new respect. He sat there, seeming to tolerate the attention he was getting. Angry, confused, and anguished she hugged him, pouring all of her emotions into that hug. Truth was, her mother’s death and her brother’s capture had weighed heavily on her. She needed someone to comfort her.
She decided she would find this Rolt fellow and go from there. If she went on a wild goose chase after her father then it would be too late for Keth. Besides, she hadn’t the slightest idea what her mother meant by ‘he went to a place where it all began’.
Author's note: Some of you may have noticed that I changed her and her brother's name...again. This is now the official names to those two characters. I finally took the time to decide on it. Also, if you find the fight with the wold unrealistic please let me know. I always have a hard time writing fighting scenes. One more question...do you find it is moving to fast?Thank you for reading!
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Hello, steampowered here for a review!
First of all, I was a little surprised when I found there had been another name change, but I love these new names. Avalon makes me think of the Celtic paradise in the legends of King Arthur (I’m assuming that was intentional) and it’s really mystical. I like it!
This was really good, and so well-written. I think the other reviewers have probably picked up on most of the major points already, but I’ll try my best:
I’m not sure about this bit. Is she trying to keep her mind away from what happened to Keth? Otherwise it feels a bit cold-hearted that she’s not really been thinking of Keth up till now (or at least, that’s what this sentence indicates)
Shouldn’t that be, now that he HAD been taken away?
“Her sentence trailed off” isn’t really a tag, so you should really have an ellipsis (…) in place of a comma at the end of the speech. Also, “Suddenly, a worried look crossed her face” is not a tag either, so there should be a period at the end of this sentence (as it’s not technically attached to the speech)
Is this “l” at the end of Avalon intentional?
This should be, Take this TO him. Also, how long ago did the wolf attack? It’s kind of convenient that Avalon arrives just in time to hear her mother’s final words…
This sentence is a bit fragmented – I’d consider revising it to make it make more sense. Also, it should be “bared” rather than “barred”.
This is a tad ambiguous – Avalon’s mother didn’t come back to finish Avalon off, and Avalon’s mother wasn’t holding the weapon either. This needs to be crystal clear in your writing. Maybe you could have something like:
It must have decided to come back and finish her mother off. Avalon picked up her weapon and held it in front of her.
Did someone convince him? This is what it sounds like… If Keth made the choice of his own accord, why not have something like, “before Keth decided to steal the cure”?
She’d admit, not she’ll admit.
This could probably be simplified by saying, “She hadn’t escaped uninjured”.
Why don’t you show us this scene? Make it more emotional. At the moment this feels a bit devoid of emotion. You skip over the actual grave-digging – the trauma, the physical exertion, the psychological difficulty of finally laying her mother to rest and perhaps the symbolism of how she is burying her old life – have all been missed. There’s so much you can do with this, so why not milk the moment for all it’s worth?
Nearby, not near-by.
Of course it’s weighed heavily on her! If it hadn’t, I’d be seriously concerned for her humanity. You don’t really need this bit – the reader can guess what Avalon is feeling.
This was really good, and I’m looking forward to reading the next part. To answer your question, I don’t think it’s moving too fast – this is a really good pace. Keep writing!
Hey, Fire. It took me a while, but I'm back to review this chapter! Let's begin, shall we?
Oh man. I feel so bad for Avalon. She just witnessed men treat her brother as if he was worth nothing, and now she has to deal with this: her mother's death. Keth is going to go loony if he finds out, I bet. I wonder if Avalon is going to be part of the Fallen. Would she end up as back up or something? Or would she fight with them but not be officially part of their group? I don't know, but I do want to find out.
To answer one of your questions on the bottom, no, I don't think it's moving too fast. I think the pace you're at is just right, so don't worry about it. As for the other question, I'm going to agree with Holofernes: I know what happened, but I don't feel that it's all that emotionally charged. He spoke on the topic of telling than showing, so I'm not going to talk about that anymore, but just so you know, that is my issue as well with this part.
Now, on to my nitpicks. There's quite a bit I want to show you, but I hope you'll take the time to take them into consideration.
Personally, I think this would be better if you separate into two sentences instead of condensing it into one. If you want to maintain how it is now, then I suggest that you swap out the comma between "shade" and "stranger" with a semicolon.
I added the comma because of the length. Reading it how it is now, it seems like I'd run out of breath in this part.
This should be separated in two lines as well. I feel as if there'd be more impact if "something was very wrong" was another sentence.
I don't think you need to say "own" because previously, you said "her", so you're repeating things when it isn't really necessary to.
Add a comma between "forward" and "she".
Whoops! There are some typos in this part, but nothing too big. I also added some commas at where I feel those are needed.
Here's another typo I spotted. It's supposed to be "to" rather than "too".
That's about it, I guess.
Overall, I liked this chapter, but I suggest that you proofread through it again. Good luck and keep writing! Please tell me when you post the next part.
Cheers,
EscaSkye
Hi! Thank you for the review. I will definitely fix up those sentences. I wish to thank you again on the nitpicks. They can come in handy haha. Even if there a pain xD. My next part should be coming up soon. I will let you know when I post it.
Thanks for the tips,
FireBird99
Haha, thank you. Good to know the review came in handy!
Your welcome. Also, all those questions you were asking. ....I'm not sure what's going to happen myself haha xD
hi again
In answer to your second question, I don't think this is moving too fast. On the contrary, I almost wish something more had happened in this chapter. Not that nothing went on, and I realize continuing it would have made it too long. Hm. It's not important. I guess that means I enjoy the story, haha.
The answer to your first request can be extended to my main issue with this chapter. I didn't find the fight scene unrealistic, but there was a lack of emotional charge, much like in the first chapter.
I think you're telling me this, as opposed to showing. Showing emotions can be tricky, but it's not impossible. The main thing that betrays feelings is actions. Whenever I'm not satisfied with a particularly wordy bit of my chapter, I ask myself 'is my character not doing enough things?'. The character is the POV, after all, not the author (in those cases, as in this). Let's take the above paragraph as an example. I think if Ava had just said that line to the horse and hugged him, I would have gotten the same read on her emotions as when you told me. The difference is it would appear more natural.
Someone once told me that, despite the fact adverbs are used to describe a verb, they don't do much describing at all. 'Desperately' is generic. Each has their own interpretation of that word. But this isn't poetry, I want to know how Ava reacted, specifically. Like poetry, though, figures of speech are your best friend here. Similes, metaphors and all descriptive language galore. Particularly in such a personal moment as the death of a loved one, every action and thought should be Ava, and shouldn't be applicable for anyone but her.
I recommend, thus, you abolish adverbs and always seek to describe in the most efficient way possible. It's another thing that contributes to the vividness of a piece.
In a life-or-death situation, I doubt 'this is stupid but I'm acting on impulse' would actually cross anybody's mind. Attacking a wolf is stupid and impulsive, don't get me wrong, but I think Ava's already accepted that by the time she's charging. This little pause also slows down the fight considerably, which is never something to strive for when narrating combat. The trick to a fight is to keep sentences short and concise. While fighting, I'm thinking 'okay, so I'm going to do this, then we'll see what the opponent does, and I'll do that based on that' and then we're sword length from each other and there's no time to think. But a competent fighter, like a competent chess-player, doesn't think at all. That, though, isn't fun for narration. Keep in mind there's not much time, psychologically or physically, and your fight scenes will improve drastically.
While I'm talking about the wolf fight, I'd like to mention something. Wolves are heavy. If a wolf jumps on you, and you extend your blade at it, sure, it might die, but you're not off the hook. Unless you're Chuck Norris, or really lucky, your attack isn't going to kill it outright. Especially if you pierce its chest. It'll have a good few seconds to scratch you really good. The weight might even snap your arm, depending on how it's positioned. Ava's scratches would be a lot more than flesh wounds. If this is a problem, you should probably end the fight differently. Maybe she rolls and the wolf crashes into something, then she stabs it.
I have only one nit-pick in this chapter.
there should really be a comma after Avalon. In the same way that, in combat, sentences should be short, and so lack commas, a dying woman is going to have difficulty, oh, breathing, and so speak slowly. Commas are very good at suggesting this. Whenever you're writing a fast-paced or slow-paced scene, take another page out of the poetry book. Read it out loud. If it seems too wordy, or not wordy enough, correct this. Good ways of making something less wordy are cutting commas, keeping sentence structure to subject-verb-object, and avoiding polysyllabic words. Good ways of making something more wordy/slower are just the opposite: lots of commas, hypotactic sentence structure, and words that are a mouthful to say.
This chapter isn't bad. It's a solid chapter, really. What I think is your most recurring mistake is the tendency to tell as opposed to show, or rely on expressions that don't convey the character's emotions very well. This is easy to correct. Just remind yourself 'what would Ava do/say/think?' all the time.
Hope this helped
-Ita
Thank you for your review. It did help, a lot. I understand what you are telling me. I have been told this before, many times in fact, but I have a hard time with the showing not telling. I have been trying to improve it and I think you might have helped out with that. As for the shortness of the chapter, its only part one of Chapter 2. Don't worry xD. I just didn't want my readers thinking it was way to long to review haha. More will be put up soon. Thanks for taking the time to read and critique my novel =)
fair enough fair enough~
I will point it out every time, until it clicks.
the pleasure of reading is mine.
Awesome. That is exactly what I need!
Aww thanks =)