Ok so this is a song I'm working on. I'm new to this sort of thing, so please give me any feedback you have. Thanks :)
Eighteen years ago, God sent me to your arms.
He trusted you to keep me safe,
He trusted you'd love me every day.
He knew the world was a hard place
So He trusted you to be my mom.
I remember the summers, the long hard afternoons.
Being left at home alone all day.
No food to eat, no love or play.
I'd cry to you, and hear you say.
I love you, we'll be together soon.
(Chorus)
All of the time I've cried,
all of the days passed by,
every time I say I just can't take anymore.
Through every broken heart,
when I just can't see the light through the dark,
You were with me.
You've been there through it all.
In just a few months now, I'll be serving God above.
I can't lie, I'm scared to go,
But thanks to your teaching, I know.
I'll come home soon, and I'll have grown.
And I'll have made it with your love.
(Chorus)
All of the times I've cried,
all of the days passed by,
every time I say I just can't take anymore.
Through every broken heart,
when I just can't see the light through the dark,
you were with me.
You've been there through it all.
(Bridge)
Now Mom, I know you've got regrets.
Life is hard, we'll never forget.
But please, remember this.
You have raised me well.
I'm stronger than any Hell.
I know how to love.
I know where I'm from.
My will is strong,
and I can carry on.
Because you are my mom.
(Chorus)
So Every time I cry,
Every day that goes by
I wont say, I can't take it anymore.
'Cause through every broken heart
I've seen the light through dark.
You are with me.
You've been here through it all.
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okay I have tried to write songs when I was much younger, and being this is a song for your mother...who am I kidding, I can't review this! XD I mean, I can, but it's so hard!
As long as it's heartfelt (which it clearly is) and from your own lips, I see no flaw. Even if this wasn't the case, your writing is still good-- don't worry!
I would love to hear a recording of this sometime when it's finished! I'm curious to see what it would be like to review more songs/lyrics here on YWS. I'm more of a poet/novelist myself.
Yeah I can't have much else to say...
Songs are easier because they can be so much looser and modern than poetry or a sonnet or something. I think you're don' great.
Thanks for bringing your talent to YWS!
keep writing
So... I don't write songs, but I do pretend I know how to poet ^^ That said, however! Do you have any kind of melody that goes with this that we can hear? I only ask because there's parts where I'm not sure of your phrasing, and if it has to do more with a melodic line than any intrinsic meter in the words themselves.
Other than that, I think your chorus reads strong - only thing I would look at is the last two lines, "You are with me./You've been here through it all." I think it would benefit form a bit more parallel structure, something like "You are with me./You've been with me through it all." What do you think? Somewhat along those lines, I think you could do a bit more work with pronouns rather than specifying "mom" in a few places, simply because it reads as awkward to me, like a jolt that is really misplaced, rather than purposeful. Actually, play with this a bit, but what about leaving the only overt "mom" reference in the third to last stanza (marked bridge), first line. In the second to last, I'd take out the last line, if possible (depending upon music, again). In the very first, the last line maybe something like "He trusted me to you"?
There are a couple places where I think you can work out stronger images/phrasing - the fist stanza, the idea of the world being a "hard place," is somewhat trite, and much better explored in the second stanza. Go for more like that, rather than simply making a statement! It ends up much more powerful, and any time you can show instead of tell is good.
Happy editing, and if you have any questions, let me know!
Mesh
Thank you!!!
I don't have a melody that goes along with it yet, but I am working on that.
Hey there, FiguringOutLife! Writer here to review your songgg.
I play guitar to all of my songs (two which are posted on here), so that's why I'm curious.
I love writing songs, so hopefully I will be of some assistance here. I really like this, and I'm curious as to what the melody is. Can you play any instrument to it? It would be interesting to hear what it sounds like
Anyway, on to the critique!
I know, I know, it's a song, it's just a number...But I'd prefer you write out the number '18' because rules of grammar say so
pfft, I am not a Grammar Nazi, no way.However, I really like this opening line. It's beautiful and calm <3
eh, I'm not 100% sure I like the fact you didn't rhyme 'mom' with anything. I would look at that again, and be careful with forced rhyming. So far you don't have that, but it's a little iffy right now. And, I mean, gray and day have been rhymed before many many times xD Perhaps rewords it so it's more descriptive? I dunno, it's up to you. I love the content, I just think the word choice could use some work here.
Again, I love the content, but I think the rhythm is a bit choppy here. After all, the first line is longer than the others, and the that last line doesn't rhyme again. If anything, you would have the last line of the first stanza rhyme with the last line of the second stanza, because something should rhyme there xD Also, "day" "play" and "say" are all simple rhymes. Spice it up! I know you might need to reword your stanzas, but honestly, I think this is too simple. So may argue that simple isn't bad, which I agree with. But really, I would spice up this word choice and make it more personal
Ooh, now on to the chorus!
Again, the rhythm here was off and I had a hard time creating a melody for the chorus.
I think it could be better like this, but this is only a suggestion
"All of the time I've cried
With each passing day that's gone by...
And every time I just can't take it anymore..." Remember, enjambment helps with rhythm and flow, and is always wonderful in songs ^.^ So consider adding some of that in the song.
here, I know you're trying to copy "just can't" from a previous line to keep consistency, but it breaks the flow a lot. If you want to keep rhythm and "just can't" think about taking out "through the dark." Yeah, it gets vaguer, but still holds the same meaning, right?
Hmm, for the first line, "above" is definitely unnecessary. First off, it makes me think the singer is going to die. If true, then by all means, keep it! I don't want to take away the meaning of it o_o It's like a double meaning: either the speaker is going to pass away and go to Heaven, or they're going to be a priest or a nun. I totally don't want to misinterpret this. But you should at least have "above" rhyme with something.
"I can't lie; I'm scared to go" is shorter than the other lines, so beef it up to keep it consistent. Too many "I'll"s by the way. That much repetition is dull and kind of beats down the word. So, work on variety here
So that's enough of me being picky
and hopefully not rude?. I really love thisI really love some of your word choice, but others I dislike a lot. Some of it is too vague and overused, like "day and gray" which I actually saw in another poem on here xD But I think your content is just lovely <3 I now feel the need to write a song for my mother xD I hope you continue working on this, and if you have any questions, please let me know! I'll be happy to help you
I don't write two songs every week for nothing...really does make me a better songwriter lol~Writer
Thank you soooooo much for your review. It REALLY helps!! I'm used to really only writing novels, so songs and poetry is new to me
Right now, I'm planning on putting this to piano. I've got the help of my friend who is a musical genius!
Your review wasn't rude at all, but very very helpful. I'm writing this for my mom before I leave on an eighteen (I spelled it out;) ) month mission for my church. I won't be able to talk to or see her for that year and a half. I can email and send letters, but that's it.
I'm definitely going to continue working on this
I'm glad I could help! Ooh piano! I'm sure it sounds pretty on the piano <3
wow eighteen month mission trip? Tell me how it goes! are you going to Guatemala or one of those places? My priest and some volunteers go there every year on a mission trip. Sounds very interesting.
I'd love to see a newer version of the song once it's written! ^.^
I don't know where I'm going yet! I find out next month.
I actually wrote an entirely new one with some references to this one. I plan on posting it on here for more reviews, so I'll let you know when I do
It's worth reading