Baby, don't you see, you're giving me this pain
When you look at me with your baby blues
It's like you're shooting my heart, with the speed of a train
Why is it me who has got to lose?
Babe, Im crazy for you,
And everytime you wrap your perfect arms around her perfect waist,
My silly throat gets a little wedge,
I think this love is true,
And i look at your fingers and hers, so perfectly laced,
If only i didnt move over the hedge,
And this ridiculous jealousy pain,
Its just a phase,
Its just a stupid stupid game,
Ill write this poem, just in case.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well done on this poem. It was overall a good, solid piece of writing. However, I think it was much too short, and - as someone else before me touched upon - the ending was too forced. Your spelling was good for the most part and you chose a good topic to talk about. Although, I didn't think the title fit the story at all. Sorry about that.
Hi there! I'm crissy! Great job on your poem. I didn't think it was too short but I do have a few suggestions...
First off, watch your apostrophes. On many words you used like "i'll and it's" you forgot the apostrophes. It may not seem important but even the slightest grammatical error can decrease the popularity of your poem.
Second, watch your tenses. On one line you would use past tense and then the next you'd use present and that can get very confusing. Always try to keep it to one tense unless you have a legitimate and understandable reason not to. Other than that, good job! Keep writing!
Hey!
So, I can find no spelling or grammatical mistakes. Great job in that category!
This is very realistic and this is what I love. Although, it does not apply to me, directly, but I have had crushes and things like that.
Anyway, the only thing I can say is that maybe you should split it up into stanzas...
P.s. the last thing I just said I also need a little help with so........we're in the same boat. It's sometimes really hard to!
Well, all in all, this is a great piece! Although, the ending seems a little bit too forced.
Great job, though!!,
~Tiff
This is a quite a nice poem. It strongly says what you feel and what you want to happen but it shows the realistic side too. I think probably everyone have felt this way and been through this kinda thing and some has happy endings but others hurt like hell.
I only have few pointers: You need to learn difference from its and it's because they don't mean the same thing. In your poem they needed to be as it's -"It's just a phase,". I think in general you need to learn how to use apostrophes, because there are many words you had to use them.
But all together this was a grate poem, it was real and understandable.
So i hope you will wright more and i hope everything goes well for you.
FerrumCorde
I actually really like this. It has been used many, many times and that is just fine. I've liked every one I've read so far including yours.
When it said:
"And I look at your fingers, so perfectly laced"
I like the wording you did there. Not quite sure what about it I like but I just do. It will always be a mystery lol.
The one thing I wasn't to sure about was the ending. It didn't feel that complete to me. I would make it more . . . shocking or unexpected next time.
Your spelling and punctuation was very well done. I didn't see any errors in that category.
Overall great job, keep up the good work!