I know it`s kinda unfinished (this part) but i`ll try to edit it as i write more. Ty for reviews.
“How happy you are, wretched mortal…”
Hands were holding him down to the ground as he was struggling from his pain. He let out a scream that filled the skies. He blindly balled his hands into fists and starting flailing, and hit flesh and blood. The hand on his shoulders lost it's grip.
- ILITH L`AS!( L`as is his name) IF YOU DON’T STOP I’M GONNA KILL YOU WITH MY OWN HANDS! Someone yelled and everyone stopped under that scream.
Ilith opened his eyes and saw Ashea holding her hand over her bleeding nose. Around him Zyraen and Elevard were holding him, trying to get the pieces of the sword out of his body.
- I saw “Furball”… he mourned and smiled.
Ashea stopped and left her hand fall to her side. She stood there watching his childish smile with tears in her eyes and sketched a smile. Her smile was like a mother`s who was watching her child play in the garden, chasing butterflies.
He let his head fall numb and collapsed unconscious on the ground, leaving himself into the hands of his friends.
***
Ilith rubbed his face, feeling the soft pillow under his head. He felt his chest, his waist, and his hands wrapped in bandages. He could feel every wound`s pain waiting for movement. His left hand touched his right shoulder and then went up on his neck. The part of flesh that the demon bit off was back at it`s place, his neck was healed. No gapping notch, no blood… no pain.
- Welcome back to the living ones, my brother! Someone said, almost unheard.
Ashea was standing in a corner of the room watching upon him. She still had the armor on her. The chest piece and the gloves where red because of blood, most of the blood being his. She had black circles around her eyes and her hair was tangled and dried with blood and mud.
Ilith rose into his feet ignoring the sharp pain from his chest and walked towards her. He gently started to undo the leather knots of the armor until Ashea was left only with the black war tunic on her and the protective pants. Then he saw the hidden scar on her neck and his finger crossed over it making sure it was still there. She took his hand in hers stopping his movement. (It was something between them untill they found out that they are brothers)
- You`re quite bold for a thief…
Ilith laughed and turned to sit on the edge of the bed feeling for a moment dizzy.
- I`m sorry for your nose.
- Don’t worry. I`m getting used to being hit for no apparent reason when I’m less expecting it.
They watched each other amused, and burst out into laughter.
- I will leave… stopped Ilith remembering what Nayn said.
His voice was soft but underneath it Ashea could guess his tension. She stood there silently thinking, about what she could say.
- I will follow you.
- No … he made a break where he smiled friendly … I don’t want to kill you by mistake.
She made steps towards the door .
- You`ve become the only thing that you feared. A demon. Take care, my brother… she said as she was leaving the room.
Ilith closed his eyes, exhausted and a word came into the darkness of his mind.
“Death…”
- Take care, my dear sister.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Nicely done I really like how he reacts when he comes back from the dead, many of the books I've read where that happens the guy just wakes up and acts like. "Oh look I'm back from the dead, big deal. Moving on now." It always drives me crazy there should be a better reaction to it.
I like this part of the book, but I'm confused about how he became a demon. You mentioned in an earlier post that the sword changed him. How? I mean I get that it's probably a magical blade, but is it sentient, or what. And why would it change him for that specific fight.
All in all keep it up. You've really cleaned up the flow of the story. PM if you post anything more.
Wow. Sorry this took so long, but life's been hectic!
Okay. I really liked this chapter, and it didn't seem to incomplete to me.
Everyone has already pointed out the grammatical stuff, so I won't repeat.
I don't know why, but I like this sentence. In a previous chapter "Fur ball" was one word. I'm not sure which it should be because it's a nickname, but you need to make sure that you either make it one word or two, not both.
I love the word "sketched" here. I've never seen it used like that, but I like it.
comma after "said"
I think "about" might be better. I'm not sure. "for" might work too. Well, you would say, "I'm sorry for hurting you," not "I'm sorry about hurting you," so maybe you were right.
first of all, very funny!
It should be "silently" and there should be a comma before thinking, and "at" should be "about"
This is so sweet! I'm not sure that there's an adverb form of "friendly." If there is, it would just sound weird. I would say "amiably" instead of "friendly"
There should be a comma after "eyes"
I love the ending!
Very good chapter. I really enjoyed it!
-Sea-
Not at all.
YUP.
Now I understand.... great.
would it bother you If I would ask the people here to give my stories/poems/lyrics some crits because I have been a bit short of crits lately?
Lord Anzius. Probably its because i`m romanian and i don't follow the same rules in the writing of a story. ... I can't explain... I hope you get the point.
That cleared a lot.
Lord Anzius
what do ya mean m8?
1.) Who is Nayn ? - His brother, Ashea is his sister.
2.) Who stabbed him? - Death of the hero (part one)- Anyway my bad i didn't post the actuall battle.
3.) Why did he hit Ashea? - He came back from the dead. He was scared, he was in pain. He didn't know what was happening to him.
4.) Who said the mortal thing at the beggining? - This is the end of the book remember! To tell you about what`s the role of the "voice" in the story: The voice (the woman`s voice that who was familiar to him Death of a hero 2)is the voice of his mother. After he finds the sword and gets the marked he starts seeing ghosts... The first ghost that he sees remains with him and sometimes helps him.
5.) He is a thief? - Yes. In the first chapter (not posted yet) i wrote that he is found by a high-thief and trained as so.
6.) When did he become a demon? - In the process of killing Elesr (the badass demon) the sword changed his appearence, his mind...He became colder, more heartless like a soldier.
Hope this clears it.
If they are sister and brother.. who is Nayn? is he/she his brother/sister as well?
great as ussual.
who stabbed him??? Why did he hit/kick Ashea? Was he in shock? And who said that mortal thing in the beginning?
He is a thief?
WHEN did he become a demon?
too many questions... AARGH
the story itself is awesome (as always) the problem is (not the grammar) but something I just can't name in the way you write the story.
Oh see, that makes sense. I get it now... lalalala okay thanks for clearing that up, I was a bit confused about it too. *lightbulb clicks on*
To explain the part when Ilith start to undress Ashea. Its actually a part that reminds the reader that at some point in the book they were in love with each other and symbolises the remaining love.
"Fur ball" -funny... I cant wait to get into the big story and to know why Nayn`s nickname is Fur Ball
The part where Ilith starts undressing Ashea gived me chills on my back... I though .. you know... Forgive me for thinking at stupid things but thats the idea that it gaved me. No mistake! I dont say that its bad.
This story is becoming more and more interesting. Good work.
Good start.
It should be "struggled from his pain"
'fists'
There should a comma after 'holding him'
It should be "let her hand fall to her side."
It should be "Her smile was like" and it should be "mother who" and the last one can't be 'his', can it? It should be 'her'
It should be 'He let' and there should be comma after 'ground'
It should be 'feeling the soft pillow'
Good description
'feeling'
This was funny.
Well, I'll say to fix your mistakes.
And good luck.
Cheers a lot for the review... and i`ll get my mind going to translate chapters and post them.
Nice way to start it out...
Okay you could rephrase this to make it smoother: Hands were holding him down to the ground as he was struggling from pain. He let outa scream that filled the skies. He blindly balled his hands into fist and starting flailing, and hit flesh and blood. The hand of nis shoulders lost it's grip.
What's L'as mean? Or is it a typo? Okay you could rephrase the last sentance like so: Someone screamed and everyone stopped.
Nothing wrong here...
For some reason I am attached to this sentance, very good.
Very good...
interesting...NEXT!
***
Okay major no-no. You used present and past tense here. *cringe* I had the same problem too...
Ilith rubbed his face, felling the soft pillow under his head. He felt his chest, his waist, and his hands wrapped in bandages. He could feel every wound`s pain waiting for movement. His left hand touched his right shoulder and then went up on his neck. The part of flesh that the demon bit off was back at it`s place, his neck was healed. No gapping notch, no blood… no pain.
good...
Very descriptive...nice
Okay I think the last sentance should be reworded...its a bit difficult. Is there something between these two?...
Nothing wrong here...
Rephase this to make it smoother: They watched each other amused, and burst out into laughter.
Who's Nayn? (interesting name by the way)
Wouldn't you change her to him?
I love the ending, overall I liked your story, very descriptive, and you don't take it too fast. Just PM me when you get the next part out...I'll be happy to critique, or help you with anything else. Good Luck.