“Breathe!”
He awoke, but didn’t open his eyes, not daring to leave the pleasant numbness that was left in his body by the not-yet-finished sleep. He stretched out, perplexed and yawned pleased. He lay on the cold floor asking himself foolish questions for hours.
“Who am I? Why can’t I remember? “ He racked his brains trying to find any memory of himself, but it was useless. He saw only darkness… He felt empty.
He lifted himself from the floor and gazed upon the room. A mirror stood in front of him and a man was watching back at him, blinking, moving with him in the same way at the same time. He smiled at his handsome face and touched the delicate surface of the mirror, softly following the shape of his face.
Someone started to sing a strange song that rose more and more, overcoming the silence of the room. That woman`s voice, soft but still strong, comforting but still threatening , was so familiar to him. Another question to add to his list. He turned again watching the mirror. He was so mystified by his appearance. He took a step and gazed into his black?... grey eyes.
“I`m not that bad anyway” he laughed.
“Not bad at all, Ilith!” a harsh voice echoed trough the room.
He stepped back and saw another figure in the mirror. His hand reached to take “something” from his waist but only grasped air. He clenched his fits, waiting, watching at the young man that stood tall, gazing at him amusingly.
“Calm down! Will ya?” said the lad standing close to the wall.
“Who are you?”
“ Stop playing with me, Ilith! I`m your brother, Nayn, you moron!”
Ilith let his arms fall to his sides. He searched hopelessly into his mind and his memories came back. But not one after another… Noooo… All at once like a herd of mad sheeps leaving Ilith a little confused. He ignored the small dizziness and smiled back at Nayn.
“ I thought I'd never see you again, Fur ball!” he giggled.
“ No time for jokes. You messed up big time. Braethar lost his mind when he found out that you died.”
“Why?”
“The mark that you have on your hand is the mark of the sword. You never asked yourself what “Avargorn” means? Means “Death”. So if you die … You are dead… anyway if you die every single human being on earth will die.”
“ So the demon fouled me?”
“ Yes. I need to send you back… I`m sorry , my brother!”
Something dashed Ilith to the ground and screamed when an agonizing pain cut trough his head like a heated blade.
***
This will continue!!!
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
So the hero revives, nicely done. I like the setting for this part of the book, let me guess it's of between this life and the next. I don't really get the demon reference but this is just the start of the book, so plot questions are expected.
Why is Ilith the hero? Who's the Demon? Why was he marked? I suggest you make references to some of the stuff that's already happened when his memory comes back. This story has a lot of potential but you need to work on the overall flow, it's better then the first part, the sentences aren't as stilted and they fit together more. But you should still work on the flow, it's one of the key elements that makes a story believable.
All in all, I think that this could make a pretty interesting story, it just needs some work. PM me once you post the next part.
You had better post all the chapters! You cant do that to us!!!
Wow! It left me with my mouth open(something I don't do very often)
If you get it published, I will definately buy it!!!
Anyway, just a few comments.
It should probably be, "He awoke, but didn't open his eyes, not daring to leave the pleasant numbness that was left in his body..."
This sentence contradicts itself. "Stood" means to stand up, but "lying" means to lie down. I would cut the "stood" and say "He lay on the cold floor, asking himself foolish questions for hours."
This sentence sort of confused me. Is the man watching him his reflection? Oh, yeah. I guess it is. Nevermind. In the first sentence, I would cut on of the "him"s. I might say, "A mirror stood in front of Ilith and a man was watching back at him, blinking, moving with..." I'm not really sure.
There should be a comma between "mirror" and "softly."
"He was so mystified by his appearance. He took a step and gazed into his black?...grey eyes."
Why is "something" in quotations. I don't think you need them. Because there are two boys in this particular scene, you need to tell us who is doing what. Replace a few of the "he"s with names.
It should be "He clenched his fists, waiting, watching [b]the young man that stood..."
"hopelessly"
I don't get this sentence.
"...I'd never..."
"You never asked...."
OOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!! Scary!!!
I can't wait to read the third part and your prologue.
-Sea-
Yes still writing at it. And no i will not marry you... i`m still 17
and i dont even know you.. so badluck
Now seriosly... 400 pages? and still writing at it? You wanna marry me? ... Post the darn chapters faster. I don't want to die in a sea of drools.
Well Kaylyn atm its around 400 pages (writen in Word).
And i don't think i`ll be able to post it all on the forum cause as i said before i`m not the best english speaker.
I hope you`ll finish yours and publish it at a point.
Oh so you've already finished this book...
*Mumbles* I'll finish mine one day...
So envious, how long is it going to be? Are you going to post it all? Yeah, I know I'm gull of questions, I just really like it...
Yes i`ve finished the book and now i`ll just rewrite it to improve it and so. The following year maybe...
And the trap question... You got me there... hmm... A strange voice that tells him to wake up. I don't know..maybe Nayn. ... It suppose to be there just to "add a question to your list" -.-`
Again that feeling that you know what are you doing and you have the whole book already formed in your mind. You`ve finished the book? If yes when will it come out?
"Breathe!" who says that? trap question
Actually Nayn "killed" him by giving his live back and sending his soul (did i mention that they were just souls talking in the room) back to earth. It was rather like being unconscious and out of his body.
Oooh, the second chapter. **rubs hands togethor** Right, let me see,
There should be a comma after 'eyes' and this should be 'not-yet-finished sleep'
What do you mean by 'pleased'?
There should be a comma after 'stood there'
'That rised' and there should be a comma after 'more'
'soft but still strong'
Cut the 'have'
I have a question. Did Nayn kill Ilith? For the second time? Well, I quite lost the feeling of 'the lord of the rings' because your story went in a different way. I love it.
Good luck.
Okay I get it know thanks for clearing that up for me. Ohhhh....I get it now
*lightbulb clicks on*
You have to excuse me. Sometimes I am forgetting what I read, and have a hard time remembering them. You're a really talented writer and I hope to see more of the story. PM me when you get more up. I really like this book. Anyways Good luck with your writing!
Avargorn is the name of the sword . The sword gave him a mark... Ilith ends up in a strange room being ... dead... but his brother resurrects him by sending him back alive.
Okay, yeah I know I've critiqued it already. I found something else. Well I really didn't understand this part.
Okay I don't understand this exchage... Left me with a lot of questions.
so his brother killed him a second time?
Please continue with this book. I really like it.
Okay, okay it isn't that bad. It isn't like Eragon.(I love Eragon by the way.)
*glares at Lord Anzius*
There's no connection to me...
Anyways I really really like it and I hope to see more of it!! If you need any help, critiques, advise you name it, just PM me. Let me know when you come out with the next installment.
Ok ok. Calm youself!
i`m gonna go buy it tomorrow ... probably this week. Cheers for your replies m8
NEVER READ ERAGON!!! AAAGH
Read it... NOW!
When the next one is out, you can just pm me again and I'll give some crits... OK?
Actually i never read Eragon... i didn't knew about the mark similarity... i`ll post more and you will catch up that the actuall story is nor LOTR nor Eragon.
WOW! Cool
some mistakes still, I'll just list them down:
you should change the "him" into "himself."
Woman's voice!!
space between words and comas.
Lost his mind, not minds.
Last time I got a LOTRI feeling about the story... this time I got a Eragon feeling... Hmm. Mark on hand, mark has meaning... Hmm.
Well anywayz a very good piece