I`m sorry this took me so long. I had trouble at translating and I know this chapter is not my best. Tell me about the gramm, but i`ll appreciate if you would look at the flow of the story. Cheers! 
Chapter 1 - Bleeding heart
“No! She is just a child and above all she is a girl!”
“ You know she is more than prepared to join the Elites!” the boy whistled full of anger. His fist was closed and ready to strike. The only obstacle between him and the captain was just a humble wooden table.
“ She is as agile as a merton, strong as a human and she is more stubborn than me.” the voice of the boy tried to confront the voice of the captain.
“….”
***
From in the middle of the room she could hear the conversation moving behind the door. Only the sounds of the storm covered the loud and strong voices. The little girl turned her sight at the window and followed the rain drops on the frozen glass. She didn’t love the darkness nor the rain, but in this night she was captivated by the chaotic dance of the drops. That day had a strange unusual beauty even though she knew that something bad was going to happen to her.
She winced as heavy steps started to get closer to the door. She turned and jumped quickly underneath the bed and covered herself with a blanket.
“Ashea?” a voiced shattered the darkness with the force of an arrow.
She loved to hide, proof to her brother that she was fit for the job of an assassin. At the age of 5th she could fight with a dagger and now, when she was almost 7 she was about to join the Elite Order of the king. Her heart started to beat faster and faster as the steps stopped near the place that she was stealthing.
“ Didn’t I told you to keep your pulse low when you hide?”
She smiled and rose from under the dusty bed. The form of her brother appeared in the dark as a demon`s.
“Nayn!, she peeped happily and hugged him. The smell of flash powder made her feel a little dizzy.
What did the captain say?”
She felt the hesitation and made a step back looking into his eyes. He was crying. Tears were coursing down his cheeks like two crystal rivers driving the pain out of his soul.
“ The captain accepted, my little sister, but I can’t come with you.” he answered with a chocked voice.
Now they were both crying. The beauty of that night ended in a single decision, her joy drowned in those painful tears. The words that he spoke cut through the heart of the little girl like a heated blade and now “she” was bleeding.
Again she turned her sight and walked trough the room gazing upon the rain drops. She asked herself if those drops where actually her tears made by the Gods.
“What happens now, Nayn?”
She didn’t hear anything.
“Nayn?” Only then she realized that her brother left. She was now alone or at least for now. She searched underneath her shirt the piece of the medallion and pulled it from her chest. The head of a lion and a start of a flame were shinning in the light on the moon. Now she was an Elite assassin and she knew that her life will probably end before its time. She was living her destiny.
***
The mark of mortals - The lies of the Guardians
“ As the anger between the humans and the mertons started to fade and the war started to end, the king Lann`ol, leader of the mortals betrayed his kind and turned his sword against Urfen, the mage of the Gods, named by the humans “Demon” and by the mertons “Beth`yul”, created the only item that could bring death among the races on this world. The name is spoken by the wind “Avargorn” meaning its purpose – “death”. The one that gives his soul to the sword will be bounded to this world forever, unable to die by the hands of mortals nor by the hands of the blessed one.”
Inscription on a carved bone.
Don't ask about the last part of the writing - Inscription on a carved bone - There are 2 stories in my book that you must follow so just way for it. Luck!
- Akayl
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Very nicely written! You like carved bones don't you?
It flowed pretty well, though a little confusing, but since it's the beginning, I guess it's supposed to be.
Omit the space between the opening quotations and "You". Also, for emphasis, I would italicise "more"
You also need a comma between "whistled" and "full"
Comma instead of period after "me". I like your description of the boy's voice trying to "confront" the captain's
Ummm. This was a little awkward. You should write out that the captain remained silent, or describe the odd silence or something.
I wouldn't use the word "she" here since it's the first sentence with her in it. I would either use her name or the little girl. If you do use, "the little girl," you need to take it out from the next sentence.
Love the description in this sentence!
comma between strange and unusual and another one after beauty.
You need to write out both "five" and "seven"
.
I would say, "Her heart started to beat faster and faster as the steps stopped near her hinding place." If might flow better.
Opening quotations
comma instead of period at the end of the dialogue, and it should be "choked."
Don't use "now" twice in the same sentence. I would say," She was alone, or at least for now."
Okay. LOOONNNGGG Sentence! You need to split it up. Maybe, "As the anger between the humans and the mertons started to fade and the war came to an end, the king Lann'ol, leader of the mortals, betrayed his kind and turned his sword against Urfen. Named by the humans "Demon," and by the mortons "Beth 'yul," Urfren was the mage of the gods and created the only item that could bring deathe among the races on this world." and I think you might mean, "of this world," but I'm not sure.
Other than that, it was excellent. I can't wait to read more. I would have liked a little more description of Ashea and Nayn, unless you provide it at a different time in the book. I'm going to have to reread the other parts of this story.
Keep posting! *send's gold star*
-Sea-
I'll start with the good points:
I loved it.
It was really good thanks to the good word choises and the fact that you used enough description. You construct the story very well, whilst you write about the king and the mage.
Very good job.
Then the cons:
this part looks a bit weird.. make the *** a bit longer or just change the "..." somehow... like just explain the situation:
The captain was silent ... etc.
Although this part was great.. It welt a bit weird when I read it. Just jumping from the story to this part.
Also then you always write Gods.. it should be written gods, it isn't a name.
Good job as always. Gold star material. Keep it. up.
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE