I want to see the night life and its glowing ardor.
I want to see the high scraping towers bloom in the moonlight
I want to feel the elated spirits of the night
In the serene bustling of city streets, I feel the cool radiance of the beat
The quiescent motion captures me like a frame capturing a portrait
The waves of electric current dance through me, bringing new sights and sounds to my eyes
Alas, the sight of calmness swims passes every street corner! And the warm reception of the night gently brings heavenly hymns.
The night is an organ with its many people you have many sounds
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140,230 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
This poem might be ambiguous in a few areas, I understand that, but I’ll try and explained myself.
First: What I am trying to convey is how the city moves with celerity, however, it is still. Its like a camera taking a picture while the object was moving.
The more I think about it the more less appealing it is. I should change "organ" to "medely".
You have a good concept here, but there a re big problems with overwrought imagery, inconsistent voice, and some grammar mistakes.
First, as Nate said, the point of your poem is lost in the parade of pretty images. Cut out all that is unnecessary, leaving only that whcih truly enhances and illustrates the concept you are trying to portray.
Second, You go from a repititous, even pacing which sounds mellow and formal to sudden exclamations and casual speech. Try to keep the emotion level (which is different from pacing--that should vary) somewhat even. Also, watch your vocabulary, you should use the same "level" and feel of words throughout. If you say "dude" then there should be no "alas" and if you are using Victorian grammar there should be no current American slang.
Finally, watch your grammar. "Moonlight" is one word. Your last line needs punctuation to break it up (I have another gripe with this line--you're straight-up telling while the rest of the poem is opposite), right now the pacing leaves nowhere for the reader to pause.
The first three lines are good, but the poem slips from there.
What does this mean? Your imagery is obscuring the meaning.
This line reads like it's almost another person talking. Someone doesn't go from being all excited to using stolid words like 'Alas'.
This line tips me off that you probably wrote this on the spot. That's not always a bad thing, but you should always read at least once or twice over.
All in all, it's decent, but I'm pretty sure you can do better; don't sell yourself short.