I look to the rosy ribbons of light,
Just to find some profound insight.
I dive into the realms of slumber,
Just to endeavor a vision of wonder.
Knowledge- It is what I seek,
And contemplate the universe, while I think.
The setting sun and rising moon,
Releases my mind from this tumultuous room.
Oh! Matured sun sailing to the west,
Just to wake the eastern sky.
Scorching beauty burns ardently with no rest,
Just to personify my spiritual side.
Knowledge- It is what I seek,
And knowledge is what I’ve found.
Fish swim, birds fly, the Sun, the moon both die,
And man incessantly wonders why.
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Does the rhyming scheme always have to be so stern? If the rhyming scheme is oddly constructed, but applicable, can’t it work?
I like the subject you're persuing in this poem, but I'm sorry to say the rhyme just does not work for me. First, this is too short a poem for you to keep changing the rhyming scheme. In the first verse its AB, CD. Then in the second its A, B, CD, and it changes in the rest of the verses, too. It's confusing to the reader, and comes off poorly. Decide if you really want this to be a rhyming poem (personally, I think this could do well as free-verse).
That said, you have very good imagery. Maybe not much emotion, but lush scenery for the reader to enjoy. Try to work in some more feelings about knowledge and the quest for it, and this piece will benefit greatly.
P.S. Thank you so much for avoiding the overly-obvious Garden of Eden montage.
Hey there!
I thought this was really nice. I like your choice of words and the poem's structure.
Nitpicks:
No need for a comma at the end, since it continues with the next line.
The arrangement is a lil' awkward here. I'd rewrite this to:
"Knowledge- it is what I seek;
I contemplate the universe, while I think."
My favourite part of the poem. =D
I think it'll flow better if you rewrite this to:
"Fish swim, birds fly, the sun and the moon both die."
Overall, good job. I look forward to more of your work.
So, hi!
First off, this poem is pretty cool. I liked reading it. You rhymed! I personally love poems that rhyme, so that's a win for me! The whole poem sort of flowed together as one thought even though it was broken into stanzas. Another thing that caught my eye was how the second and fourth stanzas started with the word knowledge.
I did have but one issue with it. You used a lot of large and unfamiliar vocabulary. (at least it was unfamiliar to me...) Remember that you don't have to use big words and stuff to write something cool, but in this case, I think the big words worked because they helped with the whole feel of it and with the rhyming.
Overall, I really liked your poem! Keep 'em comin'!
-Emily