Lost
I stray from the road
I’m meant to walk on.
My destiny seems so clouded,
My life seems to be a con.
The golden path fades,
Browning to dirt.
I’m no longer a pure person,
Wasting away like a flirt,
Who can save me?
Save me, from me?
Who can open the lock?
Who has the key?
Are you the one?
Peaceful dove?
Tending to me gently,
Are you the one,
My love?
A poem I wrote on a whim.
Basically about straying from the right path and looking for someone to guide her back. Please comment
Fantasy
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,416 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
I like it a lot. It was dark and very honest. It didn't hide itself like a lot of poems do with it's topics. It was straight forward and beautifully written. I could relate to it because it was a real life topic. Over all, Amazing. Keep writing.
This entire stanza doesn't flow well, and could definitely use some smoothing out. The last two lines evade the rule of "show don't tell", so work on that. Also, this seems far too simple and blunt. You're not expressing any emotion in your work, and the rhyming seems too forced.
Again, show, don't tell. Don't force the rhyme scheme. Express more emotion. Answer how this affects you; be more clear as to what the problem is. You shouldn't feel the need to explain at the end what your poem is about for your readers to understand. Try being more specific when writing the actual poem.
You say "me" too much, which makes it sound rather odd. Also, it adds onto the whole "forced rhyming" issue.
This much is kind of random, and needs much more smoothing out than the previous stanzas. The commas don't work where you put them, and the only way any of the lines could work is if each one was a question, or you change your wording.
Overall, I think it could use more work, more emotion, and I think it could definitely flow better. Spend more time on your poems, be more emotional, and look them over again before posting them. I think you'd find a lot you could change for the better.
Hope I helped!
>>Annie<<
I like it, it reminds me of things I have done, so I can relate to it. Poetry you can relate to, I think is the best. But... I think it does use some work. And I agree with some about the key and lock metaphor, maybe try a different type of figurative language?
Wow. That is beautiful.Many (including me) feel/felt that way and you paint that in flying colours. Your works are truly spellbinding.
Hi Fantasydotcom, I'm new to YWS! Thanx 4 reviewing my poem so now I will return the favor. I really liked your poem. It makes me think of everything that is lost in the world, not just physically. I can really relate it to so many people in my life that are lost in the world which makes it really powerful and meaningful.
What I liked is the light and dark in your poem. To me it is not just conflict. It is someone in conflict reaching out into the light. I love this about our poem!!
What you can maybe improve on is the description. For me you did not do the best job at painting a picture but the way you talk about this person more than makes up for it.
Over all it was great and I hope you write more poems like this one...
Thanx for a great read,
watchmeburn
The whole flow is a little iffy, but the imagery and use of words are rather nice.
I do suggest that you try to move on to more original subjects, although this wasn't bad. The reader usually isn't as captivated when the whole idea is somewhat cliche'.
But hey, the more you write, the better you get. Promise me, it took quite a time for me to really get a good feel for writing poetry. You really have to express yourself, and there's so much expression and inspiration around us already. Why should we all simply write about loss? You can write about anything you want to, it will never matter what people think. But write about something that will honestly enthrall me.
it doesn't take much! Just imagery, some feelings, and a purpose.
I did enjoy reading this, and I can see some talent emerging, but promise you'll keep writing.
The whole flow is a little iffy, but the imagery and use of words are rather nice.
I do suggest that you try to move on to more original subjects, although this wasn't bad. The reader usually isn't as captivated when the whole idea is somewhat cliche'.
But hey, the more you write, the better you get. Promise me, it took quite a time for me to really get a good feel for writing poetry. You really have to express yourself, and there's so much expression and inspiration around us already. Why should we all simply write about loss? You can write about anything you want to, it will never matter what people think. But write about something that will honestly enthrall me.
it doesn't take much! Just imagery, some feelings, and a purpose.
I did enjoy reading this, and I can see some talent emerging, but promise you'll keep writing.
The whole flow is a little iffy, but the imagery and use of words are rather nice.
I do suggest that you try to move on to more original subjects, although this wasn't bad. The reader usually isn't as captivated when the whole idea is somewhat cliche'.
But hey, the more you write, the better you get. Promise me, it took quite a time for me to really get a good feel for writing poetry. You really have to express yourself, and there's so much expression and inspiration around us already. Why should we all simply write about loss? You can write about anything you want to, it will never matter what people think. But write about something that will honestly enthrall me.
it doesn't take much! Just imagery, some feelings, and a purpose.
I did enjoy reading this, and I can see some talent emerging, but promise you'll keep writing.
Hello, its me again.
So, I liked this one. There was just one thing that I noticed interrupted the flow a bit.
I'm not sure how I would try and rewrite that, maybe "I'm no longer pure,". But I'm sure you can come up with something better.
Also,
I realize that this metaphor is tempting for this kind of situation. But please don't kill this stanza by using it! Okay, it doesn't kill it, but I feel that lock and key are used WAY too much. So if you can possibly...maybe...find something else to replace this metaphor, I think it might make the stanza even better. But then, I suck at poetry, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt.
Nice piece though, I liked it, especially the second stanza.
- Isaac