Chapter I

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All Rights Reserved ®

Shelby Crouch

January 2013

Chapter 1: The Day It Started

Ever since I was little, I have always been given strange looks wherever I went. Maybe it was because my mother was in an insane asylum. Or maybe the fact that my father is locked up for life for murder. Maybe I was just simply a strange child.

Either way, I always got strange looks from people. Whenever I stepped foot outside that door, I got all these strange looks.

I never really got an answer from my grandma about why that was, the one time I had asked her she told me it was because I was special.

“Why do people stare at me funny Grams?” I had asked her, my face was bright with curiosity.

“They stare because you are special. You have the Mark of the Chosen.” She had pointed out my birthmark of a star on my upper arm. I never liked that birthmark. I always kept it covered.

I stared out the open window, the lazy summer breeze blowing my long black hair around my face. I sighed and rolled over on my bed so I was looking at the ceiling instead.

My eyes strayed over the long, webbing cracks that were there. I always thought that one day the roof would cave in on me, but somehow it never did.

“Peyton? Sweetie, can you come in the living room?” Grams voice drifted to me from the living room.

I sighed and pushed myself off the the bed. I walked into the living room, the sounds of the TV becoming louder.

I went in and sat down on the couch, facing my Grams. “Whatcha need?”

“Today is your mother's birthday, and I think you should go see her.” I gave her a weird look, I had only visited my mother once, and Grams had gotten mad at me when I had.

Mother had been saying some kind of nonsense that I don't really remember now. There was a reason she was there, she was flat out crazy.

“Grams I-”

“I know that you have mixed feelings about her, but the doctors say she isn't doing very well, I think maybe you should see her, at least one more time.” Her face was full of mixed feelings. I knew she loved her daughter, but she didn't want me around her either.

“Fine, I'll go see her.”

***

About an hour later I was standing outside an old brick building with fading words written above the metal door: Rothman's Institute For The Mentally Insane.

Grams hadn't come with me, she had stayed home. I took a deep breath and pushed the button next to the door.

“What is your business?” A voice asked from the little speaker above the button.

“I came to visit my mother.” I felt something strange, I had been here before, yes. But there was something different about this time. Something felt strange, I turned around and saw a man standing across the street, staring at me.

He was wearing a black hoodie, and his face was expressionless. Then in a moment of strangeness and movie-like quality, a car drove by, and when it was gone, so was the man.

I blinked and shook my head, the man must not have been there at all. I hoped crazy wasn't inherited, I thought as the door buzzed and I was granted access into the building.

Pushing the thoughts of the man outside to the back of my mind, I walked up to the front desk.

“A visitor, I presume?” The old woman peeked down at me through her glasses, which were perched on the end of her nose.

“Yes, ma'am.”

“What is your name, and the name of the person you are visiting?” She set her fingers on her keyboard and waited for me to tell her.

“I'm Peyton Grayson, and I'm visiting my mother, Kelly Grayson.” Her fingers moved across the keyboard and I waited while listening to the soft keystrokes.

I looked around the dull gray room, and realized that it was almost devoid of anything, and that the furniture was nailed down to the floor.

The sound of the printer buzzing, made me draw my attention back to the lady in front of me. She placed a name-tag in a plastic cover that was attached to a lanyard. She handed it to me and I placed it around my neck.

I walked over to a door, and after a low buzzing sound, the door opened and I walked down the silent hallway. I passed door after door, and when I got to the right one, I froze.

I know that Grams wanted me to visit her, but I wasn't sure I was ready. I don't know why the old lady changed her mind, she was usually so stubborn.

I took a deep breath, then I slowly pushed open the metal door and walked into the plain white room. I saw my mother, she was staring blankly out a window, murmuring something under her breath.

“Mom?” My voice was soft, I didn't want to startle her. She kept staring out the window, her lips moving, but she never said anything aloud.

“Mom?” This time she looked at me, a bright smile coming to her face.

“Peyton.” She got up awkwardly out of her bed and hugged me, her arms holding me lightly.

“Have your powers been coming in?” She asked me, turning to look out the window again.

I shook my head, she was always doing this. Always talking about powers and my destiny to save the world, she was nuts.

“Doing great mom.” I gave her a smile, I loved to see her face light up, she looked like she was a five-year-old.

“You know you have to save the world. Everyone is depending on you.” The way she said it, so matter-of-factly, it made me think that she wasn't crazy after all.

She placed a hand under her mattress and pulled out something. “You need this.” She handed me a silver necklace with a ruby surrounded by diamonds.

“I love you Peyton. I wonder if your father is coming for tea.” She wandered back over to her bed and sat back down. She once again began to stare out the window, whispering under her breath.

I looked down at the necklace in my hand, for a split second, the craziness had left her eyes. In that one second, she was the person I used to know. The fun-loving mother with the loving husband. But then again, all good things must come to an end.

“Sweetheart you need to leave, her visiting hours have ended.” A nurse who had just come into the room told me.

“But I just got here.”

“She's not supposed to have visitors.” The nurse gently guided me out the door and shut the door behind herself. What was that?

If she wasn't allowed visitors, why was I let in? I passed the front desk, the woman who was there looked at me.

“Did you get everything you needed?”

I gave her a confusing look. “Excuse me?”

“I know your secret, but don't worry it's safe with me.” She winked at me, and for a second I could have sworn her eyes glinted the brightest of blues.

I turned and walked out of the building, probably a lot faster than I should have. On the way out, I bumped into a person walking into the building.

Shapes danced in front of my eyes when he touched me. A star with a circle in it was gleaming a bright shade of red.

“Miss, are you alright?” He was holding his hands out, ready to catch me if I fell. I snapped out of my trance, and looked up into his face.

“I'm fine. Sorry.” He gave me a worried look, but I pulled myself away from him, and I walked out into the parking lot.

I realized while I was walking that I was gripping the necklace my mother had given me in my hand. Not wanting to lose it, I put it around my neck.

I walked down the sidewalk, kicking rocks as I went. What was happening to me? Was crazy passed down through the family? I was seeing things, things that there is no way were actually in front of my face.

I know I had seen the star with the circle before, but I didn't know where. I slumped against the wall, and held my head in my hands.

Why was this happening to me? I looked up and saw the man in the hoodie from before. He was looking straight at me, but I still couldn't see his face. He raised a hand, palm up, and made a come here motion at me.

Cold dread and fear raced through my body, I stood up straight just as the figure started to make his way towards me.

I started to back up, stumbling backwards, then I turned and ran full out. I pushed past people on the sidewalks, they all yelled some sort of complaint, but I just kept running.

I looked back, but I didn't see him behind me. I didn't stop or slow down, for fear that he may still be close behind me.

I kept running, even when my legs were aching and my lungs were burning. Finally the street to my house was in sight. But down the street was the man in black. I wanted to scream, why was he doing this to me?

I raced for the house, just wanting to be free of this man. I ran inside and slammed the door shut behind me. Hearing the loud sound of the door closing, Grams came running into the living room.

“What are Earth is going on Peyton?” Grams was staring at me with curious eyes. Then she saw the necklace around my neck. “Where did you get that?” She pointed to the necklace around my neck, her finger shaking.

“Mom gave it to me.” I grabbed the dark red charm in my hand, not wanting her to take it from me.

“That is no ordinary necklace. They won't leave you alone now that you wear it.”

I thought about the man who might be outside the house at this very moment. “Who won't stop Grams?”

“They want you, he is coming back.” She was muttering to herself now, pacing the floor of the living room.

“What is going on?” I finally cried, having enough of her mental breakdown. Obviously crazy did run in the family.

“You're a witch Peyton.”

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Wed Jan 09, 2013 5:09 pm

Hello, FantasyWriter. How about a review?
Okay, let's start with some positives. I do really like the idea - this kind of story about a mysterious kid with a bigger purpose never gets old, as long as you do it well. You succeeded in drawing me in when I first started reading, and I like how you started the story by referring to her supposed strangeness in the past. It's a good way to capture interest, and it worked well.
However, there are still a couple of issues with the chapter. I'll start with the boring-but-vital punctuation and phrasing stuff, because that's just a little thing that you can fix fairly easily.

“Why do people stare at me funny Grams?” I had asked her...


“Doing great mom.” I gave her a smile...


“I love you Peyton...


These are several examples of a problem that littered the whole piece - you don't put commas prior to the names. They should, in my opinion, look like this:

“Why do people stare at me funny, Grams?” I had asked her...


“Doing great, mom.” I gave her a smile...


“I love you, Peyton...


As far as I'm aware, that's how addressing a person is generally supposed to work.

I went in and sat down on the couch, facing my Grams.


Do you mean 'facing my grandma', or 'facing Grams'? It sounds a bit disjointed at the moment. Is she supposed to be talking about her affectionately or something, because it doesn't really come through in the rest of the piece.

He raised a hand, palm up, and made a come here motion at me.


In my opinion, this doesn't sound quite right. It feels a bit limp. Change it to 'and motioned for me to approach him' or something, just so it reads a bit more smoothly.

Okay, I think that's it on the punctuation-and-phrasing front. Now I want to move on to the content itself.
Lycando was right, it really is far too fast-paced. You started well, but didn't build it up enough. One minute Peyton is talking about her past, the next she's in an asylum, and then suddenly we find out she's a witch and that the world's out to get her. All these stages would be great if they weren't so crammed together. Don't rush it; you need to give the reader time to get to know Peyton a bit more or else we won't care about her, even if she is being hunted. I'd suggest breaking this piece up into at least two chapters.
Also, I personally think you should hold back the info concerning Peyton being a witch. It's just my opinion, but doing it in the first chapter, despite the drama, means that you've just exhausted one of the most valuable incentives to keep reading. Mystery keeps a person interested.
Anyway, despite the fast pace (and lack of description, which Lycando mentioned) I think the novel has a lot of promise. You've got a great idea, great potential to make it interesting, and any kind of saving-the-world stuff is going to keep me reading. PM me if you post more.

I hope this review helped! :D

~Dark

User avatar
Lycando
Review

Hey there!

First of all, I like the idea here. A witch whose parents are both locked up for wrong reasons. And she has to be independent on her own. It's a cliche concept, but it's what makes this story interesting to readers.

Peyton's character in this is that of a confused child who just has so many things happening in her life at once she's starting to feel the pressure. I like how she tries to deal with it, and I also like the thing about the hooded man that she's wary of.

The pace of the story was too fast, especially in the asylum. She was being pushed out pretty fast after she was given the necklace. Not much of an explanation there. The part when she got back home whilst being chased by the man was fast paced as it should have been, but there wasn't enough description. I didn't feel Peyton's desperation to get far away from that man as possible.

The dialogue was well done in this story. Although it's cut into little segments, it brings the plot to the reader. Instead of narration you use dialogue to introduce the reader to new concepts in the story and I like that.

Overall you need to work on some extra description in certain parts and also the appropriate pace for different sections of the story. I like where this is going, the cliffhanger may be slightly cliche though, and you may want to consider changing that.

Hope my review helped!



I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest