It used to be everything was written like a story book
Knew exactly how the plot was supposed to look
There was a virtuous girl in a long red cape
She was ignorant believing everything would stay the same
She knew just who she was meant to be
All her friends said she was a good girl
Until she took that basket and skipped off into the real world
Temptation blocked her path and she couldn't keep her mouth shut
Gave that wolf what he wanted and ignored the feelings in her gut
That's the moment she started changing
Then the blue skies turned to black
And there was no way she was going back
She took one wrong turn and strayed from the path
Thought it was so small she could find her way back
But the wrong turn turned into four or five
Now she's lost in the woods wondering if she'll get out alive
And the trees loom down saying "I told you so"
As she runs frantically to find the way that she should go
And she screams for help, but there's never anyone around
When you're so lost you can't be found
She got her first taste of danger and followed it into the dark
So enthralled in rebellion she couldn't hear the warning of the sweet meadow lark
She convinced herself she still knew where she was going
Ignored the shivers from the cold wind that was blowing
Something so wrong couldn't feel this right
She finally looked up and realized this is not where she should be
So she tried to find the path and follow it to the story's ending
But she's too far gone that the story's already changing
Finds herself in the worst way rearranging
Now she's destined to stay in the forest in the cold dark night
And she fights to find a way out
But there's no one to hear her shout
She took one wrong turn and strayed from the path
Thought it was so small she could find her way back
But the wrong turn turned into four or five
Now she's lost in the woods wondering if she'll get out alive
And the trees loom down saying "I told you so"
As she runs frantically to find the way that she should go
And she screams for help, but there's never anyone around
When you're so lost you can't be found
She'd taken the safe road for so long
And it felt so right to be wrong
Thought she knew exactly what she stood for
But it's hard to stand when the wolf's knocked you to the floor
For a moment there I was transported into the world of little red, this is one poem that takes a child's storybook and shows all of us that the story of red is meant for everyone of all ages it dose this by telling the story in a much more mature point of view this poem
can be likeable to the experiences of
many young people who feel they are old enough to take on the world on thier own without the help and advice of people older and more experienced than they are only to find out that it was best to just stay on the path of innocence just like little red later found out after disobeying her mother.
This poem can be divided into three
major ages:
1. The age of innocence and positive ignorance is the age where the personae is still in the care of those who love and respect her for who she is.
'There was a virtuous girl in a long red cape
She was ignorant believing everything would stay the same
She knew just who she was meant to be
All her friends said she was a good girl'
2. Then the second age is the of
maturity at this age she develops a
strong thirst for adventure and
knowledge she then decides to leave and face the world on her own.
'Until she took that basket and
skipped off into the real world'
This are also the longest and worst
ages of her life this is when she starts to make bad decisions and finds out
how cruel the real world is.
'She took one wrong turn and strayed from the path
Thought it was so small she could find her way back
But the wrong turn turned into four orfive Now she's lost in the woods'
3. The final age is the age ofremorse
which is when she starts to regret her decisions and tries to turn back but she finds out that it's to late
'She finally looked up and realized this is not where she should be'
'Now she's destined to stay in the
forest in the cold dark night'
The main poetic devices found in thi poem are symbolism and personification.
Symbolism
Wolf-evils of this world
The Meadow lark-Most likely warnings from loved ones
The trees- Memories of her loved ones taunting her
Personification
"And the trees loom down saying "I
told you so"
As I said earlier this is one creative piece of writing
For a moment there I was transported into the world of little red, this is one poem that takes a child's storybook and shows all of us that the story of red is meant for everyone of all ages it dose this by telling the story in a much more mature point of view this poem can be likeable to the experiences of many young people who feel they are old enough to take on the world on thier own without the help and advice of people older and more experienced than they are only to find out that it was best to just stay on the path of innocence just like little red later found out after disobeying her mother.
This poem can be divided into three major ages:
1. The age of innocence and positive ignorance is the age where the personae is still in the care of those who love and respect her for who she is.
'There was a virtuous girl in a long red cape
She was ignorant believing everything would stay the same
She knew just who she was meant to be
All her friends said she was a good girl'
2. Then the second age is the of maturity at this age she develops a strong thirst for adventure and knowledge she then decides to leave and face the world on her own.
'Until she took that basket and skipped off into the real world'
This are also the longest and worst ages of her life this is when she starts to make bad decisions and finds out how cruel the real world is.
'She took one wrong turn and strayed from the path
Thought it was so small she could find her way back
But the wrong turn turned into four or five
Now she's lost in the woods'
3. The final age is the age of remorse which is when she starts to regret her decisions and tries to turn back but she finds out that it's to late
'She finally looked up and realized this is not where she should be'
'Now she's destined to stay in the
forest in the cold dark night'
The main poetic devices found in this poem are symbolism and personification.
Symbolism
Wolf-evils of this world
The Meadow lark-Most likely warnings from loved ones
The trees- Memories of her loved ones taunting her
Personification
"And the trees loom down saying "I
told you so"
As I said earlier this is one creative piece of writing
Firstly, I really liked how this whole thing was expressed...everything is well written...it is not in its best form though...this piece would only excel as a rap song...it simply gives that rap vibe...if its sung then maybe it will be too dull and boring..the tune that is...But the lyrics here is very good..its very simple and lucid and since you have rhymed it in every way possible it looks much more of a rap...I like rap and all but the idea of rapping red riding hood sounds good and different does'nt it??? Anyways...this is a good song only if you want it as rap...but as a normal one it would be too dull and unpolished. It would be somerhing of a gothic lullaby?? Lol!! But the lyrics is awesome..you could tweak it here and there to make a poem or a proper song if you don't want it as rap...Good work...do finish it ok I will look forward to it after you have modified it....Good luck!!
Hi FallingFromGrace and welcome to YWS! Now, since you posted this as lyrics, I assume you mean this to be sung. In that case, I would suggest reformatting to indicate what's verses and what's chorus.
Now, there's several reasons why I have trouble seeing this as a song:
1) Long lines/stanzas: They're not broken up well, and I feel like a listener would lose interest pretty fast. This goes double for the chorus, as that's supposed to be strong and memorable. Now, you do have some good lines in the chorus,
but they're lost in the rest of it.
2) Rhyme without meter: In my opinion, rhyming without paying attention to the syllable count and rhythm of the piece is kind of like eating raw butter. It makes no sense and doesn't go down well. Rhyming in songs can be good, and memorable, and catchy, but this isn't. Take this line for example:
Not only is the lark a forced rhyme, but the line itself is so long that it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece. It wouldn't be easy to sing and the listener will be put off by this.
Kafka has some good ideas about fixing the rhyming, but I would also add to pay attention to the syllable count. It doesn't have to be a "standard" pattern (e.g. iambic pentameter), but it should be consistent through the verses (the chorus could be different if you wanted to, as could a bridge).
To end on a good note, I like your lead in couplets for the chorus. They're short, strong, and interesting, which they need to be. Make the rest of the piece like this. Cut line lengths, forced rhymes, and unneeded words. You have a good story here, now focus on the rhythm and making it more compact.
Again, welcome and keep writing!
Rhyming's great for establishing meter, but it turns into a hindrance when you let it control you. Remember: let the rhyme fit the poem, not the poem fit the rhyme.
Here, I couldn't really find any sense of flow between lines, that invisible poetic gel tying your poem together. It wasn't there. It seemed like most lines in this piece were completely centered around completing a rhyme to the point that they were overly long or circuitous in phrasing and difficult to swallow. If you're intent on keeping some sort of rhyme scheme, here's a strategy that may help: first compose a draft of your poem without any rhymes and instead focus your energy completely on the cohesion between lines and on meter, and then go through and edit the lines to fit the rhyme scheme. I know of a couple published poets who use this strategy, and I've heard it works very well in creating a natural-sounding rhyming poem.
Second, this was long and rambling, with lots of overlapping parts. It felt unfocused. Edit this down and decide what needs to be said and what is redundant or already implicit.
I hope this helped.
-Kafka