How Was Your Day? - Chapter 9.2

by Que

A young man, probably in college, entered the store, looking around curiously. Spotting Mr. Vaughn, he grinned and walked directly to him. Finnley suddenly felt very invisible beside the older man.

"Mr. Vaughn!" the man exclaimed, shaking the aforementioned's hand.

"Henry," Mr. Vaughn replied with a crinkly smile. "How have you been?"

"Fantastic, sir. I just came in looking for something for my fiancé. She'd love this place; I'll have to bring her in sometime." Henry was already looking around, eyes wandering over the tables as if they were already familiar with their contents.

"I would love it if you did," said Mr. Vaughn. "Henry, I'd like to introduce you to Finnley Bale. I'm going to take him on as a part-time assistant." Finnley blinked- Mr. Vaughn had done it again. He couldn't recall having given him his last name, and yet he knew it. There had to be a reconciling sometime soon. Mr. Vaughn knew more than he should, and his mysteries were intriguing but mildly troubling.

As Finnley was contemplating Mr. Vaughn's secrets, Henry turned to him in surprise, noticing the scruffy haired boy for the first time. "Hi," he said, abandoning his search for a gift in order to talk to Finnley. "I'm Henry. It's a pleasure to meet you. I used to work for Mr. Vaughn, you know, back when I was your age." Finnley didn't think Henry was old enough to say 'back when I was your age', but refrained from saying so.

He said politely, "It's a pleasure to meet you as well."

Henry laughed loudly, filling up the tiny shop with the sound. "My! So quiet, so polite! Seems like a good kid you found, Mr. Vaughn."

Finnley opened his mouth to say that he had found Mr. Vaughn, not the other way around, but thought better of it. He had the oddest feeling that perhaps he had not wandered into the antique shop on accident the day before. He shut his mouth and decided to watch Henry as he continued his search.

His fingers passed over objects lovingly, as if he, too, knew all their stories. Finnley wondered what he and Mr. Vaughn had been through together, which stories Henry had seen. His fingers stilled over what seemed to be a music box. He picked it up and weighed it in his hand, then turned the key. A beautiful melody twinkled out of box, which was painted with fields of bluebells.

Henry and Mr. Vaughn shared a smile. "How much will it be?" he was asking when the bell at the front door interrupted. The three of them turned to the door, where an old lady was standing. She was wearing a long raincoat which was drenched, though the September sun shone brightly outside. Her face was puckered in worry, her white hair floating around her face in the static from pulling her good back.

Mr. Vaughn's face changed and he immediately rushed over to her side and lead her up the staircase in the corner without a word. "I'll be a little while," he called down. "Henry, I hope you don't mind waiting. Just stay here with Finnley; you know how to deal with my customers."

With Mr. Vaughn on done strange errand, Finnley and Henry were left facing each other. Henry sat on the edge of Mr. Vaughn's desk and ran a hand through his neat brown hair. He sighed, just a bit, and eyed Finnley. "You've got questions about him, don't you? About Mr. Vaughn?"

"Yes," Finnley answered carefully, eyeing Henry back. He stood a little ways off, watching him. Something about this encounter struck him as a test. "He- he knew things he shouldn't. Things that he couldn't. And if he sells things based on need, rather than the physical worth of the object, how in the world does he make money? The work seems so interesting, but-" Finnley swallowed hard; these words were always difficult to say, especially when it was a stranger, and he was already bracing himself for that terrible look of pity. "But I need the money. It's just my mom and I, and she doesn't like to tell me, but I need a paying job in order to keep the two of us afloat." He looked Henry dead in the eyes. "And if this job doesn't pay somewhere above minimum wage, especially if it doesn't pay anything, then no matter how much I love it I'm going to leave."

Henry leaned back and raised an eyebrow. "Is that all, kid?"

Finnley crossed his arms and added, "Oh, and there's some sort of monster in the forest that wore the face of my sister and my friend had to hit it with a baseball bat and Mr. Vaughn just casually has a drawing of it in his shop."

Finnley didn't think he'd ever said so much all at once. He wanted to grab the words out of the air and stuff them back in his mouth, but he couldn't, so he just kept his arms crossed and pretended like he meant to let all that come out. Henry's eyes glinted with amusement.

All he said was, "You weren't going to mention the lady in the raincoat? You weren't wondering why it was so wet?"

Finnley breathed in sharply. Everything he said, and this man only noticed what he hadn't said? How peculiar. Finnley was certain he knew a lot about Mr. Vaughn, and was probably much more likely to tell him. "I'll admit, it wasn't at the forefront of his mind."

Henry laughed, quieter this time. "She used to come in a lot, even when I was working here. She's from Seattle." He looked pointedly at Finnley, as if he was supposed to understand something he didn't. "As for me," he continued, brown eyes glittering, "I'm from Canada. My fiancé's expecting me back within the hour.

Finnley frowned. As far north as they were, he didn't think that Henry could possibly make it. Nor did he think he would've come all this way just to see an old friend. Henry's smile widened as he saw Finnley's troubled expression. "Now you're seeing it," he said. "This store isn't stationary."

Comments & reviews · 3
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Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Sun Jan 14, 2018 8:36 pm

Hi, Querencia! Pan dropping in for another review. This one's probably going to be pretty short as I feel like the other reviewers have basically hit the nail on the head, but I'll still try and give you my thoughts.

Spotting Mr. Vaughn, he grinned and walked directly to him. Finnley suddenly felt very invisible beside the older man.


Mr. Vaughn had done it again. He couldn't recall having given him his last name, and yet he knew it. There had to be a reconciling sometime soon. Mr. Vaughn knew more than he should, and his mysteries were intriguing but mildly troubling.


The others have pointed out that it isn't that inconceivable that he would know Finnley's second name, but discounting that, my issue is more with Finnley's reaction. I generally don't feel like he's perturbed enough by Mr Vaughn knowing the things he does. He just seems to brush it off all the time. I feel like it should nag at him more. It's okay for him to brush it off, but I feel like he should do it in a more 'I must have mentioned it to him before and just forgot about it' kind of way rather than a 'I definitely didn't mention it but I can't be bothered asking how he knows' kind of way.

As Finnley was contemplating Mr. Vaughn's secrets, Henry turned to him in surprise, noticing the scruffy haired boy for the first time.


I found this quite weird. Because the chapter is framed from Finnley's POV, it felt weird for him to suddenly be described as 'the scruffy-haired boy'. For a moment, it made me think there was another boy in the shop. I think just 'him' would work much better.

He said politely, "It's a pleasure to meet you as well."


From then on it gets into the territory that the other reviewers talked about. While I do absolutely love the idea of the non-stationary shop (which I totally called - kind of, anyway!), I agree that you introduce it in a bit of rush. I feel like you could draw out the mystery for a few chapters more. There's no real reason to give the game away so soon.

I also agree that Finnley felt pretty out of character. I didn't feel like things were weird enough for him to flip out and start questioning everything, especially not to someone he's only known for about five minutes. Nevertheless, the other reviewers have covered this issue pretty thoroughly, so I won't labour the point.

Not the best chapter, but it does have some really good aspects to it. I like Henry. He's still quite a mystery, but I like his merry personality and slight cheekiness. He seems to take quite a lot of amusement in Finnley's lack of understanding, and I like that he says 'when I was your age' even though he's barely that older than Finnley, like he reckons he's wiser than he is. I feel like he could be a fun character.

I love the concept of the moving shop, as well. Very Howl's Moving Castle, which is incidentally one of the most joyful books I've ever read. Turns out Mr Vaughn is dodging his bills, after all! I'm waiting for the unforeseen plot twist where Finnley reports him to the authorities.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

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PrincessInk
Review

WOW!! A moving store. I agree with BlueAfrica that that reminds of Howl's Moving Castle (the book was really fun to read, by the way ;)) The more I read this novel, the more I'm enjoying it.

Anyway, what felt strange for me in this chapter was how open Finnley was about his situation. It feels a little off-character, because Finnley seems to be a rather closed-up person unless he knows a person well? I also agree with BlueAfrica that even Mia wouldn't say such a thing to a random person...Well, Henry isn't actually--he was a former employee of Mr. Vaughn. Still, it feels strange to talk about your troubles to people you've met for only five minutes or so. It sounds like Henry is *supposed* to know about this now and that...isn't a very good reason to let Finnley spill out everything. So I'm pinning this problem on the pacing of this chapter. It's moving too quickly ( I know that the information must come across quickly) and maybe if Finnley took an indirect route or something, you could develop more of Henry's character too.

Another thing that felt odd was that Henry was praising Finnley a lot for being polite. I guess he'd do that if Finnley was much younger than seventeen or so, right? I mean...come on, Finnley is old enough to know courtesy and stuff. Unless, that is, Henry has to deal with a lot of rude people. I'm just wondering what Finnley feels about Henry. Maybe he'll think about him when he gets home, or his thoughts can be slipped into his dialogue tags.

And Mr. Vaughn knows Finnley's last name. I assume he talked to Finnley's mom or something, to make this job official? I suppose Finnley should work there with his mom's permission, right? Because the night before, with the Homecoming plans, there wasn't room for it.

I really liked the mystery about the old lady in the raincoat. Not about the wetness, but why Mr. Vaughn is in such a hurry to get her UP. It gives me something to chew on, and Finnley will definitely talk about this to Mia! I wonder why Mr. Vaughn wants her away from Finnley and Henry or something? I love this kind of mystery~

Finnley figured out about the moving store--reeeaally fast. Too fast, maybe. No matter how odd this is, I feel as if this is too fast. Maybe Henry just blurts it out and then Finnley puts the pieces together--and Aha! Again I feel like this is a bit pf a pacing problem. The realization could come across a little more slowly (pacing in revelation scenes are tricky, at least for me, because you can't go too fast that it doesn't make sense, and you can't go too slow or the reader will figure out first and start drumming their fingers on the table).

Well...it's a bit of a ramble, but I hope I helped!

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Yeahhhhh my pacing was really off on this one. At first I had no ideas about what was going to happen, but then I got a lot of crazy ideas really fast and the chapter probably mirrored that and stuff. XD I know this is one of the ones I'll have to focus quite a bit on when editing! Thanks for the review. :)

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BluesClues
Review

!!!!!!!!

Okay, I did not see that coming.

Omg. Howl's Moving Antique Shop.

AWESOME.

Although I think Henry gives Finnley a little more credit than is due. I really don't think Henry was seeing it. He was just confused and trying to figure it out. But even with everything that's happened to him, I don't think he would've come up with "the store isn't stationary" unless he'd read Howl's Moving Castle and even then might go, "Um...but no???"

ANYWAY.

I like that we have something to be really curious about with this lady, even though the mystery of her wet raincoat has been solved. She still looked worried when she came in, and Mr. Vaughn immediately rushed to assist her and talk to her alone, away from prying ears. Plus the image of her with staticky white hair and everything makes it seem like she might have close ties to Mr. Vaughn, which is like a weird reason to think that but it's my reasoning anyway.

I thought it was weird that Finnley considered Mr. Vaughn knowing his last name another mystery. Like. Okay, even though he hasn't technically actually told Mr. Vaughn his last name onscreen (so to speak), I didn't question the fact that Mr. Vaughn knew it, and I think it's because he's now Finnley's employer. He would have to know Finnley's last name eventually, and basically the first thing employers do is have you fill out all the paperwork, and yes, I know Mr. Vaughn's a rare one, but still. Especially considering Finnley really needs the money (p.s. if this is his first job, minimum wage is what he'll get virtually anywhere except maybe a good company like Starbucks where he might start off a little higher), I'd think he would've been eager to fill out all the paperwork and make it official.

Also, this felt weirdly out of place.

Finnley crossed his arms and added, "Oh, and there's some sort of monster in the forest that wore the face of my sister and my friend had to hit it with a baseball bat and Mr. Vaughn just casually has a drawing of it in his shop."


I think Henry must know something about it, since he picked up on what Finnley didn't say instead of his going on about a monster, but still. Prior to that, Finnley absolutely couldn't be sure he'd know. Even Mia doesn't go around spouting this stuff to random people, at least not right away, and Finnley's not nearly as talky as Mia.

Finnley didn't think he'd ever said so much all at once.


Like, whoa, me neither.

I think Henry's probably old enough to say "back when I was your age," but that could be because I say that mostly to people who are only two to five years younger than me. Heh. Heh.

So I think the main thing about this chapter - like it's really interesting, probably the most interesting chapter Mia hasn't been a part of since Finnley was following a mysterious girl into the forest - but it seems like you just really, really wanted to get certain things across, so it comes out kind of forced. I don't see much of a reason for Finnley to spill about the monster to Henry right away, unless it was that you wanted to reinforce how strange everything and everyone surrounding Mr. Vaughn is in that Henry doesn't question the monster. It also seems odd that Henry mentions the lady in the raincoat when, yes, I was curious about her, but Finnley didn't seem as interested as I was, so it was a little funky that Henry was like, "What, you're not going to ask about that? I can see you want to." Especially since this is the first we've seen of someone who obviously came from far away! It's okay to let these things unfold slowly and more naturally,

although I get that's actually really hard to do right now because LMS and also we all want to get to the good stuff in our stories right away. But just for future drafts, those are my thoughts.

Hooray! All caught up :)

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Oh my gosh thank you so much for the tips. XD Yeah LMS is kind of hard on me (whereas, say, NaNo is easier because I don't really have chapter breaks) so even each segment of a chapter kind of starts and ends like its own chapter. I'll sort that out, maybe, eventually haha. Also, I totally didn't mean to make it like Howl's Moving Castle, but looking back, I see it. :0 And Henry just kind of was an accident, so I have to fix a ton of stuff here. XD but I'm glad you thought it was interesting, at least!



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