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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 8.3

by Que


They ate dinner casually, and though Mia chatted away merrily, Mrs. Bale looking at Finnley weirdly. He quirked his eyebrows upwards. At this, his mother cleared her throat and faced Mia.

"Do you mind if I have a moment with my son?" she asked politely. As if she needed to ask Mia what was okay in her own home. Finnley had to smile wryly at the thought. Mia certainly was a commanding presence.

"Of course," Mia replied graciously. Mrs. Bale stood and walked into the adjacent room, beckoning Finnley to join her. He glanced back at Mia one last time before leaving the table, and was surprised to find her glaring at him.

Finnley's mother rounded on him as soon as he entered the room. "I've been talking to Mia this afternoon," she said in hushed tones, looking as though she were about to scold him, "and she is a very lovely young lady." 'Lovely' wouldn't have been the first word Finnley would have chosen, knowing her endless scheming and rule bending, not to mention her sass. "You'd be a fool not to ask her to that Homecoming dance. Can't you see she likes you?"

Finnley blinked. "What? I- why would-" He shook his head. That didn't make sense. There was no way he was asking her to Homecoming; they were truly just friends. He was about to say as much to his mother, but then he thought of Mia's glare when he left the room. Maybe it hadn't been a glare at all, rather it was a reassuring stare, telling him to go along with it, that it was all a part of her elaborate plot. Maybe.

Either way, it was a chance worth taking. Finnley did not want to see Mia's frustration at seeing her plans accidentally foiled, and even if it wasn't her plan, she could just say as much to him and they could call it off. Besides, this would make his mother unduly happy. She needed to be happy these days.

"Alright," Finnley said, swallowing his fears. His mother grinned, though he didn't feel so sure about it. They walked back into the dining room, where Mia was mildly stroking Rory.

"Oh, you're back," she said with a sharp smile. "I was just about to kidnap your rabbit here- he's just too adorable!" She almost squealed at the end, and Finnley's heart lifted.

"Hey Mia?" he asked. Mrs. Bale wisely vacated the room.

"Yes?" she responded in a similar tone. She leaned forward and grinned at him. Like she knew what was coming. Some lunatic plan this was.

"I was wondering... would you like to go to Homecoming with me?" Finnley managed to get out. He fought the urge to wipe his sweating palms on his pants.

"Oh, I would love to!" Mia exclaimed. Finnley let out a sigh of relief. Still petting the bunny with one hand, she patted Finnley's shoulder with the other in what he was sure she thought was a reassuring way.

"Congrats!" Mrs. Bale said gleefully, coming up from behind them. "I'm so happy for you two."

Luckily, the evening didn't drag on too long; Finnley was uncomfortable enough as it was. "May I walk you home?" he asked Mia. His mom, watching like a hawk from the kitchen, might have thought it was chivalrous, but he had ulterior motives. How else could she tell him about this supposed plan without anyone else hearing about it?

"Bye Mrs. Bale!" Mia waved cheerfully at Finnley's mom as he shut the wooden door stepped out into the night.

He immediately turned on her. "Was this part of your plan?"

Mia tilted her head slightly, as if considering. Then she grinned evilly. "Yes," she admitted.

"Thank goodness," Finnley breathed, dragging a hand across his face. "I nearly died back there!"

Mia shrugged. "Just wanted to make you work a little." She started walking and Finnley fell into pace beside her.

"'Make me work a little?' My gosh, Mia, this plan had better be spectacular." He folded his arms across his chest, indignant.

"Oh trust me, it is," she proclaimed loftily. She tugged one of his arms free and looped it through her own. "C'mon Finnley, we're supposed to be a couple."

"We are not!" Finnley glowered, pulling his arm back. Mia swatted the back of his head.

"Oh, fine!" she laughed. "I just like pushing your buttons. You know we're just friends, silly."

"The plan?" Finnley reminded her, but the corner of his mouth twitched upwards in some semblance of a smile.

"Ah, yes. My greatest scheme yet," Mia said smugly. "Thank you ever so much for asking me to Homecoming. Do you know how long the dance is?"

"No." And he failed to see how that was relevant.

"Well, I do. It's three hours long. Add in an hour or more to eat dinner beforehand, along with some driving time, because even if the high school is close, driving is classier... How long does that give us?" Mia watched Finnley intently despite the darkness, as if waiting for him to catch her drift.

"That would be a bit over four hours," Finnley said. "But why-" A look of realization crawled slowly over his face and he stopped dead in his tracks. "You can't be serious," he said, looking back at Mia.

"I can be and I am." She placed a hand on her hip and tapped her foot against the pavement. Clearly impatient, she flipped her long black ponytail over one shoulder.

"We're going to visit your uncle and come back in the time that it would take us to go to Homecoming?" Finnley whispered.

Mia bared her teeth in a grin. "Precisely," she said happily. "We dress nicely, don't spend money on tickets, and drive off. We come back after spending an hour with dear Uncle Fred, leaving no one the wiser. Are you in?"

Finnley shook his head, and Mia pulled back into herself, looking as if she wanted to knock some sense into him. "I've never heard anything crazier," he admitted. "I'm in." 


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Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:20 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Querencia! Pan back again for another review.

They ate dinner casually, and though Mia chatted away merrily, Mrs. Bale looking at Finnley weirdly


The adverbs here are all placed in the same sort of position, which makes the structure really repetitive. It's a bit monotonous to read, so I'd suggest shaking the syntax up a bit to make it a bit more variable.

"What? I- why would-" He shook his head. That didn't make sense. There was no way he was asking her to Homecoming; they were truly just friends. He was about to say as much to his mother, but then he thought of Mia's glare when he left the room. Maybe it hadn't been a glare at all, rather it was a reassuring stare, telling him to go along with it, that it was all a part of her elaborate plot. Maybe.


This is a very shrewd assumption to make, and I wonder whether he really would come to that conclusion from just a glare. Especially given how flustered he's feeling. Maybe if she'd winked at him as he left the room, or just mouthed something at him that he couldn't work out, he'd be more likely to twig that she was planning something. Or perhaps she could whisper 'go along with everything' after she mentioned the plan in the previous chapter segment? I just feel like Finnley needs a clearer reason to assume that this is part of her plot, because if I were in his shoes, I don't think I'd infer that from a glare/stare.

"Oh trust me, it is," she proclaimed loftily. She tugged one of his arms free and looped it through her own. "C'mon Finnley, we're supposed to be a couple."

"We are not!" Finnley glowered, pulling his arm back. Mia swatted the back of his head.


Hahaha, have I mentioned that I love Mia?

Another good chapter! This plan is very, very Mia. By that, I mean it's sly and thought-out, but could also go disastrously wrong at any point. Which I'm suspecting may happen. Which I'm hoping will happen. I love a bit of Murphy's law in stories. If they were delayed in some way, I dread to think the crazy kind of lies they'd have to come up with. Still, this couple pretence is going to be useful for them - it gives them an excuse to spend a lot of time together and vanish off for hours by themselves. Though I suppose it might raise some awkward questions if they keep up the habit of going to each other's houses during the night...

I am glad the couple thing is a pretence, I will mention. Representation of male/female friendships is something we need more of. Finnley's mum means well, bless her, but as someone who had a lot of male friends when they were a kid, I kind of have to roll my eyes at her. I know what it's like to have people assuming you're crushing on your friends and I feel a personal flicker of annoyance at how much she presumes. Still, she's very believable!

Like BlueAfrica, I feel like you could tease this chapter out a little longer and have Finn talk about his new job, though I suppose that's the kind of thing that might come up in the next bit. I can believe that it would be pushed from his mind by Mia's plan. I might expect him to mention it during dinner, actually, seeing as it's the kind of thing his mum would probably want to hear about as well.

Anyhow, that's all for this review. Great ending to the whole chapter! I love Mia, and I especially love how she and Finnley are such foils to one another. It makes for a great partnership.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Fri Jun 02, 2017 1:50 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, I know I said I probably wouldn't be opposed to an eventual romance between Finn and Mia, but I was totally relieved when it turned out him asking her to prom was actually just part of Mia's Evil Scheme.

(Omg Finn's mom ships them SO HARD. Too bad for her, though. Friendship is a Good Thing.)

I know Finn's super excited to find out Mia's plans, but I do think his new job should come up at some point. After all, it's not like he got a soul-sucking job as a waiter or cashier. He's going to work at a sweet antique store for a mysterious old man! I'd think Mia would be so interested in that she might even forget all about her plans for just a little bit to ask about it, and meanwhile Finn would be like, "UGH ENOUGH ABOUT MY NEW JOB TELL ME YOUR PLAN ALREADY" but not aloud of course because his mum's here.

Anyway, this is a brilliant plan, and I can't wait to read more!




Que says...


Thanks for the review! Yeah, I was writing and totally forgot that Finn just got a job. XD (and yeah Finnley's mom is great haha)



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Mon May 29, 2017 11:41 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello Falconer.

Mia is so sneaky about using Homecoming to visit her Uncle Fred :) And Mrs. Bale is so witless but happy. This plan makes me grin a lot and I wonder how Mrs. Bale will respond if she knows what the two are actually up to.

To a sentence level, I noticed that there's quite a lot of adverbs beside the ones in dialogue. Adverbs lose their effectiveness if overused; they have a much stronger effect when sprinkled in the text. The first sentence shows:

They ate dinner casually, and though Mia chatted away merrily, Mrs. Bale looking at Finnley weirdly. He quirked his eyebrows upwards.


There are three adverbs in one sentence! While some of them do have to stick, consider trying to find a stronger verb to replace the verb+adverb combo. For example, "Mia chatted away merrily" probably needs to just cut the "merrily" because "chatted" is already showing, at least in my opinion, that she is merry.

I was also wondering when Finnley would talk about this job? Because it seems as though there's no sign and I do think that Finnley should at least tell his mother. Or possibly it'll come up soon (I tend to be impatient)? I want to know Mia's take on it XD. Or is it brought up doing the dinner?

So they're going to the uncle in Homecoming! I'm excited to figure who is this mysterious Uncle Fred. :D

Image




Que says...


Thanks for the review! Really, Finnley was just too interested in Mia's plan to talk about his job. Though his mom probably interrogates him, but she wants him to ask Mia to Homecoming too. I'll think about it. XD



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Mon May 29, 2017 10:55 am
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RavenBlack wrote a review...



Hey Raven Black here! :-)

I LOVE MIA! SHE'S SO SASSY!

Let's start with the positives! :-D
-Dialogue was very funny and engaging, the conversation between Finnley and Mia was very entertaining. I'm sure I've read one of your previous chapters but this one got me hooked!

- Great characters! I love it when there's a variety of personalities it make it more fun to write and read!

- I wonder what the plan is, it's good that you didn't give away all the details, it makes the reader want to know more!


Negatives :-(

- You made a mistake in the beginning: 'Mrs. Bale looking at Finnley weirdly' it should be 'Mrs. Bale looked at Finnley weirdly'

- There were times when I was a bit confused is this written in the present or past tense, it feels like the present but sometimes the writing sounds like it should be past tense. Probably just me...

Other than that great piece.

Keep writing!:-D




Que says...


Thanks for the review! It's all in past tense. :)



RavenBlack says...


Oh okay, my bad :-)




The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.
— Samuel Johnson