Hi, Querencia. Dropping in for another quick review. Small grammar changes will be shown in blue.
It wasn't that it would be hard for Finnley to get a job, it was just that he wasn't interested in any. There were all sorts of good reasons not to take perfectly reasonable jobs: too social, too formal, too constricting, too everything.
I don't really buy that Finnley would walk around town and find that tons of places were hiring, even for part-time work. In this day and age (at least where I live) it's more of a case of beggars not being able to be choosers. And don't shops and stuff not like it anymore when people just wander in asking for work? Unless there's an actual sign advertising it outside. I don't know, I just reckon he'd have a much harder time finding offers than he currently seems to.
She had averyvalid point
I forget who said it, but there's that old rule that you should go through your work and delete every instance of 'very' because it's an unnecessary word. I don't subscribe entirely to that guideline, but I think this is one of the cases where it rings true. 'Very' doesn't add anything here.
The shadows were already growing along
Do you mean growing long? 'Along' seems a bit strange.
Before he realized what he was doing, he had pulled open the door, the action accompanied by the sound of a tinkling bell.
I don't much like the bold. It's a picky point, but it just seems so wordy. You could have something a lot simpler, for example:
Before he realized what he was doing, he had pulled open the door. The shop bell tinkled above him.
Just a suggestion, as always. I always feel like if you can get away without saying 'the sound of' and give a specific verb instead that tells you about the sound, you should.
There was a front desk covered in stacks of paper and... things.
with a trace of a smile on his bettered face
Bettered? Is that a typo? I've looked the word up in the dictionary and can't seem to find a sense that fits it in this context.
No issues with the rest of the chapter! I really like Mr Vaughn. In a way, he's actually kind of suspicious ('you'll do quite nicely' is a very ominous thing to say), but I can't help but trust him. He just seems calm and interesting, and seems touched by some clairvoyant/mind reading powers. One thing I didn't get was why Finnley didn't think 'wait what??' when Vaughn mentioned the pizzas. Even if he brushed it off, I'd expect Finnley to dwell on it for a while and wonder how he knew about it.
Nevertheless, I am excited to see what happens when Finnley starts working there. I feel like he's going to find a lot of the answers that he's after in that place.
Cool end too! I'm intrigued by what Mia's plan is going to be, and why she seems so sly and smug about it. I'm a bit confused as to why Finnley was surprised to see her, though. Didn't he buy the pizza for her? Or was it just for him? I just assumed that since it was a cheese topping it was going to be Mia's, and thus that he must have been expecting to meet her after he was done job-hunting. Might need to clarify that a bit more, or maybe I just missed something.
That's all for this review. I'll get on with reading the next bit - I want to find out what Mia's plan is!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
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