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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 8.2

by Que


It wasn't that it would be hard for Finnley to get a job, it was just that he wasn't interested in any. There were all sorts of good reasons not to take perfectly reasonable jobs: too social, too formal, too constricting, too everything. Nothing seemed to fit. He'd actually wanted to work at the small pet shop, because he knew animals, but they weren't looking to hire. Figured.

Mia was his friend, but she insisted that people would be more interested in hiring someone who looked independent and could speak for himself without looking to her for help. She had a very valid point, and so Finnley had been wandering around town all afternoon.

He glanced at his watched and sighed. 4:37. Soon enough, it would be dinner time. The shadows were already growing along, he noted with displeasure. Mia was probably sitting on her couch, awaiting a pizza. As he crossed a street, hands stuffed deep into his pockets, he glanced down the road to his right. He had thought that most of those stores were closed, but... Then what was that brightly colored sign?

Curiosity piqued, Finnley wandered down the street, passed the empty store fronts to the vibrant sign. In lime green lettering, it read, "Vaughn's Antiques". They had an antique store? Finnley never would have guessed. Before he realized what he was doing, he had pulled open the door, the action accompanied by the sound of a tinkling bell.

"Hello?" he called into the sun streaked depths of the store. There was a front desk covered in stacks of paper and... Things. Finnley couldn't describe it. The whole store was full of things- there seemed to be no rhyme, no reason, and also no price tags. Tiny brass telescopes, odd leather cases, beaded necklaces, and foreign coins littered the tables. Finnley stared in wonder at the trinkets.

Despite the sea of objects, something was tugging at his eye... there was a small sketch of a girl walking into the forest. Following someone with long claws and a gaping mouth. Finnley's stomach churned. There was no doubt about what that was. But how-?

"Something caught your eye?" came a sudden voice. Finnley whirled to see an old man standing at the bottom of a spiral staircase he hadn't even seen tucked into the back.

"Yes... Mr. Vaughn?" Finnley said tentatively.

"That's right," the man replied with a trace of a smile on his bettered face as he creaked towards Finnley.

"Could you tell me about this drawing?" he asked, trying to sound casual. He held up the sketch.

The old man shrugged. "Every object has a story. This story happens to be just that: a story. It's a drawing from a bit of old folklore." Though he tried to sound casual, Finnley had seen the shadow that had passed over his eyes when he saw the picture. "Are you interested in buying it?"

Finnley hesitated, but having this drawing, a drawing of the thing he still couldn't believe himself to believe was real, would only solidify his fears. And explaining it to his mother? It was laughable. "It doesn't have a price tag," he said instead.

Mr. Vaughn truly smiled this time. "Could you put a price on these objects, these odds and ends? That's why they're here. The value isn't in the object itself, not on its own. It changes with the person who's buying it." Finnley decided in that moment that he liked Mr. Vaughn, and that he would very much like to work at that antique store.

"I really came in here looking for a part time job," he admitted honestly. Mr. Vaughn's eyes twinkled.

"No one ever comes in here for the reasons they think," he said mysteriously. Then he seemed to silently consider something before nodding to himself. "Yes, I could use a hand in here. You'll do quite nicely."

Finnley blinked. Whatever he'd expected, it wasn't that. "Oh- do I need to submit an application?"

Mr. Vaughn just smiled at him. "Not at all. I expect you here after school on Monday, though, and tomorrow morning at nine for... Training." Finnley had no idea what the old man had in mind, but it didn't seem typical of a job. "What's your name, boy?" He didn't say boy in a derogatory or condescending way, which was unusual for adults.

"Finnley," he replied, pausing near the door.

"Finnley," the man mused, repeating his name. Then he made eye contact with him and grinned. "You'd better head out- I think you owe someone pizza." Mr. Vaughn was gone before Finnley could question him. He quickly left the store and hurried the the pizza place. That man knew something- maybe he could help them. He would have been inclined to think it was Mia's lost uncle Fred if he hadn't been so very old.

"One cheese pizza," he said, the thought of his mother and added, "and a pepperoni and mushroom, please." He handed the blank faced worker- probably a kid from his same high school- the proper amount of money. Whatever the heck his new job was, it wouldn't be boring like jobs such as this. Of that, Finnley was absolutely certain. The kid handed him his change and he carried the two pizzas home.

He knocked on the door with his foot; he had no hand free to open it himself, and the pizza was rapidly cooling. Mrs. Bale answered the door. "Finnley!" she said, surprised. Her eyes darted to the side, where Mia was hurriedly standing from the couch.

"Mia?" Finnley asked, incredulous. "What are you doing here?" She gave him a warning, we'll-talk-about-this-later glance before smirking.

"Good timing with that pizza! I'm famished- you really took your sweet time, didn't you?" He couldn't help smiling at her, couldn't wait to hear what she thought of the antique shop.

As Finnley set the pizza on the kitchen table and they all gathered around it, Mia leaned in close to his ear with a devilish grin. "I have a plan," was all she said, her voice barely a breath. 


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Sun Jan 07, 2018 5:34 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Querencia. Dropping in for another quick review. Small grammar changes will be shown in blue.

It wasn't that it would be hard for Finnley to get a job, it was just that he wasn't interested in any. There were all sorts of good reasons not to take perfectly reasonable jobs: too social, too formal, too constricting, too everything.


I don't really buy that Finnley would walk around town and find that tons of places were hiring, even for part-time work. In this day and age (at least where I live) it's more of a case of beggars not being able to be choosers. And don't shops and stuff not like it anymore when people just wander in asking for work? Unless there's an actual sign advertising it outside. I don't know, I just reckon he'd have a much harder time finding offers than he currently seems to.

She had a very valid point


I forget who said it, but there's that old rule that you should go through your work and delete every instance of 'very' because it's an unnecessary word. I don't subscribe entirely to that guideline, but I think this is one of the cases where it rings true. 'Very' doesn't add anything here.

The shadows were already growing along


Do you mean growing long? 'Along' seems a bit strange.

Before he realized what he was doing, he had pulled open the door, the action accompanied by the sound of a tinkling bell.


I don't much like the bold. It's a picky point, but it just seems so wordy. You could have something a lot simpler, for example:

Before he realized what he was doing, he had pulled open the door. The shop bell tinkled above him.

Just a suggestion, as always. I always feel like if you can get away without saying 'the sound of' and give a specific verb instead that tells you about the sound, you should.

There was a front desk covered in stacks of paper and... things.


with a trace of a smile on his bettered face


Bettered? Is that a typo? I've looked the word up in the dictionary and can't seem to find a sense that fits it in this context.

No issues with the rest of the chapter! I really like Mr Vaughn. In a way, he's actually kind of suspicious ('you'll do quite nicely' is a very ominous thing to say), but I can't help but trust him. He just seems calm and interesting, and seems touched by some clairvoyant/mind reading powers. One thing I didn't get was why Finnley didn't think 'wait what??' when Vaughn mentioned the pizzas. Even if he brushed it off, I'd expect Finnley to dwell on it for a while and wonder how he knew about it.

Nevertheless, I am excited to see what happens when Finnley starts working there. I feel like he's going to find a lot of the answers that he's after in that place.

Cool end too! I'm intrigued by what Mia's plan is going to be, and why she seems so sly and smug about it. I'm a bit confused as to why Finnley was surprised to see her, though. Didn't he buy the pizza for her? Or was it just for him? I just assumed that since it was a cheese topping it was going to be Mia's, and thus that he must have been expecting to meet her after he was done job-hunting. Might need to clarify that a bit more, or maybe I just missed something.

That's all for this review. I'll get on with reading the next bit - I want to find out what Mia's plan is!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Mon May 22, 2017 10:58 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



OH MAN WHAT A PLACE TO LEAVE OFF

but at least you let us know Mia has a plan instead of just leaving me wondering, "WHAT DOES SHE NEED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT LATER??????????" which would have been just awful.

Antique store!!! Of all the retail-ish jobs he could've gotten, that one's probably the best. Or at least one of the best. Of course, it's kind of tough I think when prices are going to depend mostly on how much customers are willing to pay for something, because you've still got to turn a profit and how are you going to know how much Mr. Vaughn paid for any particular item?

Unless he just sort of found them all, I guess, but that seems a bit unlikely. I mean, there are only so many things you can find and get for free, really.

I do like Mr. Vaughn's realization that not everything antique is going to be worth the same to everyone, but also: does he not have an inkling of the potential values of certain antiques? Like. Some stuff actually is quite valuable, and if some dude only wants to pay $5 for it, well, that's his problem, because you could find some collector who's willing to pay thousands.

ANYWAY. That's beside the point.

NEW QUESTION: Mr. Vaughn's magic, right? Because

Then he made eye contact with him and grinned. "You'd better head out- I think you owe someone pizza."


HOW DID HE KNOW???

I mean, I guess he's ~probably~ not Mia's long-lost Uncle Fred, but...something. He's mysterious, and I like it.

And then Finnley's mom goes on the adventure too and they're like one big happy family




Que says...


Hehe I was really just looking for something wise and cool sounding for Mr. Vaughn to say, but also he knows his stuff. And how important intentions are. Aaaaaand maybe he knows more than he should, but he's very secretive. ;) I want Finnley's mom to go on adventure so bad I just don't know where to work it in yet :,)



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Mon May 22, 2017 2:08 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello Falconer! I'm just dropping by for a review.

I'm really wondering right now if Mr. Vaughn is really Mia's uncle despite Finnley's thoughts...and about that picture of the girl. It's so strange about how he also can kind of know about the pizza. I'm also curious about the new job! Even though there wasn't too much of a conflict-y tension here, it kept me reading and I think that's a great thing :)

Mia was his friend, but she insisted that people would be more interested in hiring someone who looked independent and could speak for himself without looking to her for help.


The "was his friend" felt a little awkward here. Perhaps it could be "could have helped him".

I really like what Mr. Vaughn says, like "Every object has a story" and the fact that value changes with person. The latter especially resonates with me. Some stuff are VERY valuable to some people while not so much for others. It also makes me wonder if Mia actually knows the store owner. Makes me think that it was a little set-up to draw Finnley to Mr. Vaughn. I don't know. It may be just a little off-the-mark thinking too.

So I actually don't have so much critiques about this chapter. I've been sitting and thinking about the main plot of your story and I think it's progressing at a rather nice speed--not too rushed, not too slow. I really like Mia and Finnley's friendship--not really veering toward a romance but more like a buddy-buddy relationship. The only thing I might have wanted to see was more of the atmosphere of the store. Finding the right word to suit a "feeling" can develop an atmosphere more. I think I see some of it, but maybe sounds and smells and tastes can also work it out further. Doing a description dump is as boring as exposition dump, but perhaps some other senses could be worked into the description!

I believe that's all I've got to say! Just PM me if you have any questions or comments!

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Mon May 22, 2017 9:53 am
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RavenBlack wrote a review...



Hey Raven Black here!

Let's start with the positives :-)

-Intriguing characters - Finnley is so relatable, I need a job but I don't want to go through the hassle of getting one. It was nice to see someone else who feels the same way. But the character that really got my attention was the man in the antique store. He's got this mysterious, enchanting vibe. I think he's going to prove useful in the future.

-Great description, not too much or too little. Plus you were showing rather than telling me, a technique I struggle with but it good that you can do it because it makes the reader have to think for themselves.

Time for the negative :-(

- This is probably because I haven't read the other chapters but I didn't really know what the plot was, other than him looking for a job.

- 4:37, isn't that a little too early for dinner...

- "Every object has a story. This story happens to be just that: a story..."

This part confused me, probably because you used story three time in a sentence but also pointed out the obvious. "This story happens to be just that: a story..."

Other than that, great piece.

Keep Writing xx




Que says...


Thanks for the review! Well, yes, Fin's goal here is to find a part time job while Mia hatches a plan. Most of the other chapters are different. Also the whole story thing was Mr. Vaughn convincing Finnley that the story was just a story- fictional, not real. True, 4:37 isn't dinner time, but by the time Finnley gets a job, buys pizza, and walks home it will be and he knows it. :)



Que says...


Thanks for the review! Well, yes, Fin's goal here is to find a part time job while Mia hatches a plan. Most of the other chapters are different. Also the whole story thing was Mr. Vaughn convincing Finnley that the story was just a story- fictional, not real. True, 4:37 isn't dinner time, but by the time Finnley gets a job, buys pizza, and walks home it will be and he knows it. :)




I don't do time.
— Liberty