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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 12.1

by Que


September 28 • Saturday

5:32 pm

"I've never been one of the 'rule breakers', whether that's good or bad. I'm naturally inclined to fade into the shadows, and I guess that means following the rules. That's how you stay unnoticed.

"The thing that draws me from my hiding places and into open, rule-breaking territory is a good cause. I'm not fond of those who challenge rules just because they can; it's just a show of strength, or stupidity, and it doesn't matter much. But for truth, for the safety of others, for the preservation of good, I would do it. Maybe that's because my rule breaking is in the spirit of the rule itself, if that makes any sense.

"Whatever the reasons or the misgivings, here I go.

"-F-"

:1 New Comment:

"Take a chill pill. Relax. Would you rather face your mother if she found out or another one of those creatures in the woods? Honestly.

"~M"

:1 Reply:

"I'd take a monster any day.

"-F-"

:1 Reply:

"Shouldn't you already be over here?

"~M"

Finnley could practically hear the snarkiness in the reply. He smiled at that, though Mia was right. He was just adjusting his tie- matching red, of course- and picking up his keys. He and Mia had stocked up the trunk of his mom's car just that morning, filling it with any supplies they deemed necessary. This included, of course, Mia's softball bats and a bunch of food smuggled out of Finnley's pantry "just in case". They agreed that they would each put in a change of clothes as well, because dress clothes are rather noticeable, not to mention uncomfortable.

Deciding that he looked presentable enough, Finnley walked out to the car. His mother came running up behind him, camera clutched tight in her hands. She was beaming at him, which made him unsettled. He absolutely hated it when he had to lie to her, and knowing that she would be worried sick over him if she knew what he was doing made everything worse.

"Finnley! Hold on, I've got to come over with you for pictures!" she said. It was practically a squeal of happiness. The two got into the car and Finnley drove them to Mia's house. Mrs. Bale was chattering endlessly the whole way. When Finnley parked, the bats in the trunk shifted with a loud thunk! noise.

"What was that?" his mom asked, startled.

"Oh... just some books I had back there," Finnley said awkwardly, waving his hand as if it were truly no big deal. His mom seemed satisfied and they walked up to the front door. Finnley had barely touched his knuckles to the wood to knock when the door flew open.

Mia's dad was standing in the open entrance, staring down at him. "This is my daughter you're taking to the dance," he said ominously, and Finnley nearly squeaked. He swallowed down his fear and tried to stand up straight. "You'd better treat her proper, you hear me?"

"Uh," Finnley said in a tiny voice, then cleared his throat. "Uh, yes, y-yes of course." He laughed a bit nervously- this breaking the rules thing was getting to him, and he hadn't even broken any yet.

Mr. Hart burst out laughing. "That was great! Don't you worry, I trust you. You're practically all she talks about, and you're a nice kid. Actually, it was her idea to give you a little scare."

Finnley barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes- of course it was Mia's idea. Now if only he could get his heart rate back down to a normal range. "Ah, of course. Um, is Mia ready yet?"

"Of course I am!" a voice called from somewhere deep within the house. Her dad smiled behind him.

"Oh! I see you're mom's here to take pictures. Hello Mrs. Bale! Why don't you two come into the living room? A little plant-heavy, but a good place for pictures." The two of them stepped inside, and as soon as they were in, Mia dramatically descended the stairs, somehow retaining perfect gracefulness.

Finnley's jaw dropped. Whatever he had expected, it wasn't this. Mia was indeed dressed in red, a rich scarlet dress made of a flowing, shimmering material. Her hair fell about her shoulders like pure obsidian, and her wrists and neck glittered with jewelry. And somehow, miraculously, she was walking elegantly down those stairs in tall black heels.

"You look beautiful!" Finnley stammered as his mother and her father turned to go into the living room. Then he lowered his voice and hissed at her, "I thought we weren't going to the actual dance! You're so... so dressed up, but you didn't actually need to be!" Finnley was rather distraught- he didn't know what it was about her outfit, but there was something quite overwhelming about the whole ordeal.

"Yes, but THEY don't know that," Mia whispered back. "Besides, when I get the opportunity to dress up for once, why waste it on simplicity?" Typical Mia. Finnley almost sighed in relief. He had been worried that... well, worried about something. He couldn't put his finger on it.

Mia's mother joined them in the living room and Finnley endured far too many pictures from his perspective. He could've sworn that they could make a stop motion animation of the past twenty minutes. Finally, they send him off with Mia, the Harts helpfully offering to drive Mrs. Bale back home. Finnley couldn't have been more grateful.

He didn't stop panicking until he had gotten in the car alone with Mia, closed the doors, and driven a block away. Then he pulled over and glanced at Mia. "Thank goodness that's over," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You want to change into your other clothes?"

Mia shrugged. "Well, I took all this effort to wear this fancy dress, so I think I'm good." She adjusted the settings on the passenger seat so she could lean back, then whipped a pair of sunglasses from her purse and slipped them on. "Adventure! To Uncle Fred's!" she cried, pointing forward dramatically. "Forward!"

Finnley was happy to oblige, pulling into the street and working his way to the highway, where they were truly on their way. Finnley adjusted himself to the idea that they were breaking the rules, that they were driving an hour and a half away to meet Mia's crazy uncle and ditching the school dance they were supposed to be at.

He was finally getting comfortable, the tension in his shoulders just staring to ease- which was why he screamed when he looked into the rearview mirror only to see Monica sitting in the backseat. 


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Wed Jan 31, 2018 10:05 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hii, Querencia. You can't get rid of me. I'm like a limpet.

:1 New Comment:

"Take a chill pill. Relax. Would you rather face your mother if she found out or another one of those creatures in the woods? Honestly.

"~M"

:1 Reply:

"I'd take a monster any day.

"-F-"

:1 Reply:

"Shouldn't you already be over here?

"~M"


I love these comments. The blog entries generally don't hold my interest that well, but these comments make it so much funnier and more real, if you get what I mean. It stops it from feeling like an abstract musing and makes it seem more like an actual thing that exists within the universe, if you get what I mean. It's good.

They agreed that they would each put in a change of clothes as well, because dress clothes are rather noticeable, not to mention uncomfortable.


The present tense isn't grammatically incorrect here, but was a bit jarring to read against the rest of the narrative. I feel like 'were' would feel more natural, but it's up to you.

Mrs. Bale was chattering


I feel like I've figured out why it jars me when you refer to her as 'Mrs Bale' - it's because it feels too distant from Finnley's viewpoint. Yes, this is written in third person, but it's framed from Finnley's POV, which makes it seem like he's referring to his own mother as 'Mrs Bale', which is obviously a bit weird. You need to make sure you refer to characters in ways that are consistent with the POV character's relationship to them, otherwise it leads to us feeling pulled out of their perspective.

Mr. Hart burst out laughing. "That was great! Don't you worry, I trust you. You're practically all she talks about, and you're a nice kid. Actually, it was her idea to give you a little scare."


Hah, typical Mia.

I see you're mom's here


Tut tut :P

"Besides, when I get the opportunity to dress up for once, why waste it on simplicity?" Typical Mia. Finnley almost sighed in relief. He had been worried that... well, worried about something. He couldn't put his finger on it.


Hmm, worried about what? That she'd been putting the effort in for him? I think you handle Finnley's nonplussed reaction really well, by the way.

He could've sworn that they could make a stop motion animation of the past twenty minutes.


I love this line! I'm probably going to steal it and use it in conversation the next time my Dad decides he wants to take a million photos of the same view.

Looking over it, it could be a tad snappier, though. You could shorten it to something like: 'They could've made a stop motion animation of the past twenty minutes'. Up to you, of course.

He was finally getting comfortable, the tension in his shoulders just staring to ease- which was why he screamed when he looked into the rearview mirror only to see Monica sitting in the backseat.


My god, what? How? When? Of all the things I expected, it wasn't that. You sure are getting good at taking me by surprise. Why on earth is she there? How did they not notice her when they got in? What's going to happen if they bring her along? This is the kind of thing that should be the end of a full chapter, not just a half chapter.

Wow. Okay. This was a pretty polished chapter to start with, but that ending was the icing on the cake. I really want to know what's going to happen next.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Que says...


Thanks again for all the lovely reviews. <3 I honestly think most of my pacing problems stem from LMS, but I%u2019ll remember to smooth those out when revising. And thanks for being so critical. :)



Panikos says...


You're welcome! As long as it helps. :)



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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello hello :)

So Mia is going to go on some crazy mission with a beautiful ball gown? <.< I predict that it'll be a mess unless she changes into a shirt and jeans. Has Finnley himself changed out of his tuxedo or he won't bother? And they're DITCHING THE DANCE. Somebody will eventually notice, and consequences...AH.

I definitely, really, need more of this. What's happening next now that Monica has somehow snuck in and I can easily imagine Finnley screaming--it's SO shocking. And then nobody noticed? O-O, that's so weird and I think there's more to this girl can be seen at the beginning. I don't know if that's only me, but even before reaching the highway wouldn't he have checked his rear mirror? I suppose he would check it and also use his own head to peer out to make sure they aren't hitting any cars....right?

Maybe this segment could have been slowed down a little, especially right before they're going. The pacing feels quite fast and I'm feeling as though the tension here might have been rushed a little. But then it's possible that I'm totally off with this remark, so best to take this with a grain of salt c:

Blue already talked about having no scene with Mr. Vaughn and I agree that not seeing Finnley work there (at least in the chapter) made me wonder a little, so I'll skip over that and talk about one more thing: the blog. I mean, I'm wondering if Mrs. Bale will happen to read THIS entry and then realize, "Is my son really going to dance with Mia or not????" Cause I can easily imagine an anxious mother checking up on her son's blog to see if he's okay or not. And especially with the little chat going on in the comments--she might smell a rat if she saw that. *imagines how suspicious she might be if she reads it after Finnley left with Mia*

So! I'm done here and eager for the next part!




Que says...


Thanks for the review! And of course Finnley has checked the rearview mirror, he's such a good little driver... it's just that Monica hasn't popped up until now. ;) And sorry I paced it so fast, I'm just TOO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. There's been a lack of action, other than some social drama, and I'm just so ready to jump into the next bit here. I wanted to get all the way to Monica by the end of the chapter, so I was kind of aware that I was rushing it, haha. Definitely going to smooth over job stuff more when I go back and rewrite, again I'm just not really sure where I want to go with that part of things yet so I'm putting it off. I think, in terms of Mrs. Bale, that she's a good mother but also one who loves her son. She wants to protect him, but he's asked that she not search for his blog, and it's anonymous. So she won't go looking for it, and probably wouldn't find it anyway. She has no reason (as of yet, really) to be suspicious of Finnley and feel the need to check up on his blog, so she respects his wishes. Though I'm sure Mia and Finnley's wild rampages tonight will not go entirely unchecked. ;) I am also eager for the next part-- It will be up on Monday! :D Thanks again.



PrincessInk says...


Oh, I see...that makes a lot of sense. I'm also excited for the next part--and it's coming soon! :D

By the way, this is quite unrelated but I'd like to ask which character is your favorite to write--I know that some writers have a couple of favorites xD



Que says...


I love writing both Mia and Finnley! And just their interactions with each other, that's the best part. Although honestly I relate so much to Mrs. Bale, trying to ship her child with other people. XD I'm also really excited about Monica- I haven't written her a lot, but she'll be back more and I can't wait for that. :)



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BluesClues wrote a review...



Omg

Mia going off to Uncle Fred's and then to fight a monster in a kick-butt ballgown, jewelry, and heels? Um, YES.

Also, Finnley screaming at Monica in the backseat. Like, I know he didn't know she was there. But still. It's only Monica. And I'm curious to see why she's there! Did Mia invite her? Did she sneak in? Does she know about all of this?

I have to admit, I'm kind of wondering where Finn's boss is and what's going on with him. I know you mentioned in the last chapter you thought Finnley would have to go to work before talking to Mia - maybe we could see him then? We left off finding out his store is mobile (in a manner of speaking), and then there was that woman who came to visit him on a matter of apparent urgency, but we haven't seen or heard from him since then (that I recall). I don't know if he's going to randomly show up at Uncle Fred's or something, but since he was made out to be all mysterious, I think we definitely need him to show up again in the plot somewhere.

Image




Que says...


Thank you!! And yeah, Mia totally had to go in style. ;) I just figured Finnley would scream because he's a bit twitchy, and I would be terrified to find someone in my back seat, even if it was someone I knew. Maybe he should just be startled? And I totally agree with you about Mr. Vaughn. I've been trying to balance the different aspects of everything- dealing with Sylvie, AND the monsters in the forest and Uncle Fred, AND Mr. Vaughn and his shop. When I go back and edit, I'm going to try to cross things over so that different conflicts come up in different situations. Besides, I'm still a little unsure of what direction I want to ultimately take the antique shop, so that's another reason why I was holding back. I'm going to try and do some brainstorming on that topic, try to figure out the best plan there. Thank you so much though! I always really appreciate your feedback. <3



BluesClues says...


I always enjoy reading it :) I know what you mean about not being sure of the direction - it's the blessing and the curse of first drafts. Luckily, for LMS purposes, that just sort of means the story can go on longer and you can keep posting longer!




Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday