Hii, Querencia. You can't get rid of me. I'm like a limpet.
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"Take a chill pill. Relax. Would you rather face your mother if she found out or another one of those creatures in the woods? Honestly.
"~M"
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"I'd take a monster any day.
"-F-"
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"Shouldn't you already be over here?
"~M"
I love these comments. The blog entries generally don't hold my interest that well, but these comments make it so much funnier and more real, if you get what I mean. It stops it from feeling like an abstract musing and makes it seem more like an actual thing that exists within the universe, if you get what I mean. It's good.
They agreed that they would each put in a change of clothes as well, because dress clothes are rather noticeable, not to mention uncomfortable.
The present tense isn't grammatically incorrect here, but was a bit jarring to read against the rest of the narrative. I feel like 'were' would feel more natural, but it's up to you.
Mrs. Bale was chattering
I feel like I've figured out why it jars me when you refer to her as 'Mrs Bale' - it's because it feels too distant from Finnley's viewpoint. Yes, this is written in third person, but it's framed from Finnley's POV, which makes it seem like he's referring to his own mother as 'Mrs Bale', which is obviously a bit weird. You need to make sure you refer to characters in ways that are consistent with the POV character's relationship to them, otherwise it leads to us feeling pulled out of their perspective.
Mr. Hart burst out laughing. "That was great! Don't you worry, I trust you. You're practically all she talks about, and you're a nice kid. Actually, it was her idea to give you a little scare."
Hah, typical Mia.
I see you're mom's here
Tut tut
"Besides, when I get the opportunity to dress up for once, why waste it on simplicity?" Typical Mia. Finnley almost sighed in relief. He had been worried that... well, worried about something. He couldn't put his finger on it.
Hmm, worried about what? That she'd been putting the effort in for him? I think you handle Finnley's nonplussed reaction really well, by the way.
He could've sworn that they could make a stop motion animation of the past twenty minutes.
I love this line! I'm probably going to steal it and use it in conversation the next time my Dad decides he wants to take a million photos of the same view.
Looking over it, it could be a tad snappier, though. You could shorten it to something like: 'They could've made a stop motion animation of the past twenty minutes'. Up to you, of course.
He was finally getting comfortable, the tension in his shoulders just staring to ease- which was why he screamed when he looked into the rearview mirror only to see Monica sitting in the backseat.
My god, what? How? When? Of all the things I expected, it wasn't that. You sure are getting good at taking me by surprise. Why on earth is she there? How did they not notice her when they got in? What's going to happen if they bring her along? This is the kind of thing that should be the end of a full chapter, not just a half chapter.
Wow. Okay. This was a pretty polished chapter to start with, but that ending was the icing on the cake. I really want to know what's going to happen next.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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