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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 10.1

by Que


September 24 • Tuesday

2:09 pm

"Sometimes, every once in a while, you get a day like a downhill roller coaster. It starts out all fine and normal, no different from any other day, but something bad happens. You can't shrug it off or get over it, and before you have a chance to let go, something else happens. It goes on like that for the whole day and before you know it, you're crushed under an avalanche of misfortune. Since the entirety of last year was like that, I have no idea how to stop it.

"Who manages the roller coaster of life? I'd like to tell him to please stop the "ride" so I can get off and never get on again. There's a reason that I try not to get myself noticed.

"-F-"

Finnley's "roller coaster" had started in second period that morning. He was sitting in his seat, waiting for the bell to ring and the passing period to end. Some girls were giggling in the corner, and while that was nothing out of the ordinary, they appeared to be giggling at him. Which meant he was being noticed, which was an oddity in and of itself. Finnley sighed with relief when the bell rang, sagging in his chair. However, the teacher was running late. He crossed his fingers that Mr. Benner came quickly, despite disliking his teaching methods.

Mr. Brenner didn't come. The group of girls pushed one of them forward from their mass, and she picked her way over to Finnley, all the while looking in other places. Finally, she came up to him and leaned against his desk, looking like she'd only just spotted him. She was wearing a sheer, lacy shirt and a pair of those overalls that were actually shorts that all the girls like her loved to wear. Finnley detested her instantly.

"Hi there," she said, batting her eyes. They were heavily cloaked in makeup. She extended a bejeweled hand, full of all sorts of rings. Her perfect nails were a violent shade of pink. Finnley didn't shake it, and she put it down, her painted lips puckered into a pout. "I'm Sylvie."

"Finnley," he managed to get out. He wasn't sure if he wanted to flee in terror or tell her that she had something on her face.

"Finnley," she repeated, testing out the sound. He didn't like the way she said it. "Hi. So, l saw you sitting all alone over here, and thought I'd seen you before. You're very cute." Her fingers drummed on the desk, long nails clicking. He didn't say anything, and her eyes narrowed. She leaned in, hoop earrings swinging dangerously close. "Homecoming's this weekend, and I haven't got a date. I was wondering if..." She trailed off, looking him straight in the eye while he squirmed in discomfort.

"Oh. Um. Well. If that's it," he said, stumbling over his words. He really didn't like interacting with other people, especially not people like this.

"Yes, that's it." She smiled like she was sharing a secret with him. Finnley craned his head to check if Mr. Brenner was there yet- no luck.

He breathed in deep, collecting himself. He was going to say this all at once and get it over with. "I'm sorry. I've already asked someone else to homecoming this year. I'm sure there are plenty of other people you could ask, though."

Sylvie drew back rather sharply. "I see," she sniffed. "And may I ask who it is that would be better than me?"

Finnley's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He didn't even know the girl! Had she expected him to notice her earlier? She hadn't even known his name. "I'm awfully sorry," he said, struggling to stay polite. He was itching to pull his sweater up over his eyes and hide. "We didn't even know each other before now, so I'm not sure what you were expecting."

"I see you didn't hear my question: who are you going with?" Sylvie flashed her teeth- more like bared them- in a fierce smile.

"Mia Hart," Finnley snapped. He was tired of this conversation- he just wanted Mr. Brennan to come in so he could get to this stupid class. Anything would be better than this. "I'm going with Mia and not you, so you should just stop caring now and leave me alone!" He meant it to be forceful, but his nerves were failing him and it didn't come out quite like he intended.

"You could always tell her you can't make it, come with me instead," she said, leaning forward again. Finnley cringed away. What the heck was this? He had gone from unnoticed to being persuaded to ditch his date for a random girl at homecoming- and he wasn't even going to the real homecoming.

Thankfully, Mr. Brennan puffed in before Finnley had to try to respond again. "Students! Take your seats!" he bellowed. "I know I was late, but that shouldn't change your routine!" Sulking, Sylvie slunk away, whispering with her friends again. Finnley breathed in relief- it was over. What a foolish thought that had been.

The girls- Sylvie and her entire group of ladies- had ambushed him at lunch, surrounding him and chattering endlessly. Finnley could see Mia across the lunchroom, could see the pain flash across her face as she walked away. He tried to escape from the crowd of girls, but he found it quite impossible. It reminded him of those Chinese finger traps he had played with as a child, where the harder you pull, the tighter it got. The more he tried to get away from the girls, the more constructing the group became. Soon, he couldn't see Mia at all.

In his next class, the buzz of a text had him scrambling for his phone, despite the school policy against it. It was from Mia:

"What happened to The Plan?"

Finnley shook his head. "What do you mean?" he texted back. The phone buzzed again with her reply, but the teacher noticed and shot Finnley a dark look. He slid the phone back in his backpack. 


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Fri Jan 19, 2018 6:38 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Querencia! Pan dropping in for another quick review.

Finally, she came up to him and leaned against his desk, looking like she'd only just spotted him. She was wearing a sheer, lacy shirt and a pair of those overalls that were actually shorts that all the girls like her loved to wear. Finnley detested her instantly.


I always jars me reading American stories where kids don't wear a school uniform at school, haha. Like, you mean you didn't have to suffer through clip on ties that unravelled within weeks and horrible polyester blazers? Crazy.

Turning my attention to a point with some purpose, though, Finnley's first reaction to Sylvie kind of irritated me, because he takes a dislike to her before she's even done anything deplorable. It's not an unrealistic reaction, of course, because people do judge teen girls for wearing particular clothes and make up, but it still made me roll my eyes. Maybe it's because I own overall shorts and lacy shirts!

"Hi there," she said, batting her eyes. They were heavily cloaked in makeup. She extended a bejeweled hand, full of all sorts of rings. Her perfect nails were a violent shade of pink. Finnley didn't shake it, and she put it down, her painted lips puckered into a pout. "I'm Sylvie."


Furthermore, Finnley's actually being quite rude here by refusing to shake her hand. Where's that well-mannered young man from the last chapter, hm?

"I see," she sniffed. "And may I ask who it is that would be better than me?"


Okay, so now she starts getting a bit pantomime. She does seem like a flat-out stereotype, this Sylvie. So far, I'd guess that she's the popular school bully who is nasty to Mia because she's an oddball and is trying to seduce Finnley to get to her. And she's got to be clothes and make-up mad, of course, because all nasty girls are. I'm just concerned about cliché here, because I feel like Sylvie is a formula that I see a lot in teen fiction. It's tiring, and it doesn't feel very real to me.

Okay, that's about all for specific comments. On the positive side, I do think you capture Finnley's awkwardness very well, even if the predicament he's in stretches the suspension of disbelief a bit. To be clear, I don't actually think that the situation itself is unbelievable. I can completely believe that Mia would be a target at school because she is an unusual kid, and I can imagine insidious schoolgirls would try this kind of trick if they wanted to upset her. However, they're very obvious about it. And in my experience of insidious schoolgirls (which is thankfully not too extensive), they're subtle. They're great at making fun of you and pushing you into things without you even realising they're doing it, which is why it seems so odd for Sylvie to say 'oh just dump the other girl and come with me instead'. I feel like it would be more realistic and more effective if they were a bit craftier about it.

That's all for this review! I hope it helped.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Que says...


Sylvie has a bit of a different movtivation, but I get what you%u2019re saying about the stereotypicalness. Uhhh I just wanted to say thank you for all of the wonderful reviews you%u2019ve been writing, I really appreciate them and I can just see how useful they%u2019re going to be while revising. <3



Panikos says...


It did occur to me that maybe Sylvie's motivations were different to my predictions, but I'm glad the reviews are helping! :D



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Tue Jun 27, 2017 1:34 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey Falc!

So this is an awful state for both Finnley and Mia. Mia's hurt that Finnley's with the other girls, and Finnley is trying to get away from them. It is really like a roller coaster and I hope they can talk this out and straighten out any wrinkles in their friendship! Anyway. This Sylvie is SO annoying but it makes for an extra obstacle!

It's possible that if she notices that Mia and Finnley don't show up, she might report to somebody. Possibly? Anyway, this is great fodder for a subplot in the story. She could be an antagonist in her own way, you know, hampering Mia and Finnley's relationship.

Anyway.

The main critique I have for this chapter is that I'm not quite sure why Sylvie is suddenly so attracted to Finnley. So why did the girls pay attention to him in the first place? Had they noticed Mia and Finnley's friendship and had this irresistible urge to wreck it? I agree with Biscuits that Sylvie seems a bit flat, and she might need some motivations? The thing is, if somebody suddenly flirts with a boy who tries to stay in the shadows, that somebody probably has a reason to do so.

I really like the dialogue between him and Sylvie: the flirty behavior of the girl, and his awkwardness. I can easily relate to this, the feeling of "I want to get out of this place! Now!" It felt realistic to me. And Sylvie is SO pushy. Is she one of the ones the boys in school like, I wonder?




Que says...


Thanks for the review! And Sylvie isn't actually attracted to Finnley-- she has ulterior motives. ;) She totally has motivation to flirt with Finnley, and that reason is not at all Finnley. You'll seeeeeee. Eventually. It's actually more about Mia, but she's taking a different angle since she noticed their closeness. Also I was writing Sylvie's flirtiness and going "ew ew ew ew internally. Poor Finnley! XD



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Mon Jun 26, 2017 5:19 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi there, I'm really sorry I haven't read the other chapters of this but I'm here on behalf of the After Watch to keep the Green Room clear on the days after Review Day :)

Nit-picks and nice moments:

despite disliking his teaching methods.

I was expecting something stronger here.

He meant it to be forceful, but his nerves were failing him and it didn't come out quite like he intended.

What did it come out like? Some description of that might be helpful.

"I know I was late, but that shouldn't change your routine!"

Idk about your teachers, but mine normally wouldn't concede even that. They'd say something like, "We've lost enough time so let's get started now." despite the fact that they were the reason we'd lost time. Okay, maybe I'm just bitter :P

The girls- Sylvie and her entire group of ladies- had ambushed him at lunch

The "had" makes this sound like this scene happened before the previous scene.

Overall:

Character: I like the character of Finnley and find his wish not to talk to anyone very easy to sympathise with him :P I do think you might have portrayed the girls a little too two-dimensionally though. It might be nice to at least get a hint of her motivations. Maybe she's insecure? That would be my best guess, but not from anything in the story, just probability.

Setting: Not particularly relevant since it's a school, but the bit with the crowd is described really well, really urgently.

Plot: Your cliffhanger sounds rrrrreally ominous. Your plot in general is interesting and raises a lot of questions and I'm confident if I had read the other characters I'd care enough about Mia for this to be a really painful scene to watch unfold.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Que says...


Thanks for the review! I appreciate the advice. Though Sylvie isn't really insecure, she's just out to get someone. Kind of a revenge sort of thing, but she's trying to be pretty two dimensional here. I'm not sure, I haven't fully developed her yet. XD But I'm glad you relate to Finn. <3



ExOmelas says...


Cool, cool :)



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BluesClues wrote a review...



Oh no! Just leave me dangling, why don't you.

Mia didn't seem much like the jealous type, but then again I feel like probably people at school think she's kind of weird - so to see Finnley with all these girls who definitely 100% probably don't like her hurts a little.

On the one hand, I'm kind of like "Ugh, why are girls who are like the other girls inherently bad in these stories," but then again you had Finnley think "those overalls that were actually shorts that all the girls like her loved to wear." I appreciated that, that it's not that Mia's NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS or that Sylvie is EXACTLY LIKE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS, but merely that Sylvie's a particular type of girl.

Aaaaaaand that's it. Those are my only thoughts on this chapter, other than a general OH NO because Mia's feelings are hurt right now and Finnley can't even explain because he's in class!

Image




Que says...


Thanks for the review! Mia's not really jealous, per se, but she has... a history with Sylvie. Poor Finnley is just so confused. ;-; Also yeah it's not that girls who are like other girls are bad, there are quite a few (Finnley just ignores them and is ignored in turn) it's just these ones are trouble. Sorry about leaving you dangling!



BluesClues says...


Yeah, "jealous" wasn't quite the word but I wasn't sure how to put it. Like obviously she's not jealous in a romantic way, but she's like...hurt that he APPEARS to be spending time with these girls who are obviously not great news.

UGH I WANT MORE



Que says...


HOLD YOUR HORSES xD



BluesClues says...


BUT THEY'RE SO STRONG I mean have you ever actually tried to hold multiple horses when you're just a smallish human woman?



Que says...


...yes. Well, maybe only one horse. I can't remember. But they weren't actually trying that hard to get away.



BluesClues says...


Lucky. There must have been ample grass around to distract them! Alas, I am in a grocery store where nothing green grows. The horses are not pleased.




If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven - and very, very few persons.
— James Thurber