God, I love the personification of things like pain into ethereal entities! Honestly, if you're going to continue this series with other "friends" of fate, then I'd absolute love to read them. If it's not too much to ask, could you tag me or pm me if you go through with that? I'd really appreciate it!
On to the review:
The first I might recommend you do is really explain the entity of Pain to the reader. What are the rules that govern his existence? Why can some people see him, but some can't? What is his job, exactly? (For example, is he his own boss? Does someone else tell him what to do, or how much pain to distribute? Stuff like that.) You could call it world-building, I suppose, but it's more defining an existence. I imagine a lot of this stuff has been developed in your head, but you haven't explained it to the reader yet -- that's a very common mistake to make in this type of fiction! Try to give the reader enough for their imagination to work with. Mystery and intrigue are good, but not if there aren't any clues!
Additionally, I suggest that you make sure the story has a point. What happens to the girl, exactly? The reader has no clue! "One of her brothers felt a slight breeze in the air" is a good teaser, but it doesn't give us a solid hint. I imagine that, once again, you have a very cool idea of what has happened to her, but haven't told us enough. It just makes the reader feel a little left out
It's also possible that you were planning to bring these out later in the series, which is a fine idea, but don't keep us waiting too long! A few hints could still help
Still, I really did love the premise of the story, and I really hope you post more!
Points: 13147
Reviews: 108
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