*removed in respects for the second author*
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well this sounds right up my alley!
I love your first stanza! I'm not really sure why, but the words "Ear canal" really bothered me. It was too real, or graphic or something. Does that make sense? It brought me back a bit too fast to reality I guess. I like your "catapulted" line too, but I agree that perhaps a thesaurus would help...For instance is there any nonforceful way to catapult something?
I got lots of images from this. Keep at it!
-Tangerine
My favorite lines were these:
His eyes...
Wait.
He had no eyes from which to see,
This is because they seemed more true to the poem. The poem is wandering, sort of like Blanche's lines (Blance in "A Streetcar Named Desire," that is) and they seemed carelessly done, yet so true.
With that said, I think you're trying to force the words to come out. Instead of letting the poem relax and continue, it's almost like you're thinking about every single word so much that nothing is coming out. Relax and take a deep breath. Then write.
Also, I think what you might like to do is to browse the thesaurus and look for stronger words. I realize that right now you're going for a very simplistic effect, but I think you can do much better and present a vivid image of what you're trying to say.
Hope that helps!