Growing Older.

these are some quotes that think really go with your work. (lol just really love poetry and quotes.)

“An unbelieved truth can hurt a man much more than a lie. It takes great courage to back truth unacceptable to our times. There's a punishment for it, and it's usually crucifixion.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

Who so neglects learning in his youth loses the past and is dead to the future.

- Euripedes


“It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.”
― Gabriel García Márquez

what you say is so true. everyday I am all like.NOOOO I DON'T WANNA GROW UP.
because than when I grow up I have to be in the real world. and I don't like it. because all ever want to really do is live in a world. where I am respected and my views make changes . but sometimes that can't happen.

Hi there, first off welcome to YWS! And second, congratulations on posting your first poem! That's great!

I'm here to leave a little review.

I'll be using a form called the "Review Sandwich".

Top Bread - Praise
I did like that rather than just describing a person, you took the time to show growth and the aging process. I also thought the conclusion was nicely done where when they come to their earthly end they find "peace and quietness".

For a narrative poem you also established clear conflict (aging) and clear character (an older person going through aging and eventually death). I thought that the points of climax in the narrative structure of the poem could have been detailed out a bit more, especially the fall!

Meat - Suggestions
I have to say I found it a bit eerie that after the "fall" the speaker finds themselves covered in dirt! Is this an indication that they were mistakenly buried alive? A part of the fall? A sign of the resurrection? Or something else? For me that was the most dramatic part in the whole poem, and yet as a reader I didn't receive any answers. And to top it off, the speaker seemed totally unphased about being covered in dirt too! Which was I thought a strange reaction. I think I'd take out that line, if you're not trying to get into resurrection stuff, because it gets a bit messy for the reader to sort out what's happening.

There were a few grammar issues here and there. The "i" in this line was left uncapitalized: I no longer know if i'm in the same building".

I think "eye" should "eyes" if they're receiving "cataracts" (plural).

The capitalization was also inconsistent. Sometimes you capitalized the first word of the line, sometimes you didn't.

A quick edit through, will make the poem look cleaner and more polishd overall.

I liked the different areas of life you covered for the speaker and their aging, and that you covered bodily as well as emotional factors - I did find myself wanting to know a bit more about their relationships though. Who were these friends that they forgot? And who were the folks they no longer lusted over? Did they have a family? These sorts of relational details will make the character come alive and play to the sympathies of readers.

Bottom Bread - Overall Impressions/Interpretation
Overall I thought the meaning of the poem was to describe a speaker who is getting older and realizing that they're aging, then the speaker dies but ends up finding peace in death. The moral of the narrative I believe is that life is not all sunshine and rainbows, aging can be tricky and even painful, but there's an end to it all. And death is not something to fear, because at the end of our life there will be peace. The meaning seemed to be construed pretty clear from the poem overall - not a lot of ambiguity.


Nice work! I hope to see more poetry from you soon!

~alliyah


Here's the coding for this review format if you're ever interested in using it yourself:

CodeSelect all

Introduction

[b]Top Bread - Praise[/b]

[b]Meat - Suggestions[/b]

[b]Bottom Bread - Overall Impressions/Interpretation[/b]

Hello!

Snazzy here for a review! Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions feel free to ask me!

This poem to me gives off two very different feels, which makes it very confusing. For example, lines like “and the years die”, “Then my taste for lust ends”, and “only peace and quietness” give off a very sentimental but somewhat longing for youth kind of feel. However, lines like “I no longer know if I’m in the same building”, “the wax inside my ears deceive my hearing” and “the once strong eye receives cataracts” give off a humorous, almost satirical feel.

My suggestion is to take both of these ideas, or just your favorite or initial intention, and write poems based on each. The mixed emotions I get detract from the overall piece.

One last thing as far as diction goes; the speaker seems young at the beginning of the poem (“I feel more helpless”), but then throws in an “Alas!” which makes the speaker appear older. Just keep in mind the person/thing you’re writing in the POV of to make sure the vocabulary matches.

This poem does have a nice concept, and you have some great imagery (“my taste for lus” was gorgeous). Keep up the great work!

-Snazzy

HELLO!!! B here!!!

I am gonna review your first poem!!!

"As the months go by,

and the years die,

I feel more helpless and more responsible.

My once brown hair fades into a soul silver,

My hands ache and start to blister,

The once strong eye receives cataracts,

The wax inside my ears deceive my hearing,

I can no longer remember the name of my friends,

Then my taste for lust ends."

Okay, so this part shows some really god things about aging, and time. This is honestly my favorite thing!!

I didnt really find much wrong with your poem, other than...

"I can no longer remember the name of my friends,

Then my taste for lust ends."

Did you mean that you like....have alztimers???


BUT... other than that, I loved this, and I hope that you will write some more for me to read!!