Liquid bullets pelt,
Like fireflies,
Across the night,
Across the sky.
For moments, they illuminate,
Just whisk
Into the darkness,
Just, swish.
They patter, patter,
As cars wash by
In this eerie opulence
Of machine-made mankind.
The yellow lights are crusted,
An age old suspense
And so the rain carries on,
And so shall, forth hence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey, it's Serrurie, here to leave a review!
The Good Stuff
Okay, this poem feels very ominous and dark (which I've always been a sucker for). It reminds me of 1920s New York, but also a bit of sci-fi because of the 'machine-made mankind' line. Your writing style hints at a bit of a Shakespearean style, and overall I enjoyed it.
Room For Improvement
However, there are a few times when I think your grammar disrupts the poem's rhythm:
This pattern matches up with this: A B C, A B
And you repeat this here:
I think you were trying to do the same thing with matching the first two end lines' patterns as well, but it didn't quite work out:
This pattern is: A B, A B
But you use a different pattern in the next end-line:
This pattern is: A, B.
If that was your intention, sorry if I said anything. But if you're trying to keep the repetitive rhythm you have going on, just fix the number of syllables.
- This was a great poem! I really loved it, and the technique you have is awesome. Keep up the good work!
Have a blessed day!
Serrurie
Hey there, friend! My name is Ellie and I am here to leave a review on this lovely poem of yours! Let's jump right into the review:
I like the repetition of the word 'across' in this first part. Right from the start, you use sensory words and details to describe a thing and a feeling at the same time, which was cool. I believe you are describing rain. I almost didn't get that right away, but then I realized what you were describing! Wonderful job!
This whole poem is describing the rain. You do a lovely job with all of that, really! I liked the vocabulary you used. Normally, just reading about the rain would come across as boring, but I think you did a really great job at stretching it out in a way that kept me engaged throughout the entire thing. To me, I would love to see more of an emotional aspect attached to this poem. More thoughts or feelings associated with he rain, instead of just sensory details and observations. I would love to see more of a 'why' this was written and why it is important/what message you are trying to get across, besides the wonderful emotions you conveyed through descriptions.
Overall, sweet poems and I hope to see more of your poems soon! Keep writing and have a lovely day!
Your friend,
Ellie
Hello, Ezra! Or Novea if you prefer that ^^
I'm Wist, and I'm here to review your lovely poem here. Your lines are short, but that only shows your beautiful control of imagery and diction because each line is incredibly powerful despite its brevity. The onomatopoeia you use creates this breath-taking scene that the audience can hear. But, you also sprinkle in colors and lighting that provide a visual, so you have successfully created a portal to your poem's world. I cannot say this enough, but that is the best thing you can do for a poem. From the bottom of my heart, amazing job.
I have never heard of raindrops being called liquid bullets, but it's such a powerful image because the audience knows how fast the rain is going and that it's the type of rain that stings as it hits you. It's just such a specific description that it adds so much to the environment.
These are my favorite lines. Opulence is such a great word. It flows so smoothly into the next line. And machine-made mankind is such a wonderful statement. It carries such a depth of emotion. It's amazing.
Overall, this is a ten out of ten poem for me. You're so talented. I hope you write more poetry so I can review it. Thanks for publishing; I enjoyed reading.
Happy Writing!
Wist
Hello!
First off, this is a great poem! Short and sweet, with a lot of great imagery.
What I love most about this poem is that each of the four stanzas have words/phrases that repeat ('across the', 'just', 'pattee', and 'and so'), although they're each in different places in each stanza.
My favorite lines are probably "In this eerie opulence/Of machine-made manking." "Opulence" is a good word, and not one I've seen in poetry very often. I love to see it. I also like the alliteration in the latter line.
You did really well with all the imagery, including your metaphors and similies. The first few lines really grabbed my attention with the comparison of the "liquid bullets" to "fireflies."
Overall, it's a really good poem! I don't really have any critiques that would impact things very much. Great job!
Have an amazing day/night!