Published December 5, 2009
They live in a tiny world
Of empty space and gravity,
Of zip-zip motion and crazy eights.
They come in huge numbers
That we have no names for,
And they live to break apart bonds.
We’d keep them together,
But when do they listen?
It’s all a game of just the right time.
There are those pesky electrons
That weigh next to nothing,
And we all want to be like them.
The smaller we are, the more we can keep;
But the polished ones just lose it.
They come and they go,
Like wayward children
Until all we can hear are goodbyes.
And even the ionic crystals will tell you:
You can’t hold on if they're not your own.
Neutrons are narcissists but
We once believed their lies.
They said we were equals,
And then brought home their isotopes –
Now what are we to do?
Those silly electrons are outsiders,
But still we’d like to get to know them.
But we’re blocked by our wardens,
Angry oafs that keep us from running.
So we’re a happy family: the Nucleons.
Then we’re all so alike,
Robots confined to the laboratories.
We’d run away from our monotony
Because no one wants an eternity
Of looking into the same old mirror.
But we keep in our corners,
And what’s the use of attracting
If we never meet our opposites?
That’s the trouble with not being seen –
We can’t even slip through the cracks.
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139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
Hello Explosive Pen (I see you're being called "El").
)
I've never had a physics brain and I don't take physics, so I believe every word of that poem because I don't know any better
It's a brilliant poem though, I must say, even if I don't understand the terminology.
Personifying the proton is definately unique and makes the reader sort of feel sorry for them in a way.
Two thumbs way up for "To Be a Proton" !
(No wonder it was featured
-ElaBrave
Ell!
I liked this! I do heavily agree with Snoinkarina that 'they' is a weak word in poetry. Kill the usage of it, and 'that' as much as you can throughout this - as well as any other trivial word with abstract meaning - they do nothing for you here.
In fact, I would eliminate most of the narrative bits such as "and they" because they're not working. Once or twice is good! But after that, you can bridge these all with commas and such.
The end is just okay-- I don't like it because it's sort of like, "eek, how to close this poem?" Justice isn't totally served to the poem; I think it deserves a much better ending than this. But this is good; rather creative, and enjoyable. Two thumbs up and a gold star, El. Keep it up.
June
Hello!
Okay, so this may be geeky, but I totally read it for the title. Yep. Geeky. However, when you start with electrons, and when I was reading the first stanza, I kept thinking, "This isn't a proton!" So you may have to start with the protons first, or explicitly say "the electrons" first. Because, really, "they" is a weak word in poetry anyway, especially when you have to say, "That is, they is them!" Which is basically what you did.
Also, I am not quite sure of the lies that the neutrons give, or really much of the reasoning as to why the nucleons have the sort of behaviors you gave them. And maybe I am over-analyzing this too much (having taken quantum mechanics and all) but I do wonder! Maybe if you clarified what the lies are and why they are lies, that would be better.
I also don't understand... what cracks?
Still! I liked this! *stars*
Hello there Ellie. Let's take a look at this poem, shall we? ^^
We're studying protons right now, so this should be interesting.
^
This seems a little redundant. Maybe you can try to make the hook a little more interesting. Right now it just seems as if you're giving a lecture in poetic form.
^
"zip-zap" seems like it would flow a little better.
^
Isn't it the electrons that do that?
^
This part is funny. I love it.
^
orly? Why? I never heard any of that in school.
I didn't really find many other problems with the poem, but it seemed to very inconsistent. First electrons are outcasts then we all want to be like them. The human characteristics that you give the protons, neutrons and electrons are never explained, leaving the reader confused.
Good start, and keep writing.