Mr Tumnus let his eyes amble over the soft raised dome in the ground. The raised hemisphere of glass was barely noticeable if you weren't aware of its existence but startlingly obvious if you were. The mint green grass was brushed across its surface and its strands were bowled over by the raging winds. Even as his eyes stung with the force of it, Mr Tumnus noticed that the wind was pummelling the grass as a single entity. It was like a very green body of water, with a wide ripple thundering into the distance.
"Uncle Tumnus!" The voice, high and piping, came from somewhere behind and to the right of Mr Tumnus.
Mr Tumnus swirled around to spot the second youngest of the Beavers' existing kits - Petela. He broke into a grin at the sight of his youngest 'niece' and trotted towards her. She bounded on all four paws to meet him halfway, probably more than halfway given the hurtling pace with which she ran. Mr Tumnus swept his niece up into his arms, something he didn't feel comfortable doing with most of the Beaver kits. It wasn't that they were too heavy. They were just too old. It would be like trying to balance King Peter on his arms if he shrank to the size of the head of a lute.
"How's my favourite-ist little niece?" asked Mr Tumnus, squeezing Petela tight.
"How can I be your favourite?" Petela crossed her arms and pouted petulantly. "Maggie just finished first in her dam class-"
"Did you just curse at me, young lady?!" Mr Tumnus spurted.
"No, dam class. Not the bad word, Uncle Tumnus." Petela giggled and rolled her eyes.
"Ah, I'd forgotten about that," Mr Tumnus admitted. He hoisted Petela onto his shoulder and began to clop down the sweeping berm to the Beavers' front door.
He had indeed forgotten about Maggie's successes in the field of dam design. Shortly after the White Queen's demise, a spurt of creativity had swept Narnia. Everyone Mr Tumnus knew had thrust their imagination into some project or other - Lucy had been drawing cartoons of her family's adventures back home on Earth. That was another word Mr Tumnus wasn't used to yet, even after seven years. Nonetheless, dam design had morphed rapidly into one of the most developed forms of engineering. Finishing first in her class was one of the highest honours Maggie could ever have desired. Beaver young left home at the age of two but for the birth of the seventh kit, all four independent kits had returned. The kit not being due for another few days, Maggie was indeed the star of the family this week. Well, until the new kit did arrive to devour everyone's attention and adoration.
Mr Tumnus twisted his head around to peer into Petela's small, black, curious eyes.
"It's okay, Uncle Tumnus," Petela murmured morosely, "I know that Maggie's the genius. She's the ... talented one."
Mr Tumnus smiled fondly as Petela struggled with the three-syllable word 'talented'. Then his uncle-brain snapped into action and he was back into concerned, assuring mode. The calming words flowed naturally through his being, as if he had been born to raise children into well-rounded little people. He had nurtured all four of Petela's older brothers and sisters, for the two years that they were still around to be fussed over. They seemed to shoot to maturity with the force of a vine overpowering a building. Susan had told him that on Earth, beavers died at the age of twenty so they'd grow up even faster. Here in Narnia, their lives were roughly as long as a human's. Still, the young kits escaped from between his fingers like he had stuck his hand into a waterfall.
"You listen to me, Petela," he began, "Maggie is twenty-two. You are two. You have plenty of time to be however talented you want. You have the right to aim for whatever you want. If you work hard enough, there is a massive realm of possibilities that you can achieve."
"Uh-huh," Petela mumbled unconvincingly as they reached the front door of the den.
"Okay, okay, I can do better." Mr Tumnus chuckled. She was becoming too smart for him. He made to rap his knuckles on the door then remembered the last time Mr Beaver had caught him being so formal. He'd forced him into a pillow-fight - which the Beaver family had watched with the glazed eyes of dumbfounded spectators - to 'break the ice'. Mr Tumnus eased open the door and set Petela down on the floor of the hallway.
It took him a moment to register the screams. They tore the air around his ears to shreds and warped into coarse waves of blistering sound. Mr Tumnus was winded by the shock of it and he dropped to the floor to shield Petela from whatever was happening within the den. His eyes darted around the wooden halls of the deep den and rested on a worn coffee table near the entrance to the den's main living room. Petela was shuddering in his arms ... or - wait. Was she giggling?
"Petela...?" Mr Tumnus howled over the noise.
"It's okay, Uncle Tumnus." Petela wriggled out of his arms and grinned at him. "I forgot. Daddy said to tell you that the kit's coming."
Petela's older siblings - two brothers and two sisters - tumbled out of the room and scampered up to Petela. The youngest boy, Isfin, stumbled wearily out after them. Mr Tumnus relaxed, although he still reeled with shock - and a faint amusement that Petela had forgotten to tell him her sibling was about to be born.
"Is it here?" Petela asked eagerly.
"He is." The oldest kit, Rospiol, nodded his head and let a grin split his face in two.
"So the screams were... " Mr Tumnus tailed off.
"Oh, hi, Uncle," Maggie greeted, "Yes, that was Mum."
The rest of the kits seemed to notice him at last and turned to smile at their uncle. Mr Tumnus was about to excuse himself and leave them to celebrate as a family, when the fuzzy head of Mr Beaver peaked around the wall of the living room's entrance. He turned to his children, his eyes sparkling.
"Are you all ready to meet your little brother?"
All six kits nodded eagerly and followed him over the threshold into the living room. Mr Tumnus hesitated. This was a family moment. As close as Mr Tumnus was to the Beavers', he wasn't even a beaver, never mind a Beaver. Still, if he was supposed to wander into the den unannounced, perhaps he was allowed to meet his latest nephew.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
Jumping right in, the first thing I noticed was this repetition. You use the word 'raised' within just a few words. Doing this makes it seem a bit unfinished, like you don't have the vocabulary to put in another word and so you simply repeated yourself. I can tell that's not what's happening, since you don't do this much throughout the rest of the chapter, so it's more of a grammatical thing than anything else.
It's always hard to incorporate humor into writing because you have to explain so much in such a short time, but yet, you can't explain too much. Many believe that the best way to do it is by telling a joke, but the things I find most humorous are the situations I can relate to, and that are witty. This one counts as both, so extra brownie points!
You also do a good job of incorporating more stylized words into your writing to explain what is happening. When I read 'clop,' I thought, "horses clop, not people." Then I face palmed myself, remembering that Mr. Tumnus isn't human. Things like this make the story all that much better, and really put the final touches on a good piece.
In the end, I was quite glad I read it, and it's always fun to see someone else's idea of what might be happening behind the scenes.
Thank you BiscuitsBatchAvoy!
Thank you very much for the review - and also for reminding me that it's review day!
Hello, my friend.
First, your writing is as beautiful and effortless as in the previous chapter. You know what you are trying to say and the images that you are trying to create. There is never a moment that I doubt the world through your writing. Impressive, my friend.
Second, some grammatical things:
I searched, but in vain. I could not find any glaring grammatical errors. You are quite thorough, aren't you?
Third, some stylistic suggestions:
I would advise against using the word "raised" in sentences side-by-side. It ruins the flow of your writing. As well, I would place a comma after "existence," also to aid the flow of your words.
I would not use the word "very" in any descriptions. What is the difference between a "green body of water" and a "very green body of water"? Is it darker? Is it lighter? In the words of Mark Twain, "Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very";
your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."
This seemed stifled and rigid to me. You don't have to be exact about where the sound is coming from. This is not a situation where specificity is required. It ruins the flow of your writing.
Please, use either an exclamation point or a question mark. In conjunction, in my opinion, they look tacky.
This metaphor, I believe it is a metaphor, did not work for me. Why is the part about the building necessary? It just didn't make sense to me.
I loved this sentence. Brilliant, in my mind.
Besides those suggestions, I, as you know, love your writing style.
Fourth, your characters:
Still, Mr. Tumnus proves to be a real character. You have crafted him well, and I do so adore his interactions with the kits. It seemed genuine, which makes all of the difference.
Fifth, your plot:
Why? This is the perfect opportunity to describe a bit about the world that you have constructed. Do not pass it up.
Why? Avoid making important statements without any explanation.
Besides that, I really have nothing to say about the plot. This chapter kept me interested.
Overall, another solid chapter. I am excited for the next installment of this intricate, sophisticated fan-fiction. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Thank you so much