A/N: The bit with the cart may be me falling into my habit of writing too many characters. The explanation is in my reply to Pan's review, but I'm very willing to believe that I should rein myself in here. I'm not going to edit it out just so I don't mess with my LMS word count, but I'll put it in strikethrough or something.
----
"Daena! Please, I need you to go deliver the Tensons’ order. They're leaving for the market in less than an hour!"
But Daena Graham barely heard her mother, loud as that call had been. She'd been hunched over on the edge of their hard, lumpy couch for so long that her thighs were going numb, but she couldn't take her eyes off the beautiful embossed parchment before her. It was a single sheet, medium sized, with only a few lines of writing, but the light from the window behind her streamed in and glinted on the gold and lapis royal crest.
"I can do it, Mum!" Janet shouted, "I'm going to go see James anyway!"
"That's the completely wrong direction, honey! Glad you're finally taking an afternoon off though!"
It was at that moment that Daena realised her little sister and mother were having to shout their conversation. The only rooms in their tiny cramped house that were far enough apart to need that were the living room and the bedroom, and Daena was currently in the living room. She looked up.
"Oh. Hi, Janet," she said.
Her sister raised a thick dark eyebrow above a chestnut brown eye. "Hello, Daena. You planning on pulling your weight at any point today?"
Suddenly Daena's throat was very, very dry. Janet was going to ruin this for her; she could just tell. Had she seen the letter yet?
"Sorry, yes, definitely," Daena said, springing to her feet. She glanced down at their slightly lopsided coffee table, then looked back to Janet.
"What's the matter now?" Janet muttered, also getting to her feet.
"Nothing," Daena said. She bent down and tenderly picked up the piece of parchment, lightly brushing her fingers over raised crest. The surface was so smooth, far smoother in fact than the ancient table it was sitting on - frankly, she was sure that table was older then herself, or at least than Janet.
"What's that?" Janet asked. She had already begun to move toward the door, but now leant against it and frowned at Daena.
"Just a letter from the Tensons about their order specifications. I'm taking it with me so they can't invent new things they asked for." Daena grabbed the Tensons' order sack and slipped the letter in the top.
Janet nodded sagely. "Ah, they can be a picky lot."
"Sure," Daena said, moving towards the door.
Janet pushed herself off the door and swivelled around to open it, all in a single flourish. Then they were out the door, into the muggy heat of early summer. Outside the sky was grey, but the sun had to be hiding up there somewhere. Daena shrugged off her thin linen cardigan and tied it around her waist.
"You look like you're wearing two skirts," Janet said.
"Better than looking like I've just run the length of the southern coast," Daena said, hefting the sack onto her shoulder.
"Huh?" said Janet, as she moved off to circle around the back of the house.
"Sweat," Daena muttered.
"Oh, right," Janet said, "Funny."
And with that, she gave Daena as slight wave, more of a salute really, and jogged away. Daena nodded to herself; yes, Janet would have ruined it. She began to stroll off towards the dusty path that led over to the next cottage, and from there would head towards the north side of town. For once, she actually waved to the nearest neighbours as they called to her from their cottage windows. What the ageing Frieders did for a living she had no idea.
The houses got closer together as she neared the village hall, and the ground beneath her became lumpy cobblestone, rather than just a path strewn with lumps of stone. She was almost skipping, and barely even stumbling, as she passed the intersection of the town's only two roads, turned left towards the north, and bumped straight into her little brother.
"Daena!" he squealed, holding his forehead and glaring at her.
"Sorry, Ali, you alright?" She bent down so she was level with him and held his head up. "Ach, you're fine. You shouldn't run so fast!"
"But me and Maureen are playing tig and I've never ran faster than her for this long before!" he screeched. He shoved her out of the way with all his might, which was not a lot, and Daena did her best not to laugh.
"Okay, I'll see you when I get home from the Tensons'," she said. She stood up and started to move past him.
He put a hand out, using the force of his tiny freckled face and big blue eyes to stop her this time. "Wait, the Tensons? Is that the big red dress?"
Daena slung her sack round and loosened the drawstrings a little. The letter jutted a sharp, crisp corner out at her, and she felt her shoulders suddenly tense. But she blinked, shook her head, and pressed it gently aside.
"Looks like it," she said, turning back to Alistair, "Why?"
"It's beautiful," he murmured. "Can I come? I didn't get to say goodbye."
This time Daena had to cough into her hand to hide her laugh. "Er... sure. But what about Maureen."
"Actually, I think she might have got lost," Alistair said, "I should go look for her. Might as well start in the north, where we were playing anyway."
Daena rolled her eyes. "Fine, come on then."
They didn't talk much as they made their way along the side of the north-south road, occasionally warning each other to swerve out the way of passing carts. The third one to judder past actually contained mounds of slim green vegetables, along with Janet, her best friend James Torrin, and James's younger sister Maureen, who also happened to be Alistair's best friend.
"There you are!" James shouted. He was a tall kid, getting lankier with every growth spurt, and his grin seemed to be growing in length by the day too. He jerked his skinny thumb towards the back of the driver's balding head. "Dad says me and Maureen have to go help him unload at the market, sorry buddy!"
Alistair smiled and waved at Maureen. "It's okay! And Maureen, I win!"
Maureen grinned at him. "Aye, whatever you have to tell yourself, Ali."
"Alright, well, we just looped up the street because we saw you," James explained. "Dad, we can turn back round now!"
"I'm not your servant!" came a gruff mutter from the driver.
Maureen joined James in his grinning. "No, we're yours."
"And you get food on the table for it." As the horses clopped around in a tight u-turn, Daena saw that their father, Michael, was also grinning like an idiot. What was it with this family?
A moment - and a few more quips - later, the cart was bumping back down the street, leaving Daena and Alistair once again alone. But the glee with which all those happy rays of sunshine conducted themself was still hanging in the air. Daena could feel it pulsing within Alistair. Surely it was her duty to keep that going.
"So how was you and Maureen's day? Nice that you both got the morning off at the same time," Daena said.
Alistair jerked his head round to look up to her. "Uh, yes. It was great. And now Janet and James get to hang out, which I'm sure we're going to hear all about later."
Daena tilted her head to the side. “What exactly do you mean?”
“Ever since James kissed her-”
“He what?” Daena blurted.
“She didn’t tell you?” Alistair looked up at her, gaping. “She wouldn’t stop telling me.”
“No, no she didn’t,” Daena murmured.
“It was just a peck, I think,” Alistair added, but before he could console her further Daena brought them to a stop.
“We’re here,” she said.
The Tensons’ house was carefully crafted from evenly sized stones, and the curtains were held back neatly by little brass rings. Daena gulped and held the bottom of the sack, wondering how creased the dress was going to be, and if it would affect her tip. But there was no use putting it off. She eased open the non-creaking gate and padded quietly up the pretty little garden path with perfectly placed tiles.
“You alright?” Alistair asked.
“Huh?”
He pointed at the door. “You going to knock?”
She frowned. “Yes - I was just - give me a second.”
She took a deep breath, lifted the frog’s head knocker, and tapped it against the door. A moment later the elder of the Tenson sisters, who for the life of her Daena could not remember the name of, swung open the door and invited them inside. There was no cut to her tip, only an awkward darting away of the eyes when Daena explained that they couldn’t afford a cart, and that they therefore had no way to transport garments flat. She and Ali shared a glance as they left, but there was no point mentioning it. They were poor; what was there to say?
“What was that you took out the bag?” Alistair asked as they rounded the corner back onto the east-west road.
“Um, a dress? You couldn’t keep your eyes off it,” Daena said, “It was like I was giving up your puppy!”
Alistair sighed. “It was better than a puppy. No puppy in the world could ever be that red.”
Daena chuckled. “I’d hope not.”
“So what was it?”
Daena looked at her feet. “What was what?”
“The thing you took out the bag.” His voice got less high pitched all of a sudden. “The thing that wasn’t a dress. The piece of parchment.”
Daena took a deep breath and looked down at her little brother. He was only nine, not yet a confident twelve like Janet. He still looked up to her, both literally and as a role model. He’d be excited. She reached into the bottom of the sack and brought out the letter.
“It took me twenty minutes to read this, Ali, and not just because none of us are any good at reading. I almost passed out every third word. Ali, Dad is coming home.” She grinned like one of the Torrin family. “And he’s taking us to the palace.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Whoops, I didn't get to this before 4 other people did, but I hope this review is still helpful!
I can't find anything truly wrong with your first few paragraphs, but I disliked something about the introduction. I can't exactly describe what I didn't like about your introduction, but I'll try. It definitely works, and it works efficiently. I think the main problem is it doesn't feel very unique. I got the impression that I had read it before-- the same scenario, that is. Sorry if that isn't helpful, but it's the best I can describe how I feel about it.
People can name their kids pretty much whatever they want, but it's always been kind of weird for me when in a story, there's a kid with a perfectly normal name and then a kid with an unusual name. I know it can happen in real life, but I feel like more often than not, it's more likely for a Janet to have a sister named Susan and a Daena to have a sister named Beatrix. I think that if you want to keep these names, you could put a little explanation like one parent picked one name and one picked the other. It's a weird thing that always bothers me when I see it.
Wow, okay. A lot happened in this chapter, and I'm not sure I understood. I think that you definitely could have spent a scene or two introducing us to Daena's family, and then you could have sent her on her merry way. I think you did a fairly good job of introducing the family dynamics, but there is such a thing as too much information. I think that you could expand this and make two chapters out of it.
I think you'll be happy to note that I didn't really find any of that clunky wording I'm always nagging you about, but that might have been because I felt like I was hanging on for dear life.
It's not ensemble casts that's your problem, it's that you introduced them so quickly. I think you also could have done a bit of foreshadowing of who are the important characters and who will end up by the wayside as you begin to hone in on your central cast.
Overall, it was pretty good, but this definitely needs to be slowed down for the sake of the reader.
I'm always up for novel talk, and you know where to find me!
~ink
Hi Biscuits! Happy LMS, and congratulations on writing your first chapter! Stopping by to give my review, as promised!
I thought your opening few paragraphs were great in giving us a sense of the family and the dynamic that they all shared with one another. Your prose is clear and easy to follow, which made this an enjoyable read.
I was surprised to find out they were so young, for some reason I was picturing them all in their mid to late teens. I'm curious about the world that they live in, and where exactly this story is going. I didn't have much of a sense of it after this first chapter. Admittedly, I'm not someone who reads or interacts much with fantasy as a genre, but one thing I'm always intrigued by is world building. Although I'm not sure how much of this you've done or how much is coming later, but I want to get a clear picture of this world. What does it sound and smell like? What do the characters physically look like?
The most difficult thing is always to begin any story. You don't want to reveal too much too early, but you still want to draw us in.
One small comment I did have:
For whatever reason, this line didn't work for me. I have an older sibling and I don't think we ever said anything like this to one another. And description of the eyebrow feels a bit awkward to me.
Overall, as I mentioned, your prose was strong and clear. I think you've got a good basis, I just wanted to see more!
Best of luck with writing this, and let me know if you have any questions!
Thanks for your review Stella! Physical description is something I could definitely do more of and I%u2019ll make sure to do some worldbuilding in the next chapter. Should be lots of opportunity since they%u2019ll be talking about the queen and why they have a letter from her.
Thanks again!
@Messenger @Thundahguy Thanks for your reviews! You both mention ages not seem realistic. I did mean Daena to be oldest, and if I described Janet as oldest then it would have meant out of our MC’s two siblings. Do yous think these would be better: Ali 12, Janet 14, Daena 16? I’d worry that’s a bit old for Daena, but putting two siblings within a year of each other seems unlikely.
Also, Mess, I brushed past the Tensons’ house because I wanted to get to the main plot advancement. How about if I were to majorly cut down on the cart, like in my suggestion to Pan, but lengthen the Tensons’ scene? I could maybe try and characterise Daena more by doing this, who is probably my less well-defined character.
Thanks again for the reviews!
I think tour ages are fine. You just seem to present Janet in the beginning as the more dominating "mom" presence. Like when she says "finally gonna pull your weight?" For me that's when i thought she was older. And then the kiss, although I can see it being a shock if she's younger xD
And yes, I would emphasize the Tenson scene and cut the cart scene if you want. It's important to establish Daena and who she is, and if you want to conclude the tig game, you can always catch it up later. The way Ali comes literally running into the story is enough for us to remember it.
Thanks Mess, that%u2019s really helpful ^.^
BTW you can keep the cart scene if you want. I just didn't like the transition sentence. I didn't think the names were a problem. But if you're choosing between Tenson or cart, then I'd go Tenson
I think I probably am choosing by this point, for the sake of pacing. Will decide for definite when rewrites roll around though
Hey Biscy, it's meeee. Couple quick thoughts for you!
1. Man, your writing style is so easy to read. Darkpandemonium got most of the nitpicks out of the way, so I won't go into that, but as far as the writing itself, it feels great. It's not too detail-laden, and it's got a really nice pace. Except the cart scene. Just the part where you mention "A few quips later". That feels a little....rushed? Like you weren't sure how to transition.
2. Ali's age was confusing, I'm not going to lie. He seemed young but then the way he talked made me think he was older, like 12ish. I thought Janet was oldest but you say she's 12? That would put Daena at like what, 10 1/2? If so, they seems to be a little too... mature, I think is the best way to put it. They and react more as adults instead of young teens.
3. I do like your characterization. I think Daena and Ali are cute and likable, and Janet seems like the bossy older sister. Ali is so cute tbh xD I got a decent feeling for who they are as people, and I'm sure that you'll continue that. They banter between both Daena and Janet, and Dane and Ali were great.
4. The bit at the Tenson's didn't cut it for me. You built up the tension of them being scary, or mean and rude, and then whizzed through it in about two sentences. I would suggest slowing that scene down.This would be a great moment in the first chapter to see Daena react to a stressful situation. There needs to be some payoff for the build up is what I'm saying.
5. I love your ending. I definitely am now curious. a Palace?!?! And Janet would ruin the moment so...... something in the past involving daddy and daughter? That sounds interesting.
Overall It's a solid start. Let me know when part 2 is out
~Messy
Hi, I’m Thundahguy. Reading this, I have no general complaints or tips for improvement. Seeing as I can’t contribute to that front, I’ll try to give my thoughts and feelings on each third of the chapter instead.
The first third before Daena left the house started out a bit confusing, though that’s probably from me confusing who says what. After rereading it, it works out rather well. I like the sibling relationship between Daena and Janet, though its exact nature still seems a little befuddled.
The second third before the Torrins leave works out nicely. The closer relationship between Daena and Alistair was conveyed to me. It started to lose me with the introduction of the Torrins themselves, with having to describe two characters at once and then introducing a third halfway through. I do like the comment about the family’s smiling.
The final third is where I somewhat lost interest. The continued interaction between Daena and Alistair is nice, but that’s all it really feels like there.
For overall thoughts, I’d think this chapter is pretty nice. You have an excellent use of description, even if it makes me lose track of what’s happening more times than not. There isn’t much you’ve said about the world, though. Also, if Daena and Alistair are 12 and 9 respectively, then they sound too mature for their age. Maybe lower the formal tone a bit there.
Hiya, Biscuits! Amazing for you to have written your first LMS chapter so quickly, so I thought I'd swing by and review it. I'll start with my smaller comments about the prose and such, then I'll move onto my overall thoughts at the end. If I need to make any small grammar/punctuation/typo corrections, I'll do so in blue. Let's go!
Small Comments
Don't think you need this word.
I did understand what you were saying here, but I feel like the sentence is a bit...clunky, I guess? It feels a little like you're scrambling to explain what's going on, and it doesn't lead into the dialogue that smoothly.
Personally, I wasn't too fond of this. We all know that eyebrows are above eyes, so to say it seems redundant and a little weird. It just feels like an obvious attempt to force some physical description in.
How relevant is this detail? I think you have some minor problems with pacing in this opening chapter, which are born from a habit of dwelling on things that aren't that crucial to the narrative. Shifting the focus to the table detracts from the more interesting mystery of the letter and interrupts the flow of the conversation, as well.
I liked this moment. You do a good job on the sibling relationships - more about that later.
Janet is only twelve? That's quite a surprise. She came across as much older.
I think this is a really good end to the chapter. My only minor grievance is the fact that she says Ali's name twice, which is a bit of a pet peeve for me. Honestly, next time you're in a conversation with another person, pay attention to how often you address them by name. I guarantee that you won't do it nearly as often as you think. Aside from when we're trying to get people's attention, it's surprisingly uncommon. Which is why people like me manage to know and talk to people for months on end without actually learning their names.
So, in short, I think you could delete at least one of the uses of 'Ali', if not both.
Overall Thoughts
1) This chapter is a really promising start! I really like your easy writing style. There are a few odd bits of expression, as pointed out in the small comments, but for the most part you have a clear, economical way of writing that's really nice to read. You seem to be good at telling as well as showing, and you mingle the two techniques well. We learn about Daena's family's financial situation through a mix of the two, which works.
2) I think the main focus on the letter is good, as well. As an opening hook, it did draw me in, and I've already mentioned that I liked the ending. I'm interested to find out why Daena hid the letter from Janet. I get the sense that the family's relationship with the dad must be a bit turbulent.
3) As alluded to in the small comments, the dynamic between the siblings is good so far, and I like the contrast between Daena's relationship with Ali and her slightly more hostile one with Janet. I haven't really got a strong sense of Daena's personality yet - Ali and Janet seem a little more defined - but I imagine that will come with time. Your dialogue for all of them is excellent, though. Apart from my small complaints about overusing names, it feels very naturalistic to read.
4) In terms of what to work on, I think my main problem with this chapter lies in the middle of it. When Daena and Ali run into the Torrins in their cart, I got a bit lost and my interest started to wane. There were just a lot of names to keep track of, and I didn't really get the purpose of the encounter; it doesn't add a great deal to the chapter, as far as I can see. It just slows the pacing down.
In first chapters, it's best not to introduce us to too many members of the cast. We need to plant our feet and find our bearings first.
Still, I did enjoy this on the whole. It's in the right ball park and shows tons of promise; it just needs trimming and refining a little, which is what LMS is about. I'm going to be keeping an eye out for the next chapter.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for the review, Pan! A lot of those are things I was worried might come up, so I'll try and work on them for the next chapter. I could feel the thing with the cart start to drag as I wrote it, the problem was that I didn't want to leave Ali's game of tig hanging. I also had the idea while I was writing to contrast how little they were talking with Daena attempting to try and start a conversation with Ali after seeing how happy and easygoing this other family is. Do you think it would be better to just brush past that and say something like "They didn't talk very much, but after a while Maureen's passed by in their cart and Daena saw the huge smiles on their faces. They talked so easily to her little brother as they explained that Maureen had to go, surely she ought to be able to do that too." I have a really weird thing where I like ensemble casts but I do know I need to be reined back xD
Clunky writing is also an issue for me, though ironically so is setting description. So here, in a desperate attempt to introduce elements of setting and description, I've ended up with clunky writing *facepalm* For what it's worth, if you were to take out the description that seemed clunky, would you say a sufficient amount is left over?
Thanks again! And seriously, if your first chapter is around somewhere I'd love to read it
To be honest, I'm not sure you need to have the bit with the cart at all? I wouldn't worry about leaving the game of tig dangling - when I was reading, it didn't seem like something that needed to be resolved. It just seemed like a way to get Ali into the scene, which is fine.
I also didn't really get the vibe that Daena had trouble talking to Ali. Sure, they weren't talking as they walked, but that didn't strike me as a bad thing. I actually find that it's much easier to be silent with people you're comfortable with. So if you wanted to create that impression, you might have to alter their conversation a little bit.
As for the clunky writing, it doesn't strike me as particularly bad or troublesome. It's just occasional lines, and all writers have those in first drafts. I'd definitely take out the 'above a chestnut brown eye' part, but I think the bit about Janet and her mother being in different rooms just needs smoothing out for clarity. As I say, it's not terrible. Just small stuff.
But you're very welcome. I'll let you know when I post the chapter up, as well!
Okay, I'll get another opinion on the cart bit (because someone else who didn't review said they thought it was a fine) but I am very willing to believe people that i have too many characters xD
Part of Daena's character would preferably be that she doesn't talk too well with people, but then again I guess I also wanted Ali to be really nice to everyone, so maybe he could just be one of the people she gets on well with. I can see what you mean though, so I'll see what I want to do about that
Just to poke in... xD Pande is right about the walking in silence thing; I thought similarly. I would say to just cut he cart scene, but the little bit about the kiss was funny so I would say if you cut it, to keep the a way where the kiss gets brought up.