The Butterflies Dance No More

Evi wrote:Not sure if 'Lyric' is the right forum for this, but I'm sick of stuffing everything in 'Other'. Enjoy!

EDIT: Thank you everyone for your fantastic reviews!

Butterflies used to dance all around me,
a symphony of souls in flight.
Waterfalls used to cry on my shoulder
until I dried their tears with the sun.

Stars would bring light to my world,
and shoot across the sky all at once* (no comma)
While each blade of grass
bowed down to my mud-caked feet.

The storms still come, though,
and the air grows heavy with secrets.
I didn't see the thorn on the rose
until it had already pricked me.

I battled the raging blizzards
and refused to submit to the flames.
I stood in the rain and blocked out the thunder,
feeling the lightning in all of its glory.

Now, I am wet and cold,
with scorch-marks on my hands.
And the stars have told me
to find my own light.

The grass is withered and dead.
The waterfalls’ tears flow elsewhere.
For my sun has finally set,
and the butterflies dance no more.

Hey Evi Shina here ^^ Since it's purps vs. blues today, I decided to infiltrate the purple peeps by going and reviewing some of their work. Have fun in the welcome forum by the way xD They're a tough crowd to please

Now onto your review:

I really liked the description in this poem. I know your sensitive about age so I'll say this honestly, it's good for anyone. This poem is actually a lot better than what some of the older writers on YWS post up. The only problem for me was the flow. It would flow then stop then swerve then slow. The flow of this poem is like a roller coaster. It's probably because some words seem to rhyme while others don't. I'm not sure, but you need to find a better flow for this.

Okay I lied about the only problem thing ;P Sorry. All good works need good reviews though. The second problem with this is : What does all this weather have to do with anything? The way you transitioned from butterflies to stars to storms to fire to blizzards to dead butterflies is confusing @_x It's like reading many different poems. I think you should focus on one idea and start there. This poem seems more like six poems than just one. You need to work on the connection between your sentences rather than between each word. It's important to keep the link going.

In the * part, I thought maybe taking out "all at once" would be better since it seems to long.

Keep writing ^^

~Shina

Hey Evi
I've decided to review something of yours, 'cuz I love your stuff (:
I'll go over your poem first then comments

Butterflies used to dance all around me,

a symphony of souls in flight.

Waterfalls used to cry on my shoulder

until I dried their tears with the sun.

Stars would bring light to my world,

and shoot across the sky all at once.

While each blade of grass

bowed down to my mud-caked feet.

The storms still come, though,

and the air grows heavy with secrets.

I didn't see the thorn on the rose

until it had already pricked me.

I battled the raging blizzards

and refused to submit to the flames.

I stood in the rain and blocked out the thunder,

feeling the lightning in all of its glory.

Now, I am wet and cold,

with scorch-marks on my hands.

And the stars have told me

to find my own light.

The grass is withered and dead.

The waterfalls’ tears flow elsewhere.

For my sun has finally set,

and the butterflies dance no more.

Helllllllllloooo, Evi!

Here as requested!

Keep in mind, my poetry knowledge is limited to ancient epic poetry like Homer and Virgil. ^_^

Evi wrote:Not sure if 'Lyric' is the right forum for this, but I'm sick of stuffing everything in 'Other'. Enjoy!

Butterflies used to dance all around me,
a symphony of souls in flight.Gorgeous imagery.
Waterfalls used to cry on my shoulder
until I dried their tears on the sun.On the sun? I think it would be better if you said "with the sun." I dunno, this kind of sounds like you are putting the waterfall on top of the sun to dry it out. ^_^

Stars would run my errands for me,Something about this line is weird. They ran your errands? What do you mean like that? It's my personal opinion, but I think it make make more sense if you said you danced with the stars or something like that. Saying they "ran your errands" makes it seems like the stars bought groceries for you.
and shoot across the sky at once.I would say, "and shoot across the sky all at once". It makes more sense and fits the rhythm better.
While each blade of grass
bowed down to my mud-caked feet.

But I battled the raging blizzards
and refused to submit to the flames.
I stood in the rain and blocked out the thunder,
feeling the lightning in all of its fury.
It seems odd to me that you portray nature in this positive light, but blizzards and fire are considered bad? This stanza is kind of random. It feels like you used to have a segway stanza leading into this, but you erased it.
Now, I am wet and cold,
with scorch-marks on my hands.
And the stars have told me
to do my own work.These last four lines really don't fit the meter at all.

The grass is withered and dead.
The waterfalls’ tears flow elsewhere.
For my sun has finally set,
and the butterflies dance no more.

Hiya Evi!

Okay, this has been pointed out already but I also don't like the transition between the second and third stanzas. It feels like you deleted a stanza between them and never replaced it with anything.

The only lines I didn't really find flowed well are these:

Waterfalls used to cry on my shoulder
until I dried their tears on the sun.

Hey there Evi! June here!

Aw! This poem was so sweet!

I like the imagery and how you "placed" yourself in this poem. You made yourself the focal point, but ironically, the readers focus is draw to the natural things surrounding it. Beautiful.

Quick nitpick:

But I battled the raging blizzards

and refused to submit to the flames.

Hiya Evi!
Wonderful poem. Some rhythm issues, though. And I don't particularly understand your transition from the second to the third stanza. The grass was bowing before you, but now you're battling blizzards? How'd that happen?
Anyways, just fix those tiny little things, and you'll have a fantastic poem. Sorry this isn't much of a review, butr there's really nothing else wrong with this.