Hi Evi,
Hahahahahahaha.
Don't have time for a real critique right this moment, but watch this space.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
z
Hi Evi,
Hahahahahahaha.
Don't have time for a real critique right this moment, but watch this space.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
I am a total newbie at poetry, but I really, really loved this piece.
Evi wrote:haggling for their daily bread and selling their souls
for anything that glitters.
Evi wrote:the only tune you can play for them is bitter, and their ears
are too swollen with whispers of wealth,
too stuffed with gilded cotton
to hear it properly.
Evi wrote:notes fall from your pockets as you go;
the world’s saddest song, perfect fifths
clunking clumsily to the pavement
and dissolving like drying tears.
Evi wrote:your steps are precise as length times width times height—
over-analyzed and over-organized data.
Evi wrote:it would be such a shame to stumble now;
keep your eyes on the prize (or the ground—
whichever is easier),
and fiddle around for your last defense—your bow,
equipped with melodies, not arrows.
Hey Evi ^^ Shina here to do a review for you I'm a bit rusty on poetry, so
I checked out the rules for Hannah's contest, so I'm going by
- Choose three pieces of art from any category of visual or performance art [try to stay away from text-only pieces] that have inspired or pleased you.
- Research a bit about the piece if you haven't already -- find out what movements it was a part of, what message it attempts to communicate, or what techniques were unique to it.
- Begin on your journey to write three parallel pieces of writing [poetry or fiction] inspired by these three pieces of art.
I. Nitpicks
hurry along, now—this is no place for song;
just a swampy mess of bargains and businessmen,
haggling for their daily bread and selling their souls
for all that glitters.
their eyes blaze like burning bridges;
who knew avarice was so flammable?
you can only play a bitter tune, and their ears
are too swollen with whispers of wealth,
too stuffed with gilded cotton,
to hear it properly.
walk amidst beaming couples, adorned like holiday decorations;
if you stand close enough, maybe you can catch a whiff of her perfume.
wouldn’t that make it all better?
and, while we’re here, let the grinning fool toss you a penny—
maybe you’ll even do a trick for him.
notes fall from your pockets as you go;
your steps are precise as length times width times height—
over-analyzed and over-organized data.
you can calculate the asphalt’s absolute value
just by adding every scrape or scar your bare feet have earned,
and dividing by the calluses on your fingertips.
it would be such a shame to stumble now;
keep your eyes on the prize (or the ground—
whichever is easier),
and fiddle around for your last defense—your bow,
equipped with melodies, not arrows.
Hello Evi!
So, this was very nice and I enjoyed it a lot! I don't think I've read many things by you, which is a shame, but then again, I could read and review more YWS things in general anyway.
I really like the beginning stanza. The first line is catchy – the only thing that bothered me slightly was the "anything that glitters", to me it seemed a bit too vague. Otherwise, the stanza was good.
wouldn’t that make it all better?
clunking clumsily to the pavement
over-analyzed and over-categorized data.
keep your eyes on the prize (or the ground—
whichever is easier).
Points: 33318
Reviews: 382
Donate