Jonas was a mix of many things. He was honest and clear as glass to some people, but could roll lies off his tongue expertly. He was quiet and reserved until he was forced to talk. As he walked down the corridor at his school, he kept his head down. If he didn’t make eye contact, things seemed better for him. The carpet was red, and he kept his eyes on it at all times. Making his way to Social Studies without stumbling or running into someone would be a great accomplishment for him. But of course that wasn’t going to happen. His head collided with the chest of another boy, and he heard the growl.
“Watch it, shorty.” The boy snapped. It was Billy McIntosh, who had lost interest in bullying Jonas years ago. His 5’3 stature was laughable for only so long. He mumbled an apology and slipped into the classroom. It was empty except for his teacher, Mrs. Crawford. She was his favorite, only because she was shorter than him, and a spritely Japanese woman.
“Hey Mrs. C. How’s it going?” He said as he walked in. This was the only place he actively spoke. He just had no reason to anywhere else.
“Oh it’s going.” She replied with her thick accent. He laughed and threw his backpack onto his chair. “Will you put one of these packets on every desk?” She handed him a stack of papers and he began tossing them onto desks.
“Are we starting a new unit?” He asked. Mrs. Crawford nodded.
“Righto, Jonas. You know we start a new one every three weeks.” She replied.
“Ugh.” He laughed, “High school.” He joked. Mrs. Crawford laughed with him until the door swung open and a girl with flaming red hair walked in. Maggie was a mess, as usual. She had glasses and braces, but she would have been pretty if she tried just a little bit to put on makeup or do her hair.
“Jonas Murphy.” She said as she walked in. Jonas made a face at Mrs. Crawford before turning around and smiling.
“Hi Mags.” He said. She groaned at him and glared.
“Just call me Maggie.” She complained. She hated being called Mags.
“Then just call me Jonas.” He replied smoothly. He returned to putting packets on the desks. Maggie looked at hers and made a pathetic whining noise.
“Japan?” She cried, “Ugh, I hate Japan. So much fish.” Jonas and Mrs. Crawford glared at her simultaneously. Jonas sat at his desk and skimmed through the study guide his teacher graced them with.
“Japan is one of the most interesting places in the world.” Jonas said. He bit his lip, hoping he hadn’t given it away that he knew a lot about the country. He was really smart, but never let it show. He didn’t need another reason to get bullied.
“Just what do you know about Japan?” Maggie sneered. Jonas glared at her but looked down at the ground.
“Nothing much.” He lied. She made a triumphant humph and then the bell rang. Students began filing into the classroom and taking their seats. Jonas looked over at the desk next to him and waited for Diana to come in. He subtly watched her walk in and take her seat. Their hair was the same dark brown, but her brown eyes were dark and dazzling. He never cared much for his plain green eyes. They made eye contact and Diana smiled at Jonas. He didn’t even notice the glare he got from Maggie.
“Attention class. Settle down. We’re starting a new unit today.” Mrs. Crawford announced. Maggie interrupted her.
“Like we do every three weeks, for you who didn’t know.” Maggie called out to the class. Mrs. Crawford forced a small smile.
“Quite right, Maggie. But please, let me teach the class.” Mrs. Crawford said. Maggie flushed red and Mrs. Crawford continued. “We will be studying Japan for the next three weeks. Jonas listened halfheartedly to his teacher. He drew on the back of his packet, drawing a Japanese garden. Another reason why he got bullied was because of his art skills. Mostly he drew manga, but sometimes he did realistic sceneries. “Jonas, can you tell us what is special about Tokyo?” Mrs. Crawford said. Jonas didn’t even look up before answering. He had completely forgotten where he was and just started talking.
“Tokyo is the capital of Japan. It is the home of the Imperial Palace, where the Emperor and Empress live with their two children. It is the largest city in the country and is home to over 150 million people.” He said, never looking up from his drawing. Until he heard a few whispers. Then his head whipped up, red. Mrs. Crawford was beaming at him.
“Excellent.” Mrs. Crawford praised.
“You said you didn’t know anything about Japan.” Maggie snapped at him. He looked back at her and stared for a moment before answering.
“I lied.” He said flatly. There were a couple “ooh” and “burn” whispers and Jonas turned back in his seat. Maggie was fuming and he could hear her muttering angrily behind him. He smiled and turned toward Diana slightly. She was genuinely giggling because of him. Mrs. Crawford pulled the class’ attention back to her and she continued talking about the bigger cities. Something hit him in the back of the head. He reached behind him and picked up a wadded piece of paper. He unrumpled it and read “So you’re smart? Who would’ve guessed that?” He glowered at the note obviously from Maggie. He ripped it into strips and began folding it expertly. It produced a four pointed star. Not Japanese really, but it would do.
Jonas twisted in his seat and looked down and across the room. Maggie was glaring at him. He smiled sickly at her. He lifted his hand where the star was expertly hidden. She waved at him awkwardly before he threw it sharply and fast. It nailed her right under her eye. All those hours of practicing in middle school paid off.
“Ow!” She screeched, “Jonas Murphy!” The entire class whipped to look at him.
“What happened?” Mrs. Crawford asked, looking more tired and old by the second. Her black hair had strips of grey in it, no doubt from years of dealing with high schoolers and their antics.
“Jonas Murphy hit me in the face!” She hollered. The class snickered and one boy yelled out “Yeah! Way to go Jonas!” But that all quieted when Mrs. Crawford clapped her hands loudly.
“How would he have hit you?” She asked “You two aren’t anywhere near each other.” Maggie rolled her eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“He threw this ninja star at me.” She waved it in the air and Jonas groaned softly. Mrs. Crawford looked at Jonas with a motherly look and sighed. He shrugged and spoke up.
“I can’t throw ninja stars.” He lied. Maggie screeched in protest and Mrs. Crawford put her hands in her head.
“See me after class you two.” She sighed. Jonas nodded, hoping things weren't about to explode.
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Heya, Eevee! Casanova for another review! Anyway, this chapter wasn't as long as some of yours, but it's still really long. One thing I have to say about your endings- they aren't very suspenseful. I could see yours as the middle of the chapters. Or you could break it off at the more the more suspenseful parts, which would help the length and your chapters endings. Like.. Would you feel,"The dog was red." as a good ending to a chapter? That's what I'm getting when I read your endings. Simple, no dramatic ending or pause, and no suspense. Try making it more actiony/romancy. I know you like both(as I've read in previous short stories/chapters from you.) Something like.. The teacher walking in on something that wasn't supposed to be happening, or the girl panicking as her crush walked up to her? I dunno, I"m trying to give ideas here. Anyway, on to the review!
I feel this sounds off, as I've pointed out in past works of yours dealing with,"weird phrasing." This is preference, I believe, but you wanted my opinion. When you say,"But of course that wasn't going to happen," I felt should have been the end of the paragraph, but it wasn't. Since it wasn't, I have a tip to fix the offishness of it. Here it is-
"He made his way to social studies trying not to bump into anyone, which would have been a great accomplishment for him if his head hadn't of collided with the chest of another boy." I think you could leave it off there, and continue in the next paragraph without ruining anything.
Your dialogue is a bit better in this one, so I give props for that. And you also start breaking your paragraphs up where they should be, so I also give props for that.
Overall the length, and how you end your chapters, is my main concern with this one. Fix it.
I hope this helped, at least a little.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Cassy
Hey there, how's it going?
I spotted chapter two of this in the green room, and I was just going to read this first chapter and continue on to the second chapter to review, but I figured because they're so different it makes more sense for me to review both separately.
Anywho! This was a very entertaining chapter, and you certainly caught my interest. All of your characters have distinct personalities, which is such a breath of fresh air. I don't know what it is but recently I've read so many books and stories and what not where loads of the characters blend into one, and it kind of sucks. In terms of your grammar, punctuation, pace e.t.c. you've got a good thing going here. I'm intrigued to find out more about this Diana girl, too. I'm guessing she's Jonas's crush? Whatever the case, it'll be interesting to see their relationship develop. I like Mrs. Crawford too, she's one sassy lady. An overall good job, and I do hope you decide to post more of this story in the future.
Now as for critiques, I have one or two things that jumped out at me. First things first, why is Maggie so... mean. She doesn't come across as popular or anything, and Jonas certainly didn't do anything to her in this chapter, so I don't really get it. I'd understand if she was jut a popular girl who was a bit of an ass, but unless I'm missing something she doesn't seem to be. It's not just Jonas she's mean to as well, she was pretty vile to Mrs. Crawford. I mean, hey, the girl insulted the country she's from. That's pretty low. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just don't understand Maggie's motives here. None of the other kids seem especially entertained by her comments, and if anything they just sort of laugh at her. What is she gaining by being this way? Does that make any sense?
The next thing I want to bring up, though this is more of a small nit-pick than an actual critique, is the way in which Jonas reacted to Mrs. C's question about Tokyo. Now I understand that he's meant to be a really smart guy and so what he says isn't necessarily the issue: it's perfectly believable that he'd know what he knows, but it's the way he says it.
It sounds kind of... bizarre, edging on inhuman. I know the idea is that he'd forgotten where he was, and so he said all this, but even if that is the case it seems unrealistic that someone would respond like this. I think it's because he speaks in such perfect sentences. If he genuinely forgot where he was and what he was doing, and answered this kind of question, it seems like it would be a lot less put together. For example, instead of being all "Tokyo is this, it is that, it is this, I am regurgitating facts e.t.c." I'd imagine he'd be more disjointed. For example, like "capital of Japan, 150 million people live there, largest city in the country e.t.c." so that he's almost just listing seemingly random facts about the place. Like a stream of consciousness, as opposed to a well-structured sentence, y'know?
My last critique is about Jonas himself. While I generally like his character and he's an interesting POV to hear the story from, he's kind of perfect. Me no likey perfect. Let's put him onto paper in terms of what we know of him so far. Pros: he's super intelligent, great at art, seems relatively popular, makes the class laugh, the teacher loves him, and he's seemingly a paper folding master. Cons: he's 5"3. D'you see a bit of an imbalance there? That con isn't even really a con, either. Even if Jonas wasn't drowning in friends, he would still have a lot of perfect qualities. While it's great to be good at, like, everything it is also a little boring for your readers. Personally, I prefer my characters to be shrivelling messes of human beings. It just makes them more interesting, and also more realistic. This is only the first chapter and so we've not seen heaps of him yet, but just a heads up.
Anywho, that's all from me for now! I shall move on to chapter two for you now!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
I will start off by saying that all your characters very unique, they don't fall into stereotypes, and I really liked that. Especially Jonas, he seems the most entrancing. I really liked this sentence about him, "He was honest and clear as glass to some people, but could roll lies off his tongue expertly. He was quiet and reserved until he was forced to talk." Also, Maggie seems very interesting too, she's very bold and straightfoward, but I believe there's more to her than what she shows.
A very good representation of high-school; high-school isn't always filled with dramatic queen-bees, overly sporty jocks, etc, and you did a great job showing that.
Over all, great and easy-to-follow writing. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Thanks!
Hey- I'm here to review! Lol

Ok so I love how you describe Jonas in the begining, really great when you said
"Jonas was a mix of many things. He was honest and clear as glass to some people, but could roll lies off his tongue expertly. He was quiet and reserved until he was forced to talk. As he walked down the corridor at his school, he kept his head down. If he didn’t make eye contact, things seemed better for him. The carpet was red, and he kept his eyes on it at all times."
But after that, I liked how you included a bully and why and stuff... but the conversation seemed a little bit awkward and rehearsed (If that makes any sense) And honestly a little cliched, try and stay away from cliches, it makes it sound like any other story (((Which obviously this is not!)))
i want to hear more about his relationship with the teacher and more on why he likes her and feels so comfortable with her.
Like I said the convo seemed forced and rehearsed, but can be cleaned up with a little bit of teenage talk. If he's sad, make him moody. Show some emotion with what he says! The dialog is one of the best parts of a story! Make the reader sympathize towards the characters.
Why is he so shy? Whats his home life like? More detail about that.
But honestly its a really good structure and has an amazing forming plot, just build and develope the characters, you have a really good idea. You just have to add feeling and depth.
You gotta show the reader why Jonas is different from every other shy teenage guy. Go into detail why Billy stopped teasing and when he started. Don't leave any character undeveloped!
Hope this helped! Sorry if i ranted, but I really think this could be an amazing story!