When children are born, they have little blown out bellies.
Mothers like to tickle and trail delicate fingers over a tiny belly button. Fathers like to blow raspberries into the little rounded stomachs. Both would do anything to keep their little people safe, both would die for a piece of themselves to live on.
I stand and look at my blown out belly.
My mother wouldn’t like to tickle or trail her fingers over my stretched out belly button. My father would be afraid he was going to break my rib cage if he blew a raspberry into my irritated, dry, thin layer of skin. My parents are dead however, which is a good thing. I wouldn’t want them to see me like this.
My eyes are the color of a shallow looking storm cloud unable to rain. My face is swollen, ugly and dry. My hair is sharp like little thorns sticking out of my scalp. My arms and legs are thin and wiry looking like freshly picked cotton. It is my eyes that the white Americans do not like, it is my thin, slit, Asian eyes.
The water descends onto my leathery skin. It feels hard and cold and makes me shiver. I want to open my mouth and feel the water cascade down my throat. I cannot, the guards will see me. I do not want to die, and they will kill me if I drink water. My throat is on fire, it is dry and sore. I have to fight the feeling. I have to fight the hope that water, food, sleep and help will be given to us. I feel alone.
Though, I am not.
I am a part of The Vultures.
A gang of minorities that will successfully break out of this hell on earth.
We will get out.
We have to get out.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This is a pretty nice start here, well, definitely a rather bad situation that our protagonist is starting from, but you do a really nice job of showcasing that and then building a small sense of hope towards the end that things can change.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, well that's a really cute little scene there to start this story off on. I've got no idea where this might be going here, cause I do get the sinking feeling that a message this wholesome at the start indicates that something bad might be headed our way as we continue deeping into the story.
Well....that one happened quicker than I was expecting. A very nicely done sharp contrast there between the innocent scenes of the previous bit and then to touch down upon the situation that our protagonist here is finding themselves in. Well, it certainly gets your attention quite quickly here.
Hmm, well it is hard to see where that's going to lead here, but so far I'm loving the descriptions you give here. They are very vivid and you can just see and feel how badly off this person is at the moment and it looks like the reason behind it is...a properly bad one there.
Well, that's definitely a bit of a turn there, looks like this person is in some sort of prison or at least kidnapped in some fashion, I definitely didn't get that impression earlier, but here it is pretty clear and it looks like some pretty horrible treatment is going on too if the lack of food, water and sleep is any indicator. It just seems like its quite surprising this person is even alive here.
Well, calling that a hell on Earth is certainly a very accurate description right there, definitely a powerful ending too there, it seems like this person is part of many that are quite potentially unfairly imprisoned in here and are planning some kind of breakout here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, seems like a really solid story start here, and I think this is actually interesting enough that I perhaps might've continued reading it here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hmm...
First of all, this is a good piece. I like the use of imagery, the appealing to the reader's senses and so forth. It was good...it was freaky...it was scary...it was realistic...
And I like where this is going afterwards. A prison breakout would be a fun thing to write about! No negatives, continue writing!