You Whispered Winter
You whispered winter, shivering
under the moon but above the clouds
entangled with the shape-shifters
of the night. You;
you whispered rays of binding light
touching skin with tactile trust
blind the stars with your
evanescent glow.
Like the night—
you watched me survive
kindred in your apathy, for
you spared my flesh
the pleasures of my youth.
You whispered winter, clutching
build the stone-work of the statures
with your bony, pale-white arms
etching teardrops in the snow
with your stony, ice-cold charms.
And there was a moment
paused within the inhale
when my chest closed with the exhale
and the quivers shook my skin.
You touched me there,
with your bare fingertips
longing for the affection that
you know I cannot give.
You watched me there,
your eyes the harnessed motion
of a million weary
woe-begotten, dreary,
thousand awesome footprints
that our souls left on the flakes.
You whispered winter in the corner
rip the leaves into bare shreds.
You whispered winter in the morn and
called my name within the dregs.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Alright thanks guys! Will edit, etc. etc.
Immediate impression: zoh my gosh, I love the title
^ nice!
I thought that this was your best stanza. The combination of hyphenated paired with end rhymes make it flow oh so love-ily. [same with the lines "of a million weary/ woe-begotten, dreary" ]
I think that in general, things could be tighter. Ask yourself "how will each word help advance the poem? Do I really need it?"
I was rather confused at the last line though. The whole last stanza, in fact, wasn't as effective as I think it could have been. There was this great rhythm and rhyme and in the previous stanza, then in the last, nothing; it sounded a little flat after everything else.
Really great, just one thing you use And a bit much which i suppose is ok, but And is a word I always hated.
EDIT: Snoink beat me to it
Tell me who is "You" I thought it was your boyfriend until you said "Looking for the affection I cannot give." So is it about going to the next level in the relationship or something?
MEh please pm me you got me thinking now :p
Really nice.
Again,I have to agree with snoink.
Really good
I think that you're poem is really lovely! I have to agree with Snoink that you should lessen the use of the word "and". Hope to read more of your works!
Lovely poem! ^___^
One thing I would recommend... in the third stanza, you used a lot of "and" words. And that's bad. I can understand repetition, to an extent, but it seems like every third is an and. Which is bad because most of your word choices are absolutely marvelous, and your constant ands detract from it.
But yeah. Lovely poem! It reminded me of a scene in a novel I am [s]writing[/s] editing.