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Young Writers Society



Death's Servant - Chap. 5

by Evander


A/N: 1,030 words. Quality is probably poorer than usual. I wrote this within two hours. I'm looking for pacing, tips on character interaction, and predictions for going forward.

-

The air between the quartet was tense, only cut by the cool wind of the underworld as it blew past them. Cora found herself staring down at her hands, trying to think of the words to explain the predicament that she had landed everyone in. Regret twisted into a thousand knots in her stomach, unable to be untangled. Balling her fists tight, she signed sorry with her right and looked down at the grass. She envisioned the curse — eldritch and coiling — running through her veins and sapping away at everyone’s life force. Looking back up at Samuel, she could see his face knit together in a frustrated and worried frown. Lena still burrowed her face into the crook of his neck while sobbing, seemingly soaking up his warmth and comfort.

Warmth and comfort that Cora didn’t have.

“If Cordelia is going to freeze up, I guess I’ll explain.” Romy’s typical voice sounded aloof and ambivalent, which was a cold sting compared to the normal consolation that Cora often sought. “Sammy? Samuel? Sam? Whatever your name is, welcome to the underworld — this is where you go when you die.”

Cora’s gaze snapped to Romy in horror — she started signing, “No, wait, stop. I’ll explain. Let me do it. They’ll hate me if you explain. Let me explain.” Her movements were clumsy and frantic, her fingers laden with lead-like dexterity yet her wrists not bound by weight limitations. She took a few steps forward, reaching out to grab Romy and watching in muted shock as her hands passed right through the ghost with little barrier.

Staggering back, Cora put her hands to her face and inhaled in the attempt to calm down her breathing. Her own hands smelled strongly of concentrated petrichor, and felt coated in liquid nitrogen. Anxiety spiked in her chest and brain. She started to rub her hands on her jeans to get the smell and sensation off of her.

Romy rolled her eyes, pupils finally distinct and reflecting the black sky above. “I’m sure they won’t hate you, Cordelia. What you’ve done is more so accidental manslaughter than actual first degree murder. Let dead dogs lie and let me explain — with how you’re reacting, something is bound to get lost in translation.” She waved Cora’s concerns away with a smokey silver hand, a slight shimmer dissipating into the air.

Samuel dropped Lena to the ground, her sobbing no longer audible and resigned to the stillness of the night.

He had no problems with signing, his movements abrupt and deliberate. “Cora, shut up. Ghost, whatever, keep talking.”

Cora didn’t know what to do, thoughts racing through her head at an alarming pace that made everything spin. She thought back to her former foster siblings, how she would have done anything to protect them. The same urge to protect overtook her — Lena’s body shuddering with silent sobs; Samuel’s stance grounded with his fists by his side and his jaw set in an almost enraged expression. How could she protect Lena and Samuel if she was the bad guy in the situation?

How could she stand to live with herself?

Cora fell down, landing on her bottom with an abrupt thud. Unable to think of anything, she curled  her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. There was nothing she could say or sign that would help her.

Samuel and Lena would leave her.

“Don’t worry, Cordelia.” Romy said, her haunted voice carrying across the landscape — Cora wasn’t looking at her, though. Instead, her gaze was trained solely on Lena and Samuel. Lena stood with her bottom lip quivering, gaze twisting from Romy to Cora without any clear destination to land on. Within a split second, however, she geared to bolt, making it only two steps before Samuel snatched the back of her Disney princess blanket.

Lena cried out, “Get off!” She flailed her arms, grasping at the knot around her neck before finally giving up and burying her head into Samuel’s side.

“Wait,” he spoke, using his voice for the first time since Cora had known him — it was deeper than expected, although choked. He had given up his tight grip on Lena’s blanket, accepting her hug around his waist and petting her wild blond hair. His sight wasn’t trained on her, however, instead directly pointed at Romy with an unwavering resolve.

“This may be where you go when you die, but you’re not dead yet — seems that the girl fell down a portal, Cordelia went after her, and that you followed. Being down here isn’t great for the living, though.” Romy said, her voice twisting the word “great” through a different octave of hum. “I can’t say how soon exactly that you’ll die, but you won’t be much more than a husk if you’re down here more than a month.”

Samuel’s mouth hung open. If there were any bugs around, then Cora would have worried about him catching one in his mouth — except, the underworld seemed permeated by an eerie stillness and silence that no other place could match. “Murder,” he signed, his right hand forming a knife that violently dug in below his flat, angled left hand. “Explain.

“Your friend here — Cordelia — is a grim reaper in training. Or, perhaps a defective grim reaper? Regardless, she’s supposed to learn how to lead souls to the underworld. Don’t worry, not your souls. You’re a tad too… lively to die.”

Cora unlocked her arms, pulling herself to her feet. Clarity washed over her in a borrowed facade. She felt tears dribble down her cheeks and off her chin, but she could barely register even having started to cry. “Your explanation isn’t good enough,” she signed, finally looking away from Samuel and turning to Romy.

“Hmm? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” A small smile played on Romy’s lips. “Repeat yourself?”

“Your explanation isn’t good enough.”

“By all means, take over, Cordelia. Don’t know how you’re going to give info any better than I can — you don’t even know half of what there is to being a grim reaper — you haven't even visited the underworld before.”

“I can explain myself.”

Romy shrugged. “Fine by me.”


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Tue Sep 04, 2018 9:20 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, so first I just have to ask: is Cora mute? When the signing first came up, I assumed she was deaf, but Romy doesn't seem to need to sign for Cora to understand her - nor does Samuel, once he speaks - but I'm not quite clear on that point. I'm sure it came up in an earlier chapter, however, so I'll ask for clarification but I won't get into a "this needs to be more obvious in this discrete chapter" or anything like that. It is chapter 5, after all.

On that note, I loved the signing. I like how sometimes you actually describe the sign - for example, when Samuel signs, "Murder," which was a really dramatic moment without being overstated - but you don't drag the story down with constant descriptions of every sign the characters use (which signing readers wouldn't need anyway). I think it worked pretty well to have the signed dialogue in italics but also quotation marks - it gives readers a quick, easy way to parse signed dialogue out both from thoughts and spoken dialogue.

Okay, now onto the things you specifically asked about in your author's note.

Pacing.

No problems here. Not a lot happened, strictly speaking, but there's enough emotion from Cora and conflict between her and Romy to keep up the tension in the scene. I'm also intrigued by the fact that Cora is a reaper-in-training, although it feels like readers probably already know that if they've, you know, read from the beginning. So it's probably not this big revelation for most readers, but it is a big revelation for Samuel and Lena.

Character Interactions.

ON THAT NOTE, I realize there's not a lot of time between Romy telling Samuel that Cora's a reaper-in-training and the end of the chapter, but I lose Samuel and Lena here. Presumably this is a shock to them - I want to at least see their initial reactions, or have Cora purposely avoiding looking at them because she doesn't want to see their initial reactions to hearing this news, but instead they sort of disappeared from the scene.

Re: "murder" - although I loved that moment, I agree with Hatt that it felt a bit off. There was Romy's earlier line that said Cora hadn't committed murder so much as manslaughter, but it was so far from the time of Samuel's comment that they didn't quite come together in my head.

I loved the interactions between Romy and the others, especially Cora. It really separated their characters for me and upped the tension as Cora felt desperate to explain herself because she felt Romy would make things sound even worse than they actually are. Lena and Samuel, especially Lena, are a lot quieter and less noticeable in this chapter, but I think that's to be expected, given how "what the heck is going on" they are right now.

Predictions.

I have no predictions, because I don't think this one chapter really gives me enough to have any. Hopefully my other thoughts were helpful, though!




Evander says...


Yep! Cora is non-verbal, Samuel is hard-of-hearing, Lena is hearing, and Romy is just a hearing ghost.

Thank you for the review!!



BluesClues says...


Thank you for clarifying!



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Wed Aug 08, 2018 4:21 pm
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Hattable wrote a review...



Hey, Adri!

I wrote this review in a WFP so I sure hope the formatting wasn't ruined. I also hope it isn't too long or ramble-y because I... am rusty again.

But, without further ado--!

Regret twisted into one thousand knots in her stomach, unable to be untangled.

This is a very minor thing to start off with, but I think "a thousand" flows better than "one thousand" here?

Romy’s typical voice sounded aloof and ambivalent, with was a cold sting compared to the normal consolation that Cora often sought.

I'm sure you meant "which was" here.

She took a few steps forward, reaching out to grab Romy and watching in muted shock as her hands passed right through the ghost with little barrier.

I'm not sure why there would be muted shock unless Romy had previous been tangible? Unless you mean it as, like, for a moment she expected to be able to grab Romy, but I'm not sure that's something that would cross her mind if she's only ever known Romy as a ghost, y'know?

Staggering back, Cora put her hands to face and inhaled in the attempts to calm down her breathing.

"to her face"*
And I think the end would read better as "in an attempt to calm down her breathing" rather than "in the attempts to".

Anxiety spiking in her chest and brain, she started to rub her hands on her jeans to get the smell and sensation off of her.

This kind of feels like two sentences mushed together? I think it'd work fine if you made the comma a period and broke them up.

with how you’re reacting, something is bound to get lost is translation.”

"lost in translation"*
(I was worried picking out little words here and there would be nit-picky but there's a few typos, so that makes me feel less bad, haha).

He had no problems with signing, his movements abrupt and deliberate. “Cora, shut up. Ghost, whatever, keep talking.”

I'm not sure whether you dropped the italics for signed dialogue just now (or if you did that before and I only just noticed) or if it's only for Cora's.

How could she protect Lena and Samuel if she was the bad guy in that situation?

Using "that" feels weird, but I'm guessing you avoided "this" because of how it makes things feel present-tense and current. You might try tweaking this sentence a little bit to see if you can work out a better wording. Maybe "if she was the bad guy in their situation"? But I'm not sure on that one either--

Unable to think of anything, she curled up her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself.

I think "curled her knees up to her chest" is a smoother ordering of those words? But that's just me.

gaze twisting from Romy to Corawithout any clear destination to land on.

Missed a space! "Corawithout". (And that'll up your word count ever so slightly, haha)

She cried out, screaming, “Get off!” Lena flailed her arms, grasping at the knot around her neck before finally giving up and burying her head into Samuel’s side.

I'm not a fan of how this is laid out. "She cried out, screaming," feels redundant, almost? I suppose it's the second comma that makes it feel like like "screaming: 'get off!'" and more like 'cried out, screaming, [then saying] 'get off!'" if that makes sense?

Also the case of saying "She" and then using her name-- It's kind of odd, and I'm not sure how necessary it is to rename her. Or maybe it's just because it's two sentences that start with "[She] did this"? So you could fix that by making the second one something like "Flailing her arms, she grapsed that the knot around her neck, [...]"

Not sure how important renaming her is, unless you were to do it earlier as the previous paragraph might hold some confusion between it being Lena or Cora (or Romy), but yeah.

“Wait,” he spoke, using his voice for the first time that Cora had known him

This should be "since Cora had known him", or something like that. "First time that Cora had known him" doesn't really work.

seems that the girl fell down a portal, Cordelia went after her, and that you followed.

Second "that" feels unnecessary. I think the first can be read as applying to all three actions without needing to repeat the word. Although, reading it aloud, I'm torn. I'll leave it to your discretion, haha.

If there were anything bugs around, then Cora would have worried about him catching a fly in his mouth

"Any bugs"*? Also, I think specifying "fly" makes the bug comment feel weird? I'm not sure how to explain it but it sort of, like, generalizes all bugs as flies and makes the reading wonky. You could say "any bugs around" and "worried about him catching one in his mouth" to fix this.

the underworld seemed permeated by an eerie stillness and silence that no other place had ever matched.

"No other place had ever matched" takes me out of the story a bit. It draws the perspective from Cora and the others and puts us in a higher seat, showing us more than we'd normally see through their eyes. It feels like exposition? Maybe not the proper term. But basically, saying "had ever matched" implies that our eyes into this story (Cora's, mostly) have experienced absolutely every other place that comes close to this and can verify that the Underworld is absolutely uncontested?

I mean, yes, one could probably assume that the Underworld here is the extreme in this case, but the wording implies that the characters know this for a fact which feels a bit presumptuous.

I'd recommend wording it as "no other place could match" or "no other place Cora had been had ever matched". Something to give it less finality? Because how can Cora know for sure, y'know?

Probably too nit-picky, but oops, that's my perception of it.

Murder,” he signed, his right hand forming a knife that violently dug in below his flat, angled left hand. “Explain.”

Sorry, where does "murder" come in? I don't recall anyone saying anything about murder.

Regardless, she’s supposed to learn how to lead souls to the underworld — don’t worry, not your souls. You’re a tad too… lively to die.”

I think the em-dash makes this sentence move too quickly. A period and then "Don't worry, not your souls" might be more impactful? I admit that's ironic for the em-dash to do, but that's the way it reads.

Cora unlocked her arms, pulling herself to her feet. Clarity washed over her in a borrowed facade.

Hey?? Good sentences? This is some good wordsmithing.

She felt tears dribble down her cheeks off of her chin,

I do have to touch on this one, though. Did you mean "Down her cheeks and off of her chin"?

you hasn’t even visited the underworld before.”

I dunno if this is some '80s slang I've never encountered before or-- nah, just kidding, you've got another typo!

And that's all!

Good ending? I liked the short exchange between Romy and Cora, though Romy seems rude. Not in a particularly malicious way but, like, in a way where she knows she's being difficult but doesn't really care? I'm not sure if that's what you intended with her, but that's the vibe I've been getting. Especially when you describe her as "aloof and ambivalent" haha.

Pacing this chapter was relatively quick, but it was also probably the shortest chapter so far, so that's bound to happen. Flow? Was alright. There were more typos in this one than others, I think. Typos aside, I think the flow was alright.

Characters! Samuel is still protective of Lena and wary of Romy/this whole place, so good on that consistency. Lena is still rUNNING. STOP RUNNING, LENA. Lena is consistent.
Cora? Also consistent. You might look, in future drafts, to play up her despair and anxiety at having pulled another set of foster siblings into trouble, just to make her emotions more palpable to readers? We know she's feeling that way here, but we don't really feel it ourselves? I suppose that is more difficult in a third-person POV, though, whether she's the main perspective or not.

Character interactions were decent this chapter. Romy is very "gimme the reigns!"-y and sort of talks too fast? Uh, and then Cora was just sort of dead most of the chapter until she stepped up at the end (which was a good moment, though). Samuel doesn't talk much so his interactions so far have just been to grab Lena when she tried to run, and to glare at Romy/Cora.
There's nothing done wrong in the interactions, as far as I can gather? They just might need some more spice and liveliness. Though, this is the Underworld, so maybe liveliness isn't likely. [joke]


Anyway, I think that's all. If you have any questions, you know where to find me! Hope this was helpful, and keep up the good work.

- Hatt




Evander says...


Oh! So! Romy looks... semi-corporeal? Like, she has a physical, tangible presence now with semi-defined outlines. So, yeah haha, my intentions were for Cora to want to reach out and grab Romy so Romy would stop talking-- but you're right, it might not actually be a realistic reaction.

Aaand I went through and edited all those bits.

Okay, yeah, that's 100% what I was aiming for with Romy. Glad to know that I'm hitting it, haha.

Hmm, yeah, I'll consider playing up Cora's brief and bringing in a bit more spice.

Thaaank you so much for the review!!




You can't choose your parentage. But you can choose your legacy.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus