Author's note: Heyo! I know that the ending was... pretty rough, so I'd like some advice on how to make it better/clearer. And once again, I'm open to any and all criticism. Thanks! (Side note: this title isn't permanent. It's just a placeholder until I figure out a noun to go there.
1,065 words.
The end of this scene has been retconned.
-
At 2am, the Kiplinger house was silent. The only sounds came from Cora as she crept down the steps, her drawstring bag slung over her shoulders. She took every step with caution, not wanting to wake up Samuel, Lena, or either of their parents. Cora was fortunate enough that no other foster kids had been placed with her; that meant fewer people were at risk of her accidentally killing them. She cast aside thoughts of her former foster siblings, grateful that she had been placed somewhere else before they ultimately died from over-exposure.
She kept her distance from the houseplants and the fish tank, making a beeline for the front door. Slowly unlocking it, the winced at the constant noise that it made as the mechanisms turned and as she pulled the door open. Cora held the door for a moment, tracing her eyes through the living room and waiting for any sound to ring from the upstairs, but was content to hear nothing. She slipped outside, carefully closing the door behind her.
This was her first mistake.
The shrubs rustled and she snapped her head to the noise, praying for the cat to come out. Instead, a little girl with a head of blonde hair rolled out, her body tangled in leaves and in her Disney princess blanket. Lena.
“Whaddya doing out so late, Cory?” Lena found her bearings, awkwardly standing up and brushing the dead leaves off of her beloved blanket. She tilted her head to the side, smiling wide, showcasing her missing two front teeth. “Dad and Mama said that curfew is nine. It’s not nine.”
“C-O-R-A,” Cora corrected, punctuating each letter with a second long pause. She looked out on the neighborhood, able to see the sign for the Middle Creek parkabout three rows of houses away. “Please, don’t tell your parents about this.”
“Where’re you going?”
“NO.”
“Tell me or Imma tell Mama.” A glint flashed in Lena’s baby blue eyes and she stood on her tip-toes. “I’ll guess the park, though. Sammy keeps on talking about it — he says that you don’t wanna go with him, but that makes sense ‘cause he’s a meanie. But!” She slung her blanket around her shoulders like a cape, tying two corners together and horribly disfiguring Cinderella’s face in the process. “You can go with me!”
Cora chewed on her lower lip, staring down at her hands. How long would it take for the exposure to kill her? Lena’s bouncing form was full of so much life, but all that Cora could think about is that every second Lena stayed with her, the more that would die out. Would it take two days? Three months? Four years? Lena was roughly seven, but Cora didn’t even know if that gave Lena more time to live around her or less.
“Please don’t go with me.” She signed, her movements heavy. Cora clutched onto the straps of her bag, pushing her way past the young girl and making her way down the sidewalk. I wish Romy were here.
After Cora’s parents died, she had found solace in the night. The night was safe, with the twinkling stars and the giant moon providing a home that no other foster parents had managed. The soft chirping of crickets and the blinking fireflies normally provided a constant haze of stability throughout the summer nights, but this night felt different. The closer she got to the park, the more she couldn’t ignore the rolling mist coming in from the stretch of woods.
Sometimes, a car would race by, seemingly invincible in the middle of the night.
The sound of flipflops followed up behind Cora, but she refused to glance back. If she ignored Lena for long enough, then perhaps the girl would give up and go back to the house. At least, that was the hope. The feeling of ice water flowed through Cora’s veins, reminding her that something more insideous sought home inside of her body.
The flipflops ceased as Cora came to a pause, ready to cross the street, but she still heard the steady breathing of Lena behind her. Then the voice. “It’s dangerous to go outside alone, y’know. Dad says that I always need a buddy and since I’m already outside, I haf’ta stay with you or somethin’ bad could happen to both of us.”
Crickets chirped their gentle lullabies in the background, but this did nothing to soothe the turmoil that Cora lived with. She watched as the fog continued to roll in.
Letting her resolve snap at the seams, she turned around to face Lena. Waving to ensure the girl’s attention, she started to sign. “Don’t follow me. Go back home. This could be dangerous. I want you to be safe. Got it, L-E-N-A?” She continued to chew on her lower lip, not surprised as blood started to trickle down her mouth.
Lena stood, defiant with her chin upturned. “It’s dangerous to be alone.”
Cora halfway considered turning this moment into a sketch — a girl with her hands on her hips, blanket cape tied around her neck, with darkness shrouded around her and the moon as the only source of light. But she covered that thought with an old tarp, trying to think of the movements to explain to Lena how Cora was really the dangerous one in their scenario. “Please, go away. Stay away from me. Go back home. Stay away. GO.” She pointed both fingers toward the Kiplinger’s house in an abrupt but fluid motion, letting her hands linger there.
This was her second mistake.
Lena turned on her flipflops, beginning to walk home, before making a 180 and dashing past Cora and across the street. Out of the corner of her eye, Cora saw the bright orange lights of an oncoming car and realized that the driver didn’t see Lena. Her heart was caught in her throat as the car approached nearer and nearer.
Without much thinking, she took longer strides and grabbed onto Lena, securing her arms around the girl’s body before skidding across the asphalt. Lena started sobbing. Cora curled her body around Lena’s, trying to ignore the burning of her shoulder and the blood pooling in her mouth.
She watched as the car didn’t even stop, racing around the corner.
And with that, Cora started sobbing along with Lena.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hey Adrian! I promised you a review, so you're getting a review, doggonit!
These phrases are all a little... awkward in their own way. I'd probably say instead "Lena's steady breathing" or "heard steady breathing from Lena behind her"; "She chewed her lower lip. Blood trickled into her mouth."; and something along the lines of "it unlocked so loudly, she was afraid it would wake someone up" or something like that.Next chapter I'll have more story stuff to review, but this chapter I'll probably focus on your beginning and your style.
Let us begin... at the beginning.
I'm intrigued, no lie, as to why Cora's sneaking out at 2 in the morning, and why she keeps thinking about accidentally killing things. I think my issue with this beginning is if I hadn't known the concept beforehand—the equivalent of reading the blurb—I'd be totally blindsided by that in the first paragraph and gone "wait what over-exposure is she radioactive or something?"
Honestly, as a beginning it's a little lackluster. You have the "hook" of Cora killing people around her, but it could use some elbow grease to make that a real conflict in draft 2. I'd be glad to even take the story a step back and show Cora being placed with the Kiplingers, maybe start in the office with her wearing full-body clothes in the middle of July or whatever month this is, or trying to keep her distance in the car, or anything. I guess what I really want is a little more background on Cora before we jump right into the thick of it.
What is Cora's goal right now? Does she just want to get as far away from people as possible? How long has she wanted it? Why has she never run away for good from any foster homes before this?
We see what Cora does, and how Cora feels, but not really who Cora is besides "someone who doesn't like accidentally killing people".
Moving on to the style. You know I know you know this is a problem with you sometimes—where you'll use 15 words instead of 5, or twist phrases around and expand them which really just makes them more awkward. I think it's still a remnant of your writing from when you were younger and trying to sound "literary" or prove your maturity. But we know you better know, and you know us better, so I'd take a look at some of your phrases and figure out when you're twisting them into bigger things than they should be.
You also use a lot of verbs like "continued" and "started". In my personal opinion, it's less important that we know when a character starts to do something than that we simply know they're doing it.
Here's a couple examples to help you out:
This is just a smattering to give you an idea of what I noticed while I was reading.
By NO means do I hate the story! Of course you can hit me up on discord and hear good things all day every day <3 But I love the concepts you're setting up for here, and I really adore that you're writing this story in a way you like, because I've seen you struggle with revamping it for so long. I think it's gonna be pretty awesome, and I'm looking forward to chapter 2!
Keep writing!
Yooo, thank you so much for this review! <333 It was all stuff I really needed to hear. Especially the stuff on style and my constant use of "started" and "continued".
And, yeah, a lot of Cora's character was... shaped by the fact that she didn't want to hurt people? I should honestly work more on who she is, or, uh, who she'd be without being marked.
<333 this was really great!
1. It took me a second to remember what your story was about, even though I've heard you talking about it for months. If I didn't have the pre-requisite knowledge of this book being about necromancy, pretty sure I would have guessed it was about a serial killer.
(#nottotallyinaccurate)
2. My ocd is kicking in and telling me to tell you about the lack of the space between '2' and 'am'.
3. Well you know that normally I wouldn't read anything that is labeled YA/teen fiction, simply because past history and I'm feeling a bit of the genre slipping in already. Not by the age of the character, because that'd be a lame complaint to make and there's no reasoning for it. But I'm thinking more along the lines of a dramatic entrance, though really I guess she's making a dramatic exit from her current location?
All of that description of mine is pretty far out there, so you can really just skim this review if you want.
And since this is Lizz reviewing your piece, let's just skip around.
1. So I'll assume that this was another in the series of mistakes that were alluded to earlier on.
2. But then there's a couple of things about the car continuing on that bother me, mainly because it would have been a risk for Cora to have been in close contact, so maybe my mind is jumping to a vigilante justice plot line.
I always feel awkward leaving reviews this far along, especially when I'm following a really in depth reviewer and I know that I won't be able to ever guarantee that level of quality. So before I go on and quote another section of text, I think something I should probably be covering is the retention of this novel.
- I mean this as "will the reader want to come back or not" and at the moment, I'm sort of mixed on whether I would come back and read the rest. Because on one hand, I want to see if lena does go on some travels with Cora and I want to know what happens with their character interactions. There's a lot up in the air there, just from the tiny little bit that you've revealed to us so far.
- But also as not the typical consumer of this genre, I have many fears. not as much as you as a writer, because you are a great writer, but more an overall fear of the effect of the current plotline set up. Because it's quickly pacing between heartwarming and depressing, which is kinda laying on the prediction that it will go into the gutter.
1. My thoughts are pretty scattered but the involvement of what makes her an orphan, just feels slightly out of place to me? Like it just happened a bit too quickly and then she's brought right back to being concerned about lena, while this seems to be a longer daydream sequence. that's just how I'm imagining it in my mind, but you probably meant it to come across in a completely different way.
2. And then the topic of the 'night' is a whole other thing i really have no energy to discuss at this time, so if you want to hear those ramblings, catch me on discord.
And I think this is really about all that I have to say for now. So I'm gonna roll and maybe I'll review the other chapters tonight.
-lizz <3
yo - can't believe I didn't respond earlier. thank you so much for the review!
Heya, Adri!
I've got a ton of reviews to catch up on from before I went on my trip, but this work is short and should be easy to knock out, so hope you don't mind me using it for some review refreshing, lel.
Gonna dive right in because I write openings last and the review is already pretty long.
I'm guessing you made a typo with “the” and meant “she” instead. I'd also suggest removing the second “as” (before “she pulled the door open”), but I'm not sure if it'd mess with the flow or meaning to do that. It just sounds awkward and vaguely repetitive with the first “as” already seeming to serve both -the mechanisms turning- and her -opening the door- pretty well?
I know “the upstairs” can be proper, but it feels a little off to me. You might consider removing it, but it's not an absolute must.
The second instance of “in”, regarding the blanket, is unnecessary. You can drop that “in”. Specifying that it's “her” blanket also feels weird? I'd just write this as “her body tangled in leaves and a Disney princess blanket”.
Saying “her Disney princess blanket” gives the scene a different feel and makes this character feel... established in a way, I suppose? I'm not really sure how to describe the feeling, but hopefully you can grasp what I'm trying to get at, haha.
“Two missing front teeth” reads a bit better to me? But both ways sound fine, so I'm not really sure.
This could be interpreted as it being earlier than nine? That's just where my brain went with “it's not nine”, like it's not nine yet, but the context of the situation implies the opposite/what you probably mean. I'd recommend switching this to “It's past nine” or something of that sort, just to make things clearer.
Looks like you missed the space key between “park” and “about”!
This exchange is... bothersome. Partially due to “formatting”, partially due to content. In regard to “formatting” (in quotations because I don't think this is the right word for it), the italics in Cora's first dialogue here is weird. I suppose it's meant as a sharp whisper or a hiss, but it doesn't sit well with me for whatever reason.
The other half of the issue is the “NO”, both due to CAPITALIZATION and just the reaction itself. “Where are you going?” “NO”.
I suppose it's... a possible reaction? But it's odd and abrupt and feels almost incoherent. The whole exchange honestly has this awkward vibe of toeing on incoherence, and comparing it to your character interactions in other works, it falls super flat.
I'm not here to specifically compare and contrast the quality of this work with other works unconnected to it? But it's difficult to detach your writing style in other things from the story. It's understandable, though, that interactions with new characters in a new setting would take time to work out, so it'd be an unfair to expect you to write Great Character Interactions all the time. I'm trying to clarify that this isn't something to... dwell on? But I'm just sort of rambling, haha.
Basically oh no these characters still need some work before their interactions are as good as other interactions you've written elsewhere, but I know you're capable of improving this and I look forward to it!
This is actually adorable, lel. I don't really have any notes aside from Lena being rather ramble-y, but she's apparently a young kid, so that's to be expected, so no foul here!
“Is” feels rather present tense here? And the sentence sort of devolves into incoherence. “Every second Lena stayed with her, the more that would die out”-- “that” is out of place? It's the main factor in this being sort of incoherent.
Maybe try something like
These jumps feel a bit optimistic given Cora's predicament. I think the highest I'd go with this is a year or two, and I'd drop the number of months to one or two? Depends how anxious you want to make Cora about her curse, which I'm guessing is probably a lot.
I can understand you trying to show Cora's uncertainty about how much younger people are effected by over-exposure to her, but the four year guesstimate doesn't feel in-character for someone so worried about even approaching a plant or fish tank (flashback to before, in the house). Like I said, it's uncharacteristically optimistic to me.
Oh, I just realized she was signing with the other italics? Is she signing due to her own hard of hearing, or is Lena hard of hearing? Unless she's signing throughout all of this, or Lena is, then the mix of signing and speech is kind of weird? Especially if one of those present is hard of hearing or deaf? Uhh, they'd miss out on the spoken parts, wouldn't they?
Disclaimer: I asked about this in Discord before continuing the review and got answers and oops so Cora is non-verbal and Lena is hearing, but I'll leave my notes in here because 1) lazy and 2) it might allow someone else to avoid asking the same questions?
Oh, but yes, I'd suggest clarifying that she's signing in the first instance of the italics, or her first dialogue, rather than waiting until here, haha.
Minor thing, but “had managed to” is ever so slightly smoother?
This is a nice sentence. If you upped the imagery it could be really great, but imagery doesn't seem to be a large focus in this story (and that's okay!). It's still nice and I just wanted to point it out!
“The more she couldn't” is a weird phrase. I'd reword this as “the more trouble she had ignoring the [...]”
“Middle of the night” is bland, and doesn't feel directly relevant to the car's apparent invincibility? I'd go with “dead of the night” (no matter how cliché it may be >:[ ) and uhh maybe add in something else about its speed? Or, like, mention how it cuts through the night?
Example:
“Flipflops” should be two words.
This should be “insidious”.
Flipflops again!
Infallible logic, Lena. I love it.
Given the context of Cora's signing that I now understand, (lel whoops) I have to commend this bit. It's done nicely, and I like the touch of spelling out Lena's name. Like, that bit isn't entirely necessary in prose? But it plays into the feel that things are being signed. Of course, I can't pretend to know anything about signing, but that's just what I feel about this. Nice work!
Biting hARD.
I think this would read better as “Lena stood defiant, her chin upturned”.
Ohh, I saw this part in a sneak peek, nice nice. Except given that Cora doesn't have a notebook or pencil with her (as far as I know? Unless you mentioned it and I forgot?) then the idea to sketch is kind of random and out of place. It's still nicely written, though.
Really just pointing out each instance of “flipflops” so that you can get them all, not to be incessant, lel--
This should be a fast-paced, quick event, but it sort of drags out in these few sentences. I understand the difficulty in writing fast-paced action like this, but unfortunately I don't have the means to really help fix it! Hopefully you can figure something out, though, because right now it's rather sluggish and that doesn't flow well with a speeding car, haha.
And done!
This chapter was much shorter than the works you usually post, but that works well for me considering I'm just getting back into reviewing after a month of Zero Reviews and wow this one took me a while.
Some quick notes-- Pacing! Was good in this. Flow? Relatively consistent, minus the car scene. Everything else was pretty good, I think. Characters! New and going to take some getting used to and they're understandably underdeveloped thus far, but the signing is interesting to see in prose and you handle it pretty well (once it's known that there's signing). Lena is cute and kind of reminds me of Luca from Flower Boy.
I'm looking forward to seeing how you handle Cora's non-verbality more, and of course seeing how the story unfolds (what's up with her curse thingamajig? Will Lena survive hanging with her? Who's Romy?)
Overall, though it doesn't quite match up with the quality of other works of yours, this is still a good start, and not all stories have to be on the same level of quality? Plus, I'm sure going back and reading the start of Flower Boy or TAB compared to their endings would reveal similar crunchiness at the start. My hindsight is just obscured by my most recent encounters with those stories, which are their endings, where you knew the characters the most and could write them the best.
Anyway, hopefully this review was helpful. This was a good little start to your LMS and I look forward to future installments!
- Hatt
I responded on Discord but I just wanted to add here that I really appreciate all of your reviews
Oh, thanks
Yes np!
She kept her distance from the houseplants and the fish tank, making a beeline for the front door. Slowly unlocking it, the winced at the constant noise that it made as the mechanisms turned and as she pulled the door open. Cora held the door for a moment, tracing her eyes through the living room and waiting for any sound to ring from the upstairs, but was content to hear nothing. She slipped outside, carefully closing the door behind her.
^^^ this one I think you mean "then" instead of "the" which I thought earlier you meant the "the" on purpose so I got a bit confused about it but I realize now it's just a spelling mistake I think.
Oh dear there were a lot more to this idk why it cut it out
Ahh, I probably meant "she", haha
Very interesting. Different, and mysterious. I can't tell exactly what is going on, but it leads me and most likely others to want to read more! I like the storyline so far, it's a brilliant idea, and I'm pretty excited to see more and learn about Cora and what's going on but I like the characters and the foundation of your story. I like the ending too! It draws you in and entices you and you gotta write more.
Here are my favorite parts:
Cora halfway considered turning this moment into a sketch — a girl with her hands on her hips, blanket cape tied around her neck, with darkness shrouded around her and the moon as the only source of light. But she covered that thought with an old tarp, trying to think of the movements to explain to Lena how Cora was really the dangerous one in their scenario. “Please, go away. Stay away from me. Go back home. Stay away. GO.” She pointed both fingers toward the Kiplinger’s house in an abrupt but fluid motion, letting her hands linger there.
This was her second mistake.
^^^^^ this is so good I love it
After Cora’s parents died, she had found solace in the night. The night was safe, with the twinkling stars and the giant moon providing a home that no other foster parents had managed. The soft chirping of crickets and the blinking fireflies normally provided a constant haze of stability throughout the summer nights, but this night felt different. The closer she got to the park, the more she couldn’t ignore the rolling mist coming in from the stretch of woods.
^^^ this as well is very well written.
In all this is wonderful and I hope you write more and figure out the rest of the title and I have to correct is just maybe make your sentences a bit more easy to understand, some of the sentences were worded kinda awkwardly but I make those mistakes too so don't worry about it.
OK KEEP WRITING I LIKE THIS
Do you know which sentences were worded awkwardly? It's sometimes difficult for me to spot those problematic sections, haha.
Thank you so much for your review!
This is a really interesting opening for the book! You make Cora's character really interesting and mysterious, and I can't wait to see how her character develops. I also like how, even within the first chapter, Cora's relationship with Lena has seemed to change. She goes from being slightly annoyed at Lena, wishing to keep her distance, to being really protective when she saves Lena from the car.
I don't have much critique, but I guess I'll just mention a few things if you find them helpful.
"Cora was fortunate enough that no other foster kids had been placed with her; that meant fewer people were at risk of her accidentally killing them."
This sentence was a little awkward. Maybe something like "Cora was relieved no other foster kids had been placed with her; fewer people were at risk of her accidentally killing them." would be better?
Also, mentioning that Cora is signing everything she says from the beginning would be helpful, since I was a little confused when you first mentioned she was signing. It sort of seemed like she decided to sign randomly or something.
"And with that, Cora started sobbing along with Lena."
I was a little confused about this part. Maybe more description of how the car passes them and how the situation made Cora feel would give more context.
Overall, this was great and I can't wait to read more!
Thank you so much for this review!
Yeah, when editing, I'll definitely make sure to mention the signing earlier rather than later. I'm so used to italics text that it was just natural for me to write it that way without clarifying.
Oh, yeah, I'll definitely be sure to add more description to that last part. I was sort of rushed when I wrote it, but I'll definitely keep that in mind for next time.
Thank you so much for the review!
oops I said thank you twice whoops
Hi Evander!
Just here for a quick review. I am sorry if I offend, it is never my intention!
First off: I love this! I love it so much and you've only just started it. I am already so invested in Cora's life, as well as Lena's. I love literature that involves younger characters, as not many do. I love the way Cora acts with Lena, strangely protective.
Now for some suggestions: I am a bit confused. Cora seems to sign everything, but it is not confirmed if she is deaf, or just doesn't speak. Does she read Lena's lips, or can she hear her? And how can Lena see her in the dark, and understand her so quickly? Did she know ASL before they met? Just make it clearer
On a similar note, I am not clear on the ending. How did they 'skid' across the asphalt? How did they avoid the car? Did they go past the car or miss it?
One last thing, where was Lena? She appears from a bush, but why is a seven year old outside alone at that time of night? Seems unrealistic. I'm a bit confused.
I didn't see any grammar mistakes!
Overall, please add me to the list! I would love to read the next installment. Great job with developing interest in the first part, I am hooked!
Keep Writing,
Sheadun
Thank you so much for the review! And yeah, haha, I should have been clearer. Cora is non-verbal, so she can hear but not speak. And... hmm, yeah, I'll definitely have to work out how Lena was able to see her.
This will be shown in the later chapters, but Lena knows ASL because her brother is hard-of-hearing! So yep, she knew ASL before she met Cora
In my mind, Cora basically tackled Lena to get out of the way of the car -- so yep, the car totally missed them! But yeah, I have to work on making that section clearer.
Alright, haha, I should have definitely been a bit more clear on this -- she was waiting for her brother or Cora to sneak out, which I will hopefully once again make a bit more clear in the next chapter.
I'll definitely be sure to ping you when I update! Thank you so much for the review. I really appreciate it.
Thanks for the clarification. No worries, first drafts are always hard
And good! I%u2019m glad Lena doesn%u2019t live in the shrub. Phew.
Good luck!
Sheadun