Death's Servant - Chap. 8

Heyo, Adrian!

Woot woot, next chapter!

Romy paced in the middle of the square, muttering to herself in such mixed tones that not even Lena could figure out what she was saying.

Is this the clearing where they fell from the portal? The mention of a reaper village last chapter paired with the description of a square here had me originally thinking there had been a time skip and that they were now in a village, haha.
I'm not quite sure because it's been so long since I read the other chapters, but I think the way you describe the clearing they landed in changes a few times. If so, you might wanna go back when you get a chance and figure out a more consistent phrasing for it.

The two living souls and the abomination sat together in a makeshift camp of sorts, absently paying attention to Romy every once and a while when she uttered something discernible.

Oh, okay, so Samuel, Lena, and Cora respectively. Got it.

By the way, I notice you making this mistake often in general conversation but never caught it in your writing so correcting it felt rude, but-- the saying is “once in a while”, not “once and a while”. It's a common mistake, similar to how people go “should of”/”could of” when it's really “should've”/”could've”. Like, it sounds the way you spelled it just as much as they way it's meant to be spelled, so don't worry about the mistake, haha.

Cora swallowed back any sense of dread, instead pulling Samuel's backpack off of her back and tossing it to him. He caught it, signed a quick thanks, and then zipped it open.

I feel like she may have already given him his backpack back? But again, it's been a while, so don't pay this too much mind.

I'll also note that “zipped open” is kind of weird, to me at least? Initially I saw “zipped” and interpreted it as him closing it, and was confused as to why it had been open all along, but then reread and realized that I missed the meaning of “open”. I'd go with “unzipped it”? But it's up to you! I don't often run into “zipped open” but it might not be as awkward as I'm thinking.

Mrs. Kiplinger had been nice enough to buy her a few items -- along with her former foster parents

Okay, I completely understand what this sentence is saying, but I've gotta admit that it reads a bit as though Mrs. Kiplinger bought Cora's former foster parents. Do you see it? This is less an editing note and more a funny anecdote, but if you can figure out a better wording then I won't protest, haha.

With that, she ripped out a page out of the back of the backpack and handed it to Lena, who had started to become antsy just sitting there and watching the ghost pace back and forth.

“Ripped out a page out of” is repetitive, but I'm sure it's a typo more than intentional wording. Another issue here is that she... ripped a page out of the “back of the backpack”? Surely you meant sketchbook?

Without thinking, she stood up. Without thinking, she cast her sketchbook to the ground, walked up to Romy, walked through Romy, and finally after getting the ghost's attention, she signed, "What's going on?"

This is a rather winding sentence and I think it could be cut down a little.
I liked the repetition of “without thinking” to emphasis her actions. I wonder if a third would be overkill, but if not you could write this like: “Without thinking, she stood up. Without thinking, she cast her sketchbook to the ground. Without thinking, she walked up to Romy, walked through Romy. Finally, after getting the ghost's attention [...]”
I dunno if that sounds any good or if the “without thinking” becomes too much at that point, but it's a suggestion.

Cora tried to ignore the intensity of petrichor that lingered on her skin or how she could hardly even feel her skin, but that didn't matter.

She tried to ignore […], but that didn't matter. This doesn't feel right. Dismissing a thing she's attempting to ignore as not mattering is odd. Unless you're trying to say that the way she felt didn't matter, but that doesn't sit very well with the sentence starting out saying that she's trying to ignore it, if that makes sense? Like, setting out with her ignoring it gives a different vibe from her just acknowledging it and going “oh that doesn't matter”. There's a different sense if she's trying to ignore it.

"No. Just. Go into one of the houses. Invite one of your friends. Look around. If you're not going to stay in the underworld, then I can't exactly dulvurge secrets now, can I?"

Oh, wait, was it a time skip with them now in a town? Oops.

Also, “dulvurge” isn't a word. You probably meant “divulge”.

And that due to being immortal, grim reapers cannot have children.

Explaining it as due to their immortality is odd. Then again, I don't yet know the logistics of how your fantasy world works here. I suppose them being grim reapers would be enough of an explanation that they can't have children, but specifying that it's because of their immortality rather than them being reapers changes things. I'm curious about this, now. I think it could use a bit more clarification in the prose itself, if possible without an info-dump?

She glanced back down at the watch, stifling a yawn as she realized the time. 5:14am.

The watch was last mentioned in the previous chapter, with no allusions to it thus far in this chapter. I think it'd be best, then, to say “her watch” here? We know it's her watch, but, y'know--

Samuel signed, cocking his head to the sign and then moving her hands to give Lena a nuggie.

Moving his hands, you mean? Unless someone else was doing something with their hands that's been removed from the scene. It reads as though you either typed the wrong pronoun or wanted to imply Lena was doing something with her hands, but it doesn't flow very well for the latter to work.

I also dunno if there's regional variations in the spelling (or if there's just multiple acceptable spellings), but I've always seen “nuggie” spelled as “noogie”.

The girl giggled and squirmed, kicking her feet and trying to get away from him.

Also! I've never known anyone to giggle and behave like they're being tickled when given a noogie. Noogies are usually kinda rough (though they don't have to be) and unless Lena's got a ticklish scalp, this reaction doesn't seem entirely coherent.

She didn't know if a hamlet would be a better term, but it had been years since she had been curious about the differentials. Still, the twelve houses all looked relatively identical, all with the same dilapidated cobble design on the outside with the only true differences in style being the level of vines crawling up the sides.

Good sentences. I particularly enjoyed the wording and light description here.

As if the universe rang out, a small meow broke through the silence. Slinking in out from behind one of the houses was a tiny kitten, completely and utterly black with glowing green eyes.

KITTEN! KITTEN! KITTEN!

“Slinking in out” oops-- probably drop the “in”, huh?

In an instant, Lena had sat up and ran towards the kitten. With both of her arms out, she yelled, "Kiiitty!"

Haha, Lena. I think having her go from sitting up to running is a little weird, here, though. Maybe you could swap “sat up” for “jumped up” or something to give it more... of that energetic movement she'd get from excitedly going after a kitten? Something that lands her on her feet, at least.

Also, I notice you use “in face of” a couple times throughout this chapter. The first instance felt alright, but this second instance with Lena and the kitten [“But the kitten didn't scurry away, as Cora would have suspected, instead staying completely still in face of the energic seven-year-old.”] feels like it would be better suited with “in the face of”.

Suddenly, she could smell the lobby of the vets office and the ticking clock was ever apparent in front of her.

I think “vets office” would have an apostrophe in “vets”? Not sure, though.

The watch was on the small, then her hand.

Sorry, what?

She couldn't tell if Samuel was worried more for the kitten or for Lena, but she then figured that he was scared equal measure for the cat and his sister, with how delicately he separated them out.

The wording on Cora's realization that Samuel is worried for both kit and kid equally is a little choppy. It's not unnecessary, though, so a simple rewording is in order. Perhaps something like: “She couldn't tell if Samuel was worried more of the kitten or for Lena, but then, given how delicately he separated the two, she figured he was scared equal measure.”
Not the best example, but it makes the sentence a little less winding and hopefully helps it flow more smoothly? Describing Samuel as “scared” in the second part feels weird, though. “Concerned”, maybe? I do like the use of “equal measure” though.

Quickly, he beckoned for Cora, as if unaware of her curse, holding the kitten out to her as if she was supposed to just take it and have it not instantly die in her hands.

Can't tell if this should be “as if she was supposed to” or “as if she were supposed to”.

Extending her hands, she took the kitten and held it out from her. It's meow turned into nothingnesss as its skin shifted from fur to skeleton.

And done.


That ending felt a bit abrupt, kind of surreal. It was a good vibe and it'd be neat if more of the story were like that? I'm not entirely sure how to describe it, but there was a sort of muted urgency what with Cora swimming in her memories and Samuel trying to separate his sister and the cat, then handing the cat to Cora? It was really neat and a good read.

The ending was just rather abrupt, and the correlation between the final line about mystery and the cat turning to bones isn't quite clear to me yet. Maybe next chapter will elaborate? Like, I'm not sure if the cat died 'cause of Cora or if it just shifted form...? Hence the hint about mysteries in the underworld? But now that I think about it, nah, huh, that cat is dead. Rip.

Anyway! Good chapter! Much more consistent than the previous chapter. Much less bouncy and wild. Romy felt more absent, but just as much like Romy, I suppose. It was, obviously, a shorter chapter than usual (not sure the actual word count) so not a lot could happen, but it was good?

I'd touch on character consistency but given the craziness of last chapter and the relative calm of this one, I'm not sure how to. There's still that cut-off of me dropping out for a few weeks, so it'll take a couple more chapters to get into the groove again.
This isn't a note against your characters or their consistency. They were very good this chapter and all behaved as themselves? Lena, especially, haha. Always running into things!

Cora's flashbacks were a nice touch without going too far into detail? Like, just the glimpses of her past and her old pet was good enough to convey her horror at having to hold this underworld kitten? I dunno.

One last thing because I'm gonna theorize about the kitten until next chapter (when you probably reveal that it's PERMADEAD) but. Hm. I think a kitten might be too small to fall through the portal without deteriorating, huh? The fall, at least, would probably leave it rather broken beneath the portal. So this is likely an underworld kitten all the way through. Which, in that case, wouldn't it be more immune to the effects of the underworld? And thereby the effects of Cora's unfortunate curse?

But that's just a theory! A cat theory!


The kitten is my new favorite character please bring it back.

- Hatt