I watch as she deteriorates before my eyes, rendered powerless by forces beyond my control.
She doesn’t know what’s happening, what she’s becoming,
She barely knows what she ate for breakfast,
She doesn’t know that she introduced herself to me four times since I arrived an hour ago,
She refuses to eat, slowly slipping into a light sleep.
She doesn’t remember that she has two sons,
She paces between the table and the counter, mumbling something to her deceased husband,
She doesn’t remember when her birthday is,
She scribbles on a pad of paper, insisting it’s poetry.
She doesn’t know how bad she is,
She believes she’s still young,
She doesn’t know what the doctors say,
She lives in a land all of her own.
I only hope that she won’t know when she slips into oblivion.
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137,651 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Cassie here with a review.
Memories are a beautiful thing, don't let them go no matter how much they hurt. Try to hold onto the beautiful ones.
I have been through hard times too. I know people who have gone through similar things you have gone through. It tore them apart.
This poem was very inspirational to me becauase it shows how much you care about your family. Thats an amazing thing.
You are a grear writer, dont ever give up on your dreams.
Thank you so much! I know it's kind of a rough piece, but that's really because I sped through it and threw it up here. Thank you so much though!
Hullo!
Specifics
1. The first line is a bit long and prosey at the moment - maybe try cutting some of the surplus words and condensing it a little. Like:
Her deterioration is in front of my eyes but beyond
the forces I control;
2. I think you could cut 'what's happening' from the second line as 'what she's becoming' says the same thing but in a more interesting way.
3. Being specific in poetry is a really good way to build a strong image so instead of lines like 'she barely knows what she ate for breakfast' which is very general, you could have something like 'She barely remembers if today was cereal/ or beans on toast'. I think this is a nice piece of content by the way as it's something we can all relate to which really helps bring the condition home.
4.
Again, this is a bit wordy for poetry. Maybe: 'She doesn't know this is our fourth hello today'
Overall
The ending is nice and gets more poetic and starts to flow very smoothly and I love the theme of this. I think you need to be a bit more sparing with your words especially in the earlier lines and while I think the repetition suits the theme, it's not working very effectively because the 'she doesn't know' is a slightly boring phrase to repeat and comes a little too often. Maybe if you repeated it less then the reader would be less likely to skim past it.
All the best with this!
~Heather
*Sniff* I SMELL MEMORIES!
It's a long one, or a run-on sentence. It just goes on and on, without a stop. I guess you can put a punctuation mark here and there, just to let the readers slow down a bit. It's up to you.HI THERE, I'M MEMORYHUNTER FOR A REVIEW ON YOUR POEM.
I'll start with the technical stuff first.
1. Rhythm, rhyming scheme
It's okay, but in some places, the rhythm seemed chunky. Especially in the longer lines. It's because you have long lines, and then short, and then another long again. It disrupts the flow of things. Also, if you're going to do long lines, it must have a sort of positive effect on the readers. Here it just lengthens the thought and the idea of that line trails off. I had to read some of the long lines again just so I can hold on to the gist of it.
You also could have shortened that first part, or rephrased it. My opinion.
It's free-verse, so I guess I can't really comment on the rhyming scheme.
2. Stanzas
There's only one present stanza in here. Perhaps you don't know how to separate stanzas in YWS? (Assuming that you're new here. Welcome to YWS!) here is a guide that might help you. Or, maybe you just intended it to be one stanza. Which, is okay, that is your preference. Usually, I like to separate my poems into more than one stanza because then, it would be too big for people to read. But that's just me.
3. Grammar, etc.
I don't really look into grammar in poetry that much. It's because grammar can be played around with in poetry as an art form. But, there are some exceptions. For example, if your grammar and spelling would distract the readers from reading your poem as a whole. Here, it seems to not be the case. Good job!
4. Punctuation
It's okay. But in some sentences, you lack punctuation. For example, in here.
5. Capitalization
You capitalized the first letter of every line. I think what suits this poem more is capitalizing only the first letter of proper nouns, words following a period, or the word 'I'. So you don't have to capitalize in every line. However, again, it's up to you. It just feels better to me. What you did here, I think, is better in old poetry or poetry that feels rather arcane.
Now, on to the fun stuff~
I just want to say that I kind of feel you. I also have a grandmother, whose spouse is deceased, and I just feel like she needs me or whatever. I live with her, sleep beside her, and I think the same as you. Though, she isn't that sick, mentally and physically. But I fear that in the future, she'll just be like the one in your poem, and it just makes me wonder about the things to happen. I like this poem and how I related to it.
6. Emotions
Okay, so we have a lot of them here. I like how you didn't bluntly say the narrator is concerned for her or whatever. Instead, you showed us what was happening to her, and in a way, that shows a lot about our narrator here. But, I need more. I need more imagery, describe things a little bit further. What does our narrator see in her? Make it more flowery, if you're going for that dramatic path here. Sure, it's fine now, but it can be improved.
7. Beginning and end
The beginning and end are the most important parts in poetry for me. The beginning wasn't that strong, in my opinion, just because you told as she deteriorates, that she's rendered powerless, but didn't really show us just that. How do you know that she deteriorates? Personally, I don't think you need the first line here, because based on the following lines, we already know that she's rendered powerless by forces, beyond the narrator's control. You can replace it with something else.
The end is better than the beginning. Oblivion is such a strong word and the idea of that last line was mind-boggling-ish. It shows how much the narrator cares for his/her grandma. It's just neatly tied together with the title. I like the ending line. I mean, I love it.
8. All in all
All in all, I think it's a fine piece. Sure, it needs work, but when you get to the point where it's super polished, ready to go, it'll be great. I just love the thing you have with the 'she doesn't know' here, and how that last line correlates with it! When I think of it, it actually sounds like one of my older poems, too. That witty addition to the piece.
I would love to see your future works and how you've improved!
AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING~