I see a light in the distance as I approach, a neon-blue sign, like a lighthouse, guiding this lost vessel. The sign is surrounded by dull yellow lights, softening its harsh glare. I amble along cautiously, each step met with the crunch of gravel beneath my feet. The crisp breeze beats the side of my face, carrying memories of childhood, reminding me of the way things used to be. Drawing nearer, I gaze upon the sign, “The Fountain Inn,” it says, “Rooms Available.” A lighted tree is rooted in the distance, beckoning for me to come closer. I pause. Oddly, I feel as though I’ve seen it before, perhaps in a dream, or maybe in a picture. I resume my journey, seeking a memory from the chatoyant lights in the distance.
Walking through a glass door, I hear the off-key chime of a bell, the purr of a small cat. Looking up from my feet, I find that the room bears an air of familiarity. I look around, the faint laughter of children ringing through the walls. I see where a young boy learned to jitterbug, where a scraped knee was bandaged, and I feel as though I am home. Five feet from me is an elderly women of average height, wearing a mustard yellow sweater. She sits behind a splintered wooden desk, sipping a mug of fragrant black coffee, the New York Times crossword puzzle in her hands.Behind her I notice a clock, the hands moving backwards. I begin to clear my throat to notify the woman of my presence, but I find that she is already looking at me, greeting me with the tattered remnants of what once was a hearty New-England accent. I inquire about a room.
She hands me a key, and I offer her money, but she refuses it. Standing up, she leads me to my room—room 16. As I enter, a wave of deja vu comes over me. I’m watching my childhood—the damp smell of the room evokes a barrage of feelings, convincing me that my instinct of familiarity was correct. I lay my head down on the pillow only to be violently awoken. I open my eyes to find that there is no bed, but only dirt. Rising from the earthy sheets I look around, only to find that there are no lights, there is no colorfully lit tree, no off-key bell chiming, no cat purring. The woman in the mustard yellow sweater is gone, the crossword remains unfinished, the neon-blue sign has been removed.
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140,447 Literary Works • 673,199 Reviews
I really liked this Narrative poem, all the specific details that you included didn't just make the image very clear but I also personally think that the details made the readers really experience the same feelings as the main character in this case, making the reader not just read what is happening but also feel what is happening.
I loved how all those little specific objects that the main character wold come across where very symbolic, especially when it says "behind her I notice a clock, the hands moving backwards.". And I think these little details really make the whole story.
One small thing that I though was a bit off is when it says" "the fountain in" it says "rooms available". considering it is a poem even though it is narrative, it gave me the idea of more a story then a poetic piece of writing, which confused me for a second. Other then that I think the poem is great, great writing and use of small details which really makes this poem unique.
You are amazing at writing, keep it up!
Thank you so much!
This piece gives deep insight to how memories from the past can feel to a person through little hints.
"Oddly, I feel as though I’ve seen it before, perhaps in a dream, or maybe in a picture. I resume my journey, seeking a memory from the chatoyant lights in the distance."
"As I enter, a wave of deja vu comes over me. I’m watching my childhood—the damp smell of the room evokes a barrage of feelings, convincing me that my instinct of familiarity was correct."
This whole story seems like a dream sequence or hallucination that someone might have. Something strange, yet oddly familiar in a captivating and horrifying way.
Thank you so much for your input! That's exactly what I was trying to explore in writing this.
Hi there! It's Akelia!
Now for the sweetness.
Anyway, what's up? I'm here to review this work of writing! I usually do reviews as sweet and sour, so let's start with the sour first, just to get it over with.
1. When you say {Drawing nearer, I gaze upon the sign, “The Fountain Inn,” it says, “Rooms Available.”} I didn't really think this flowed to well, particularly the part where it said, 'it says', between the two wordings. I would put that before "The Fountain Inn, just for it to sound a little bit more like it makes sense.
And that's it for sour!!
I thought this was very well written, and that you did a great job with it! It kind of sounded like Alice in Wonderland a bit, moving from one scenario to another. While suddenly switching places is confusing, putting it in writing is hard. But you did a great job with putting this all together and writing it! I loved the feels, it kind of felt a little creepy. Anyway, good job!
Never stop writing,
Akelia Taske
Thank you so much! It means a lot to get productive criticism as well as commendation, so thank you!
No problem!
I really liked how descriptive you were with the main character's actions and what was really happening throughout the story. I loved how at the end he randomly woke up in the dirt, that was what really got me into it. I really want to read more and find out what happens, it is a really awesome book so far. Keep writing, your amazing at it. I need to know more about the book, so I really hope that you add to it.
Honestly I hadn't even considered a backstory/addition to this, but now I will. Thanks for the idea!