I was falling. Suddenly and without warning I had been plucked from home and dropped. That was all I could make out. As I fell it felt strange. It did not feel as if I was alone. It felt as if there was someone with me, maybe even two others.
I made impact with the ground and was mortified as my shape shattered into tiny pieces. It was utter agony! The points of my body had been snapped and broken; my body had cracked and fallen in to pieces. I was screaming, but no one could hear me.
The pain became worse, as my little shards began to reform, but this time, it was not the familiar shape I knew well. I became something tall and thin. It felt strange; it did not radiate heat like my other body did. This was like a flickering candle, compared to my normal scorching heat.
But the torture was not over. Knowledge and energy started to flow into this body. It was coming from all around me, suddenly everything stopped. I looked up at something pitch black with little silvery dots that winked at me, there was also a large glowing disk looking at me. At first I thought it looked strange, before I realised where I was, what I was looking at. I was on the planet I normally smiled down upon, I looked like a human teenage girl and I was looking up at my home, the sky.
I turned my head and saw two other girls. It took me a second to realise who they were - Jesette and Fadora my two sister stars. We got to our feet and walked over to each other, not saying anything, just looking at one another.
Jesette had straight jet black hair that reached to the small of her back. My eyes looked into hers and at first glance I thought they were a golden brown colour, but then I noticed that I was wrong. Her eyes were burning suns. Just like the one I used to see. She was tall, only a touch shorter than me, and skinny.
Fadora looked really different from Jesette; she had straight, shoulder length, honey blonde hair with a single black streak at the front. But her eyes were something else, like Jesette’s, at first I thought they were brown, almost black with a caramel brown ring around the outside, but then I realised that her eyes held imploding stars in them. Fadora was shorter and thinner than Jesette.
I pulled a few strands of hair over my shoulder and looked at them. My hair was a long caramel brown colour that waved and curled. I could only guess what I looked like. I was about to ask when I noticed, that we were all wearing flowing, silver dresses, it also occurred to me that we would now have to. Fadora gasping brought me out of my thoughts.
“Letheana, your eyes, they have the galaxy in them,” her voice sounded sad, as if she were thinking of home. I walked to her and hugged her for comfort. Jesette joined us and soon we were all hugging.
After a few minutes of silence Jesette rattled off many questions.
“What are we going to do? Where are we going to go? We have no idea how people will react to us. And really I don’t want to find out! I think we should stay out of their way and not make contact with them,”
I gave her a cold stare and said;
“I know you’re upset but you need to calm down, because it’s not helping the situation,” Even though we were sister stars I never really liked her, she was against everything anyone ever said to her. Like if it wasn’t her idea then it was wrong, but still I waited for her to calm down before I continued. “Well to start with we’re in a place we’ve never been before. We don’t know how many of us fell or where they are, let alone where we are. We’ll have to find a place to rest for the night and look around tomorrow. But I don’t see the point in avoiding people; we look like them so there’s no real reason for us not to speak with them,”
After an hour of arguing we decided to go look for a place to stay. We walked through a small outcrop of trees and found a cave that would shelter us from rain or wind. We walked into the cave cautiously and found that the inside as warm and dry, so we decided to sleep there for the night.
After a long night’s sleep I woke up confused, I had momentarily forgotten where I was and just before asking Fadora I remembered last night’s ordeals. I stood up and stretched, my fingers brushing the cave roof, I looked over at the others to find them waking also. We groggily greeted each other and walked outside to get a better idea of our surroundings.
I could finally see everything around me, and it took my breath away. The cave we slept in was covered in moss and leaves. It looked small from the outside and made me question whether we actually slept in there. Everything was so green! It was absolutely beautiful and I couldn’t get enough of it all, I couldn’t stop spinning around looking it all.
Last night as we argued for an hour we had decided that today we would go and find out what the city was like. It was decided that we needed to live the way normal people did, instead of trying to find our way back, which was impossible.
******
It took us a while to get to the city but once we were there we couldn’t stop moving. Everything was so beautiful and different to what we were used to. There were so many people, of all different sizes and ages.
As I looked around at everything, all the people and the buildings, I noticed that I could easily live here. It was such an amazing place and as I looked around at all the buildings there was one that caught my attention. One building, we really it was more than just one building there was heaps of them in one spot, that I was intrigued by, there were heaps of people around our age pouring out with happy looks plastered on their faces.
What is this place? Why are all these people so happy? And why do I want to go there?
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140,769 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Yes! This is definitely the best of the three, it ticks all the boxes.
Beautiful description, a twisting turning kaleidoscope of thoughts,
truth, and metaphors.
It is certainly not a stand alone novel, it is somthing you know must carry on, or you might be responsible for sending several of your readers to a mental asylum, from anticipation of what comes next.
But best of all is the first person not really knowing what's going on. Who? What? Where? Why? Most importantly, When? is the sequel coming out?
Why thank you. This was my english assignment, though I did change it slightly. I got a B on it. I myself have already got a few ideas. Though with the ideas it could lose a few people.
Well I'm waiting until next week before I post more, I have to find out which was the favourite.
But really thank you for everything you've said.
The beginning of this story is great! I loved the imagery, loved the mystery, and the suspense. Great way to begin a piece.
The description of the characters appearance is mostly unnecessary. It was a lot of information spoon fed to the reader. I loved the descriptions of the exploding suns as eyes though. It was interesting wording. Try to lengthen the distance between descriptions, or try to shorten them. It will do a lot for the readers focus. It will also help keep track of the characters easier.
The mystery of this entire story was great, it had me wondering the entire time. Why are stars becoming people? Why are they on Earth? It was great. Love it, keep that up. I suggest feeding some answers at some point though. Here or another follow up story. Reader's interest will only be piqued for so long.
The only phrasing that bothered me near the end was the use of the word 'heaps' twice. Try to vary the diction so as to provide more spiced up visuals. The way you used the word plastered made me think plastic doll smile, so the image was slightly creepy. If that was your intention, congrats. If not, I suggest another word in place there. Questions by the character themselves are a great way to keep the mystery going, but sometimes the character has to do some plot moving themselves. The character moves the plot, not the other way around.
Overall I like this story, interesting choice of diction in this one. I suggest practicing on learning how to omit. It will be an invaluable tool to determine what is necessary and what is not. I wonder how the suns came to be on the Earth. I really do. Keep up the writing and reading!
This was my english assignment, of course I slightly changed it, so everything sort of had to happen. It was only allowed to be 1000 words sooo.
Anyway this helped alot!! So thank you.
Hi EscapeToNeverland,
If I was a moth, the words "Short Story: Fantasy, Science Fiction" would be a flame. Of course I had to read your story, and I thought it was excellent.
I thought this was an interesting plot. Most really good stories resemble others, but I have never read anything like this.
But I can't help but say it- I wish you would expand on this piece. As previously stated, you've got an awesome story going here. It was great as a short story, but I think you could develop it. Not necessarily into a whole novel, but maybe a longer short story.
Sorry, that wasn't really reviewing, just a suggestion. here's the actual reviewing:
I noticed a couple errors in your piece.
First, "I made impact with the ground and was mortified as my shape shattered into tiny pieces. It was utter agony!"
Mortified wasn't really the best word to use. It means embarrassed. I think embarrassment would be the least of her problems.
"It took me a second to realise who they were - Jesette and Fadora my two sister stars."
It should be "It took me a second to realise who they were - Jesette and Fadora, my two sister stars." Yes, I did only add in a comma. Sorry for nitpicking.
Your plot is a bit complex for the amount you wrote. Imagine having thirty seconds to summarize the entire Harry Potter series. It would be very rushed, and it would be unlikely anyone would understand any of it. You definitely don't want to do that when you're writing.
I hope all of this was really helpful!
Oh! I didn't see the thing about the novel at the top! I'll go read the other stories right now.
I vote for this one. Like I said, I just love SciFi Fantasy.
Thank you so much for everythign you've said. You've helped alot!
Thank you so much for everythign you've said. You've helped alot!
Welcome
Hey Neverland! Silver here!
You're characters are well discrbed and have a genuine feel to them. Overall I thought it was great. Happy writing!
I really enjoyed this! It's different to what I've read before. Falling stars is a verey interesting idea and I oove the way you discribed them changing form. Like your other story I think that this one has a oot of potential for you to follow through with it. I really hope you do
Silverlock
Hey Silver!!
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Really I'am. Yeah I used it for my english assignment, though I changed it a bit. God I hope I get a good mark!!
Though really thank you for everything you've said.
xx
~Neverland.
Hey Silver!!
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Really I'am. Yeah I used it for my english assignment, though I changed it a bit. God I hope I get a good mark!!
Though really thank you for everything you've said.
xx
~Neverland.
"human teenage girl" this sounds slightly awkward.
"I was looking up at my home, the sky." This was my first indication that I suspected her to be a star. I really like this phrase and with all the information you've already given, it was led up to perfectly. All of the details about her falling and transformation were intriguing, they kept me interested. Then you don't come right out and say she was a star, you only hint at it, this made me want to read more to see if my prediction was correct.
Very well done. You did a good job of demonstrating how important it is to always have unanswered questions.
I like this description and same with the description of the other sister. They really brings the characters to life. "Jesette had straight jet black hair that reached to the small of her back. My eyes looked into hers and at first glance I thought they were a golden brown colour, but then I noticed that I was wrong. Her eyes were burning suns."
Have you seem the movie Stardust? If you haven't, I strongly recommend that you do! It's also about a star, but it also has witches, flying pirates, and princes fighting for the throne. Your story kind of reminded me of it.
So you've just explained a bit about the setting and how it's beautiful and green. This sounds to me like a good opportunity to provide a lot of detail. Show your reader how new and exciting earth is. Although I don't think it's entirely necessary that the girl should be 'spinning', it seems like a terribly childish and giddy thing to do, kind of like the girl from Tangled....and I don't see your character in this same light...she seems too mature to act that way.
"find a ‘job’ somewhere in the city." Okay, let me get this straight. Three supernatural beings come to earth for the first time and the first thing they want to do is get a job? Either you need to explain or change this...
I don't think your ending was the greatest, but I feel like this story had a really great start! You've got lots of potential to be a good writer. I've enjoyed reading your stories, but so far, this one is my favorite. I look forward to reading more of your works and I wish you the best!
Thank you again. Well god I hope this one was written better this is my english assignment!! But I did change it actually up until the moment she described everything around her.
Yes I have seen that movie. I'm watching it again on the weekend.
Anyway I have to go.
But really thank you.
xx
~Neverland.
Haha, don't worry about it!