Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
When it gets dark, that’s when humans become the hunters and the hunted. Fate chooses which one each human is. Once marked, there are regrets, but we can’t change what lust desires. It wouldn’t be how the animal kingdom works, would it?
My blood-red lipstick completes my black evening look, and I can assure you all that it doesn’t come off until I want it to come off. It makes a contrast with my skin-tight dress and six-inch pumps, but that is how I wear my work look. I can’t lure a fish if I don’t have the bait on the hook.
“Your ride has arrived, Miss Redding,” my head servant calls from outside my bedroom.
“Excellent,” I reply.
He is five minutes late but no matter. As long as I get to my destination, I shall be satisfied. Even if he were to arrive on time, I still take mine to get in the car. If he were a good man, he waits. By the time I come outside, the car, hidden in the darkness, is sitting in front of the porch steps. Slowly swinging the right, front side door open, my bare legs enter the vehicle first. Then, I let the upper part of my body rest upright.
The door clicks, and my date of the night speaks. “There was a crash on the road. Sorry I’m late.”
“Never mind it,” I say. “The night is still young.” Not a single speck of emotion reflects anywhere on my body. It’s the secret of survival in a very nasty world. One sign of happiness, disappointment, frustration, or sadness will drive anyone away. You need your fix. You need it.
*****
One Mississippi, the moment we enter the club, the music breaks the sound barrier. Two Mississippi, my date goes to the bar and orders drinks. Three Mississippi, the drinks are on the counter. Four Mississippi, we hold cheers to the living when I privately hold cheers to the dead.
I always stay careful with my alcohol. How do you focus with poison taking control of your actions? You cannot. I only have one drink for show, and I sip in miniscule intervals. My date keeps ordering for himself, and I stay silent until he asks for a fifth glass. Know your limits. It’s the secret of survival in a very nasty world. You must be awake to notice everything. You don’t want to be eaten alive at night.
******
I always keep my hotel doors locked shut whether I’m asleep or not. It keeps the bothersome disturbances outdoors, and I loathe being interrupted when I’m doing business. Bad things happen when someone interrupts me.
“Champagne, my dear?” my date offers.
“I cannot,” I decline.
“Your loss.” He returns the bottle to the table next to the TV. “What would your friends say about your weak drinking habits?”
“Depends. What friends?”
“You have none?”
“I find friends to be useless. We are in a world where everyone cares for themselves.”
He scoffs. “Now, you don’t believe that.”
I nod once, massaging my right leg. “I do.”
“Who do you tell your secrets to?” My date loosens his tie and tosses it onto the bed. It still falls off to the side. “How do you get out and meet people like me?”
“I do the dirty work myself. I thought women were more independent nowadays.”
“Yes, but what happens if you get into trouble, missy?”
“What are you implying, sir? Are you going to cause me harm tonight? Is that what you mean?”
“Now, why would I harm a beautiful, independent woman such as yourself?”
“Then, why ask? Everyone has their own agenda.” I stood up from the bed, fixing the bottom of my dress. “There’s a strange secret to survival.” My hand reaches over the light switch. “First, you see them. Now, you don’t.” The lights go out quickly. “First, you hear them.” In a whisper, I complete the statement with, “Now, you can’t.” As I climb back onto the bed, where he is sitting now. “First, you feel me. Then, you don’t.” With one quick thrust from the thigh, my hidden needle goes into his side. The heartbeats are replaced with his heavy gasping breaking the sound barrier. Before his wide eyes close, the last words he hears from anyone are, “It’s a secret survival in a very nasty world.” Once the deed has been done, I head for the window. I told you whether I’m asleep or not, the door stays locked shut.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello there, ccwriting.
Interesting story you have here, I must say. It's interesting how the beginning has a really sort of animalistic/wild feeling towards it like every man for himself. However, it doesn't really line up with everything else. This is talking about a date with this woman (who I assume is some kind of serial killer) and her victim, but before it talks about the animal kingdom and surviving at night. It does go hand in hand with what Authorian said about it bordering 'purple prose' and being too much, thus detracting from the story itself.
However, you have really really nice development of this narrator and how she is always thinking about surviving and taking her next victim. In this really short span you've taken this character and really run with her, showing us everything we need to know to understand why she does what she does, which is really nice.
One tiny thing that I noticed was towards the end there was a point mentioning the man's "heavy gasping breaking the sound barrier." and another one before with when they walked into the club. It seems like an over exaggeration, because if it were that loud, they'd all be dead, quite literally. The first one I mentioned specifically, because gasping can't be that loud. I recommend a different word choice there.
Another thing that I'm not really sure about is the ending paragraph. Swapping between the dialogue and actions really break up the flow of the paragraph and makes it really unnecessarily choppy. I can understand you wanting a pause between each phrase, but at one point it becomes a little too much break and then it doesn't connect together in the reader's head.
The conversation towards the end was very nicely done, perfectly showing not only the narrator's character, but also the man's own personality. And there even seems to be some foreshadowing in there, when the MC talks about him hurting her. Very nicely done!
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hello, rainbow! Happy Review Day. What better way to celebrate it but... well, giving and receiving reviews? Let's get down to it.
I love the characterization done on the protagonist. I was really able to get into her head and with it, I was able to see a glimpse of the twist you added in the end. Aside from that, your grammar is great, so good job. Even with this though, there's still some spots you can improve on. I'll talk about them below.
First up, I noticed that this reminds me of an issue I've been corrected previously on. That would be on the topic of talking heads. I suggest that you take a look at that link, because during the conversation between the date and the protagonist, though I knew who was speaking, I feel like you could enhance the scene by showing us more of what's happening as they talk.
Next, I like how you add descriptions to the piece, but I don't think you need to be very specific. This is the part I'm talking about:
The way this piece of information was given isn't that necessary for me. I would think you could have merely said "passenger's seat" or so, but this is more of a personal opinion than anything else.
I believe those are all for my general criticism. Let's get to the nit-picky parts now.
I don't really understand the sentence because of the word that is highlighted. I believe you actually meant to use "time" rather than "mine".
Just a minor thing I spotted. That period should be a comma since the character still had something to say.
Well, that's about it, I believe. Overall, this is an interesting piece, however, here are some parts you could polish. Once you do polish them though, I have no doubt that this will shine even better than how it is right now. Good luck and keep writing! I hope this helped.
This feels very powerful, and you can feel the deadly aura from the narrator. I must admit, I feel intimidated by this character. Although, I must say, the entire story felt a little 'purple prose' ish. I understand it at some points, but you seem to lay it on thick. In case your unaware, purple prose is being overly dramatic, symbolic, or lengthy in you details and narration. Example 'The silver bells let out cries of morning grace as the golden suns first rays split over the hills to the west' As a pose to 'Bells rang through the morning air as the sun rose' or even 'the sun rose to the tolling of bells.' You have to watch how much you throw in, especially in short stories. 'A short story is a kiss in the dark from a stranger' Keep it simple, keep it powerful. Overall, as a writer, it felt a little extravagant. As a reader, I enjoyed it overall. But you must avoid overdressing. I once heard that purple prose is to draw attention to the writer, it's almost like bragging, and you're walking the line.
Not to be rude, and not to say this isn't wonderfully done, just try to tone down the drama in future.
On that note, this is very much personal opinion, on a whole I think this is fine how it is, but I know personally how hard it is to avoid purple prose.
Finally, I loved the plot twist at the end. The narrator seems strong and powerful, and it isn't entirely unexpected, but it leaves the reader wanting more and curious as to the narrators objectives. I love the way you paint the scene with scarce words and choppy narration. It's very refreshing.
Keep writing!!
~Authorian