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Spooky Romance - 2

by Eros

Chapter-2: The Queer Boy

After I returned from my college, I would help my mom in the arrangement of all the furniture, that lay scattered all over the house. We started with the drawing room. It had a railing window in front, which showed us the view of the gate of our house and the garden with beautiful blossom trees. We arranged the sofas and the LCD TV was set too. The next day the connection was set up and my little bro...yes he was still little for me, Shalin had not a minute's relaxation time. He would just stay stuck in the sofa with his brown eyes staring widely at the moving pictures in the TV

My old memoids got fresh when I glided a damp cloth over the glass of the frame---the frame of my late grandpa's photograph. 

Shalin and I would never let our grandpa sit ideal. We would enjoy playing the video games in summers when he would visit our house. He would tell us his brave deeds of how he once caught hold of a thief who entered in his house, and how he had once killed a porpoise, and the time when he was a child, and the time when he was a teen, and the time when he was married to my grandma, and the time when our dad and two uncles, and their two sisters were kids.

It was hardly a month after our college had started. I made many female friends, but I was too shy to talk with the boys.  We would wander around the college lobby in groups, like a swarm of butterflies. All of my friends were good looking and with nice hearts. We all had trust on each other, but they would all come especially to me when they felt an urgent need to speak up openly.

Aisha was a girl who would tell me about her love. I wondered if anything such as love existed in real world. I did read books where a prince falls in love with some beautiful princess...but I believed it was just fantasy.

Leony was very brave, but often had quarrels with her mom. I would try to make her believe that her mother loved her very much.

Albacore was quite too sensitive like me, and we both would cry together over some emotional matters she shared with me. 

It was only me who did not share anything about my feelings with them, perhaps I didn't have anything to tell except for one thing which seemed queer about a boy in the college...

From about a day or two, I had been observing that boy with a peculiar habbit of gazing sometimes at my toes and sometimes at my hands. I asked Leony what his name was.

"Airam...why? Tell me, is he troubling you?", Leony folded the sleeves of her top as she asked me the question.

"Ah, no-no! I asked you just like that... Airal, isn't it?"

"AiraM", she stressed on M.

Oh!! It is my name written from left to right! This is really strange!...I thought.

It became a daily routine of him now, to follow us like a detective. When my eyes caught  him following us, he would turn his head towards the notice board or if nothing was around to look at except the the vehicles in the parking lot, he would touch the screen of his mobile, pretending to be busy.

He was no taller than me, no fairer than me and his hair were golden too! His looks made me think that he was my mirror image just except our gender and eyes--- his were brown like my brother's and father's, and mine were green resembling my mother's. This again was very weird. How could a boy resemble me so much? Even Shalin doesn't look so much like me!

Another month passed, and my friends including me became serious about studies. We would spend our time in the college library discussing about assignments and doubts. Airam followed us there too. 

"Guys don't you think, Ariam is following us too much these days?", spoke Albacore.

"Its a mere coincidence, I suppose. We should better concentrate on our studies", I tried to make their minds wander off from Ariam, because I knew Leony would speak about the matter to him and I wanted to investigate it myself, for it was clear it revolved around me.

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Sun Nov 27, 2016 5:38 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review!

The first half of the chapter is mostly the main character rambling on with an excuse to because they're doing something, but it's still info-dumping stuff onto the reader. I suggest spreading this kind of thing out and instead of telling all of it, show some of it through scenes. Don't give everything right away to the readers, if they get something, then they'll get something, if they don't, they don't. Put trust in the readers that they'll be able to pick up on things, and they will better in scenes than they will with the main character rambling on about their life.

There isn't really a lot to comment on it. It didn't particularly interest me for a second chapter and it does a poor job of moving the plot along. It's filler that doesn't really need to be there. We see the transition go from passive to active voice when the scenes actually start in this chapter. Here I wasn't too interested either, but that may just be me.

It introduces a new character at least, but the feeling of this story is still very generic in that it's a I'm-walking-through-my-first-day-of-college-in-a-movie tone which isn't particularly positive. The reader doesn't really have a reason to care for the story and it could just be a slow start but if you want to keep the readers interested, you have to make interesting characters and dialogue. Give us a reason to care about these characters.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

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5 Reviews

Points: 203
Reviews: 5

Sun Nov 13, 2016 3:00 pm
felidae wrote a review...

Hey :) felidae here to review.

This is only my second review on YWS, so please bear with me and don't be afraid to say if I do anything wrong :)

Ahead with the review! I'd be careful how you use the word 'Queer' in your title. It's a derogatory word/slur toward the LGBT+ community, and I know a lot of people who'd get a little iffy about its use here. It just sends out the wrong message, y'know, when you see it on a title like that? It would be worth getting other opinions on this, though, because it could just be me being sensitive xD.

The pacing strikes me as a little quick - 'another month passed'. I don't know - perhaps add more detail into how that month passed, or little incidents or one-clause anecdotes to make it less obvious and smoother?

What I really liked was how you made Ariam slightly creepy and off-putting. I can imagine how disconcerting it must be to have someone who looks weirdly at your toes and hands following you and your friendship group around.

Well, that's it :) I really enjoyed reading this, and I'd like to read more!


Eros says...

Oh, thank you for your review, dear felidae!! I am glad you likeed it. I will be editing the piece soon and try to put in things bit slowly

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain