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Spooky Romance - 1

by Eros


Chapter 1: Our New Villa

"Maria, have you finished packing your books or are they still overflowing from the cupboard? And I already told you to sell away the books you have finished reading to  the Public Library...", my mother called out from the living room, where she was busy with packing the base studded with pebbles.

" Y--y-yes, mom!", I replied as I reached for the bluish black coloured book, titled in red font, "Murder On The Orient Express", by Agatha Christie. Ah! It was such a difficult job!

Everyone including my little brother was busy in packing things. I peeped through  the door to see what Shalin, my bro was doing. I could not help smiling as I saw him putting his toy Mercedes into the carton box.

Finally the packing of the goods was over and a big tempo stopped in front of the gate.

All of us were excited to go in the new villa, bought by our father. It was a really beautiful Villa with a big garden. The grass was covered with the tender dews, and the blossom trees were too young.

We stepped in. We were so tired that we directly got to sleep... me and my mom on the foamy upper part which we lay on the bed. The bed wasn't re-mentled. Shalin was on the smaller sofa, and dad was on the longer sofa. We loved our new villa.

Days passed by and everything was going smooth. Soon I completed my high school, and took admission in a Medical College for first year. My brother was no longer so little. He had entered in the high school now. 

I entered in the "youth" stage of my life, unaware of my beauty...my friends tried to bring home to me, the point of how beautiful I was. But I never cared much about it. I loved to dwell in the world of my dreams...music and art were my favourites and being a worshipper of literature, books fascinated me. 

I never spent time in styling my long hair...it always looked like a golden plated snake rolling along my back and down my waist and a little below the hips. I am not boasting about my looks...but it was a matter-of-fact, and perhaps my fair colour was just because of my grandma's genes. As for my figure, I didn't like to eat much so I was thin.


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Sun Nov 06, 2016 9:33 pm
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erilea wrote a review...



Hey, Eros! It's Artemis. We've met before. :D I take no offense if you don't remember me.

With this piece, you did a pretty good job. There are some grammatical and content nitpicks I have, so get ready. XD In your first paragraph, you put a comma directly after Maria's mom's statement and it's not necessary.

Now, in the next paragraph, Maria answers with a bit of a stutter. Is there any reason she's doing that? If there's a reason, please make it clear. And again with the comma after the dialogue.

You put "villa" with a lowercase in the third paragraph, but then in the next sentence it's capitalized. I don't think that's intentional, so please fix it. I would also like more description of the villa--you told me about the grass and the trees, but you say it's beautiful and leave us hanging with little details. Give us some! :)

The next few sentences are mostly telling you bluntly what's happening: "We stepped in. We were so tired that we directly got to sleep. The bed wasn't re-mentled (did you mean mantled?). We loved our new villa." Instead of saying that they were tired, say that they kept yawning and they collapsed on the mattress. (What exactly is the foamy upper part that Maria is sleeping on, anyway?) You get the point. That examples was pretty bad, but show, not tell.

I'm not sure the descriptions of her looks are completely necessary. I mean, you can mention stuff about her hair and beauty, but don't spend lots of time on it. When I got to the end, I was expecting a nice finish, but you kind of leave us with "so I was thin." Why did you pull us through the looks of Maria when there's nothing tying into it here? Yes, she was thin, but I need something better as an ending.

I tell lots of people that their ideas are good (because they really are!) and I'm going to say the same to you. I'm pretty interested. There wasn't much action in this first chapter, but I'm trusting it to pick up soon. Keep writing, Eros!

XOX,
Artemis28




Eros says...


Oh, my friend! How could I forget you?! I never forget my YWS friends...for they are so awesome! Thank you so much for the review! I will definitely edit the chapter... Thank you so very much again!



erilea says...


You're welcome!



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Sat Nov 05, 2016 5:54 pm
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Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, Eros!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^

"Maria, have you finished packing your books or are they still overflowing from the cupboard? And I already told you to sell away the books you have finished reading to the Public Library...", my mother called out from the living room, where she was busy with packing the base studded with pebbles.


I'd place a comma after "or" in the first sentence. If not, place a question mark before "or" and then capitalize it to make two sentences. In the second sentence, "sell away" would be better off as just "sell". I also suggest taking out the ellipse after "Public Library", because it isn't really necessary.

Everyone including my little brother was busy in packing things. I peeped through the door to see what Shalin, my bro was doing. I could not help smiling as I saw him putting his toy Mercedes into the carton box.


In the first sentence, there should be a comma after "Everyone", and another comma after "brother". This being because we don't /have/ to know that everyone included the little brother, and it's additional information. I'd change the word "bro" to "brother" to be more formal.

Finally the packing of the goods was over and a big tempo stopped in front of the gate.

Comma after "Finally" and another comma after the word "over".

We stepped in. We were so tired that we directly got to sleep... me and my mom on the foamy upper part which we lay on the bed. The bed wasn't re-mentled. Shalin was on the smaller sofa, and dad was on the longer sofa. We loved our new villa.


"Directly got to sleep" would make more sense as "directly went to sleep".

Days passed by and everything was going smooth. Soon I completed my high school, and took admission in a Medical College for first year. My brother was no longer so little. He had entered in the high school now.


Instead of "my high school", I'd change it to just "high school". As for the word "entered", it would make more sense if it was instead the word "enrolled".

I entered in the "youth" stage of my life, unaware of my beauty...my friends tried to bring home to me, the point of how beautiful I was. But I never cared much about it. I loved to dwell in the world of my dreams...music and art were my favourites and being a worshipper of literature, books fascinated me.


I still feel as if though the ellipses aren't very necessary. It says on my screen that "favourites" should be "favorites", but I think both might work. "Worshipper" should be "Worshiper". Add commas after conjunctions such as "and".

[quote]I never spent time in styling my long hair...it always looked like a golden plated snake rolling along my back and down my waist and a little below the hips. I am not boasting about my looks...but it was a matter-of-fact, and perhaps my fair colour was just because of my grandma's genes. As for my figure, I didn't like to eat much so I was thin.[quote]

The ellipses again, aren't so much necessary. Ending off a chapter with a character description isn't such a strong way to end, and is somewhat random.

As for the villa, I agree that perhaps you could give the reader more in-depth, and descriptive details about it. We still don't know very much about the characters or the protagonist, because the focus seems to be more on the villa. Personally, this doesn't really catch my attention and isn't too interesting. The story is so far somewhat bland, and the reader could still know more about the setting, the time, the character's personalities, the conflict, etc. However, I guess you can't expect so much to be revealed in a first chaptrer, so I hope to see more of this in the future!

That's all I have to say about this chapter. I hope my review helped you out, and keep on writing! ^-^




Eros says...


Oh, I actually couldn't get idea about length because, I typed the whole thing on mobile...
Thank you so much for the review! Yea, I will definitely edit the mistakes



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Sat Nov 05, 2016 4:37 pm
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writerkitty wrote a review...



Hello there Eros! Writerkitty's here with a review for you.

Hmm, interesting first chapter. I must admit that this chapter is pretty short, but it did make a good opening to the story. :)

I like always have this keen interest to know the characters well, I think you did a good deal with that here. We, the readers got the chance to know a bit about the main character (mostly her appearance), some facts about her family and about their new Villa.

The flow of the story is pretty good and I like your dialogue too. But I do think that you could've used more 'descriptions'

By that, I don't mean that you could've made this chapter seriously long with lengthy descriptions about everything, what I mean is, you could use more descriptions to help the reader to get a better idea about the surrounding, other characters appearance, etc.


For instance,
[qoute]All of us were excited to go in the new villa, bought by our father. It was a really beautiful Villa with a big garden. The grass was covered with the tender dews, and the blossom trees were too young.[/quote]


When I started to read this paragraph, I got super excited to know more about this Villa. You did mention that it has a large garden with grass covered in tender dew and all, but I just feel like you could add a bit more detail here. As the reader, I did expect more.

You could explain how large the villa was, was it old? Rather than saying that it's 'beautiful' you can show us that it's beautiful by adding a few descriptions. ^^
It's always a good idea to show and not tell. This rule isn't applicable all the time, but I think it's best to agree with it in instances like this.

Also, you did say that the blossom trees were too young. I think you could use some other word instead of too young
I mean, you were emphasizing that the surrounding of the villa is beautiful and eye-catching. But when you use the word 'too young' here, it kinda goes as a negative point...I'm being super nitpicky here...so feel free to ignore this point if you wish. :)

You could use something like, 'blossom trees were young and fresh' or 'the young blossom trees looked lively and fresh.
This is just a suggestion.

Onto the next point,

All of us were excited to go in the new villa, bought by our father


Rather than using ' were excited to go in the new villa' you could use something more suiting like, 'to move into' or 'to go into'
Again, this is just a suggestion.

^_^ Well, that's all the main problems I found in this chapter. I like how described how beautiful Maria was in the latter part of the chapter.

I thought to show out a few more minor nitpicks before ending this review,

Soon I completed my high school, and took admission in a Medical College for first year.


The comma isn't necessary here. And add 'the' before 'first year'


Finally the packing of the goods was over and a big tempo stopped in front of the gate.


Place a comma after 'finally'

Okay, that's about it for now. ^^ I enjoyed reading this chapter and I really can't wait to read more.
Keep writing,
writerkitty. :D




Eros says...


Hello, my friend! Thank you so much for the review! I will surely edit this soon and will add more description in the succeeding chapters... Glad you liked it.



writerkitty says...


You're very welcome! ^-^
Please let me know when you post the next chapter.



Eros says...


Yes, sure




I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
— TheBlueCat